Post by Paul Montuori on Nov 18, 2020 20:55:50 GMT -5
TALKING STICK RESORT ARENA, PHOENIX, ARIZONA – DUSK
A large crowd has gathered outside the arena in quite a tiffy. On the marquee reads “OPW Monday Night Showcase” followed by “CANCELED” in big flashing letters. The crowd bitches amongst themselves, demanding answers. Someone from the crowd turns to the street and points.
FAN #1
Wait.. That’s Paul Montuori on an alpaca..
A nervous energy fills the crowd, not knowing whether to boo or cheer at the ridiculous sight. Paul rides up as the man approaches
PAUL MONTUORI
Paul looks up at the marquee for the first time, seeing the show has been cancelled.
FAN #3
I literally just asked you the same thing..
FAN #4
OMG, it looks like Vincent Black just quit.. And Xavier Wolf.
FAN #5
Now Vhodka Marie..
PAUL MONTUORI
Paul pulls out his phone and scrolls through it for a few moments.
FAN #2
Llama..
PAUL MONTUORI
Paul hops off the llama and looks at Fan #2.
Paul pushes Fan #2 up onto the llama and turns to the crowd.
Paul drops to his knees and reaches up to the heavens.
The crowd stops recording Paul with their phones and begin to scroll through, talking excitedly amongst themselves. Paul pulls out his phone and scrolls through. Seeing the news is true, he sheepishly stands up.
Paul pushes Fan #2 off the llama and hops on.
Crowd turns to see the marquee has been changed to “POSTPONED.”
Paul kicks the sides of the llama as the llama lurches forward down the sidewalk.
A large crowd has gathered outside the arena in quite a tiffy. On the marquee reads “OPW Monday Night Showcase” followed by “CANCELED” in big flashing letters. The crowd bitches amongst themselves, demanding answers. Someone from the crowd turns to the street and points.
FAN #1
Is that an alpaca?
Is that an alpaca?
Everyone slowly starts to turn to see Paul Montuori, riding down the street on a llama.
FAN #1
Wait.. That’s Paul Montuori on an alpaca..
A nervous energy fills the crowd, not knowing whether to boo or cheer at the ridiculous sight. Paul rides up as the man approaches
FAN #1
Hey Paul, what’s up with the alpaca?
PAUL MONTUORI
Alpaca? How dare you good sir, this is a llama.
FAN #1
What’s the difference?
Alpaca? How dare you good sir, this is a llama.
FAN #1
What’s the difference?
PAUL MONTUORI
What’s the difference? What’s the difference?! What’s the difference between Pepsi and Coke? What’s the different between Vinnie Black and Xavier Wolf? There are many significant differences. For one, alpacas are smaller, weighing between 121 to 143 pounds while llamas are bigger, weighing around 250 pounds. Alpacas also have small faces with short ears while llamas have more-elongated faces with banana-sized ears. Alpacas also have shaggier hair that’s used for fleece production while llamas have nappier hair like Blair Buchanan.. No wait, she quit. Ophelia Pain.. No, she quit too.. I guess nappier hair like Apathy.
FAN #1
You sure know a lot about alpacas and llamas.
PAUL MONTUORI
I saw a meme once.
FAN #1
OK, so what gives with the llama?
PAUL MONTUORI
It is a gift, for a special lady in my life. BLAH BLAH A lady that continues to light my fire. Try to set the night on.. Fiiiiiire..
You sure know a lot about alpacas and llamas.
PAUL MONTUORI
I saw a meme once.
FAN #1
OK, so what gives with the llama?
PAUL MONTUORI
It is a gift, for a special lady in my life. BLAH BLAH A lady that continues to light my fire. Try to set the night on.. Fiiiiiire..
FAN #2
That’s not right. Vhodka likes alpacas, not llamas?
PAUL MONTUORI
That’s not right. Vhodka likes alpacas, not llamas?
PAUL MONTUORI
Blasphemy? Are you sure? Am I sure? Hmm.. What’s the difference?
FAN #1
You just lectured me on the difference.
PAUL MONTUORI
Me? Impossible. What the fuck do I know about llamas and alpacas? I never got Highlights magazine when I was a kid. I only gotta look at them when I was at the doctor’s office or at the dentist. And most of the time the hidden objects puzzle would already be done. Fucking dicks..
FAN #1
You just lectured me on the difference.
PAUL MONTUORI
Me? Impossible. What the fuck do I know about llamas and alpacas? I never got Highlights magazine when I was a kid. I only gotta look at them when I was at the doctor’s office or at the dentist. And most of the time the hidden objects puzzle would already be done. Fucking dicks..
FAN #3
Why’s the show cancelled?
PAUL MONTUORI
Cancelled?
Paul looks up at the marquee for the first time, seeing the show has been cancelled.
PAUL MONTUORI
What the bloody hell.. Why’s the show cancelled?
FAN #3
I literally just asked you the same thing..
FAN #4
OMG, it looks like Vincent Black just quit.. And Xavier Wolf.
FAN #5
Now Vhodka Marie..
PAUL MONTUORI
Who dares utter my future baby momma’s name? You better be damn sure..
Paul pulls out his phone and scrolls through it for a few moments.
PAUL MONTUORI
Say it ain’t so.. Please say it ain’t so.. Without Vhodka Marie, how will my life go on? How will I ever carry on? What reason would I have to rise with the sun every morning? How will I be able to ever lace up my boots again? What reason would I have to ever wrestle again? Besides the money. And the fact that I get to legally fuck people up. And some of the perks are nice. And the rats. But the rats don’t compare to Vhodka, no sir-e Bob. Nobody compares to Vhodka. With her being gone.. What the fuck do I need this alpaca for?
FAN #2
Llama..
PAUL MONTUORI
Tomato, potato..
Paul hops off the llama and looks at Fan #2.
PAUL MONTUORI
May this llama bring you blessings. Now hop on.
May this llama bring you blessings. Now hop on.
Paul pushes Fan #2 up onto the llama and turns to the crowd.
PAUL MONTUORI
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Today witness the day the world forever changed. Today I attempt to venture out into the world without Vhodka Marie, the love of my life. My life has become a bleak existence with the news that she has left OPW. I will never see her again, my heart, forever broken.
FAN #3
Why don’t you follow her to wherever she goes?
PAUL MONTUORI
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Today witness the day the world forever changed. Today I attempt to venture out into the world without Vhodka Marie, the love of my life. My life has become a bleak existence with the news that she has left OPW. I will never see her again, my heart, forever broken.
FAN #3
Why don’t you follow her to wherever she goes?
PAUL MONTUORI
Dear boy, I’m far too old to start over. And as such, I must say goodbye to an amazing woman who has left a lasting impression on me. How I will muster up the strength to go on, I do not know. All that I know is as the world turns, so must Paul Montuori. Love is out there, somewhere, getting railed from behind. Whether or not I will be lucky enough to find as much love as I have with Vhodka Marie, only time will tell..
Paul drops to his knees and reaches up to the heavens.
PAUL MONTUORI
(screaming)
Vhodka Marie! I will always love you! Never forget me!
FAN #4
Hey, Vincent Black, Xavier Wolf and Vhodka Marie all came back.
FAN #4
Hey, Vincent Black, Xavier Wolf and Vhodka Marie all came back.
The crowd stops recording Paul with their phones and begin to scroll through, talking excitedly amongst themselves. Paul pulls out his phone and scrolls through. Seeing the news is true, he sheepishly stands up.
PAUL MONTUORI
(clearing his throat)
Well I’ll be damned. Forget everything you just heard and saw. That was a joke. I Punk’d you! Ha ha.. I don’t think any of you even know what that means. You look younger than Jesse Stylez’s Friday night. Especially now that Blair left him. She was hitting me up the other night, but you know. If it wasn’t for Vhodka.. Playa’s be playing, am I right?
FAN #2
Playa’s be playing? You were literally just crying over Vhodka Marie.
PAUL MONTUORI
FAN #2
Playa’s be playing? You were literally just crying over Vhodka Marie.
PAUL MONTUORI
Crying? Excusi moi? I don’t think so. Paul Montuori doesn’t cry over females. Females cry over me. Uh.. For some reason. Not sure why. But they do. Tears. Lots of tears. So fucking salty cause how much they cry over me.. Yeah that’s right.. Fuck you anyway, and gimme back my llama.
FAN #2
You gave it to me. Don’t be a Native American Giver.
PAUL MONTUORI
You gave it to me. Don’t be a Native American Giver.
PAUL MONTUORI
Hey fuck you and your political corrective.. Ness.
Paul pushes Fan #2 off the llama and hops on.
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh shit, show’s postponed now.
Crowd turns to see the marquee has been changed to “POSTPONED.”
PAUL MONTUORI
I don’t know what the fuck is going on. But they gotta get their shit together. Ol’ Paulie has some scores to settle. Remember how I’ve continued to repeat that? Sort’ve like a mantra. Who am I fooling? I’m enjoying the spotlight. All eyes on me. Settling the debts is just an added bonus.. But seriously, debts to settle.. Johnny Stylez needs to pull it together. Reach up and overcome the adversity. Reach up to the top of the mountain. Look towards Paul Montuori as your guiding light, blueprint on how to achieve greatness. And with three easy steps, you can achieve that greatness as I have. Step 1, be beautiful as fuck like me. Well damn, guess Stylez already failed Step 1. Ugly fuck. So I guess you can’t follow my plan. But you can at least look up to me.. Or some inspirational shit like that, you get the point. And the point is.. I don’t think I have one.. Oh right, figure out whatever you need to figure out. Or don’t..
VHODKA, I PROMISE I’M NOT TRYING TO SEX TRAFFIC YOU!
Or incel or whatever the fuck that is. Me and you baby ain't nothing but mammals.. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a woman to woo. Tally ho!
I don’t know what the fuck is going on. But they gotta get their shit together. Ol’ Paulie has some scores to settle. Remember how I’ve continued to repeat that? Sort’ve like a mantra. Who am I fooling? I’m enjoying the spotlight. All eyes on me. Settling the debts is just an added bonus.. But seriously, debts to settle.. Johnny Stylez needs to pull it together. Reach up and overcome the adversity. Reach up to the top of the mountain. Look towards Paul Montuori as your guiding light, blueprint on how to achieve greatness. And with three easy steps, you can achieve that greatness as I have. Step 1, be beautiful as fuck like me. Well damn, guess Stylez already failed Step 1. Ugly fuck. So I guess you can’t follow my plan. But you can at least look up to me.. Or some inspirational shit like that, you get the point. And the point is.. I don’t think I have one.. Oh right, figure out whatever you need to figure out. Or don’t..
VHODKA, I PROMISE I’M NOT TRYING TO SEX TRAFFIC YOU!
Or incel or whatever the fuck that is. Me and you baby ain't nothing but mammals.. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a woman to woo. Tally ho!
Paul kicks the sides of the llama as the llama lurches forward down the sidewalk.