Post by lajohnnystylez on Dec 19, 2020 1:43:21 GMT -5
EXT. THE POST OAK HOTEL, UPTOWN HOUSTON, TEXAS - DAYTIME
A van with a Lyft sticker in the windshield pulls up to the hotel. The driver gets and goes to the passenger side door as it opens. The driver reaches down and pulls out a ramp to the ground. From inside drives Paul Montuori down the ramp, sitting in a motorized wheelchair. He’s wearing a neckbrace with sunglasses on and an ice pack on the Monty Python. Draped over his shoulder is his half of the OPW Tag Team titles. He has a phone up to his ear.
PAUL MONTUORI
Lloyd’s of London... Yes, this is Paul Montuori. One of your greatest clients. I would like to submit a claim for my Monty Python... Monty... Python... My dick, are you fucking happy? Yeah, my penis... Well, I was attacked at a show. As you can see from your records, I’m a professional wrestler. I was attacked from behind by this woman I thought loved me. She fucking played me, that skank. After all this time, going back and forth with each other, she comes into the ri... Yes, it’s relevant to the story... I’m fucking busy too! You don’t think I got shit to do? I’m one half of the OPW Tag Team Champions, you don’t think I have a busy schedule?! ... No, it wasn’t severed... Fuck no it’s not disfigured, it looks as beautiful as the first day it was sucked… Waddya mean I have no right to file a claim? It’s fucking bruised. Bitches are gonna think I got the HIV… Ya know what, thanks for nothing!... Yeah, you have a great day too and Merry Christmas mam..
Lloyd’s of London... Yes, this is Paul Montuori. One of your greatest clients. I would like to submit a claim for my Monty Python... Monty... Python... My dick, are you fucking happy? Yeah, my penis... Well, I was attacked at a show. As you can see from your records, I’m a professional wrestler. I was attacked from behind by this woman I thought loved me. She fucking played me, that skank. After all this time, going back and forth with each other, she comes into the ri... Yes, it’s relevant to the story... I’m fucking busy too! You don’t think I got shit to do? I’m one half of the OPW Tag Team Champions, you don’t think I have a busy schedule?! ... No, it wasn’t severed... Fuck no it’s not disfigured, it looks as beautiful as the first day it was sucked… Waddya mean I have no right to file a claim? It’s fucking bruised. Bitches are gonna think I got the HIV… Ya know what, thanks for nothing!... Yeah, you have a great day too and Merry Christmas mam..
Paul hangs up the phone and puts it into his pocket. He looks over at the Lyft driver who looks at him impatiently.
PAUL MONTUORI
What do you want? .. Wait, don’t tell me you’re expecting a tip? I’m a fucking cripple! Here’s a tip, enjoy your fucking legs!
What do you want? .. Wait, don’t tell me you’re expecting a tip? I’m a fucking cripple! Here’s a tip, enjoy your fucking legs!
Paul does a 180 in the chair and drives inside.
INT. LOBBY OF THE POST OAK HOTEL - CONTINUOUS
Paul drives into the middle of the lobby, lowers his sunglasses and looks around in awe.
PAUL MONTUORI
Holy fuck.. How can they afford this place? I really need to renegotiate my contract. Everyone has fucking compounds in the middle of nowhere and driving Mouseratti’s. I gotta wait around for a fucking Lyft with a wheelchair ramp. Fucking rich assholes..
Holy fuck.. How can they afford this place? I really need to renegotiate my contract. Everyone has fucking compounds in the middle of nowhere and driving Mouseratti’s. I gotta wait around for a fucking Lyft with a wheelchair ramp. Fucking rich assholes..
Two tweens come up to him, excitedly.
TWEEN #1
Hey, are you Paul Montuori?
PAUL MONTUORI
That I am. If you want a picture, not today. I’m not exactly looking my best.
TWEEN #2
We don’t want your picture.
TWEEN #1
Why are you in a wheelchair?
TWEEN #2
(laughing)
Is it because you lost to a girl?
TWEEN #1
(laughing)
Hey, are you Paul Montuori?
PAUL MONTUORI
That I am. If you want a picture, not today. I’m not exactly looking my best.
TWEEN #2
We don’t want your picture.
TWEEN #1
Why are you in a wheelchair?
TWEEN #2
(laughing)
Is it because you lost to a girl?
TWEEN #1
(laughing)
Because Vhodka Marie hit you in the balls?!
PAUL MONTUORI
Alright, ya know what? Fuck you and your slutty mommas. I prolly fucked them and most likely yous two should be calling me Dad.
TWEEN #2
(laughing)
No way you banged my mom. You couldn’t even bang Apathy.
TWEEN #1
(laughing)
Or Vhodka Marie! You’re like 0-100 with the girls. You couldn’t even bang Elizabeth.
Alright, ya know what? Fuck you and your slutty mommas. I prolly fucked them and most likely yous two should be calling me Dad.
TWEEN #2
(laughing)
No way you banged my mom. You couldn’t even bang Apathy.
TWEEN #1
(laughing)
Or Vhodka Marie! You’re like 0-100 with the girls. You couldn’t even bang Elizabeth.
PAUL MONTUORI
The French whore?? Puh-lease..
TWEEN #2
(laughing)
Yeah, you couldn’t even bang Elizabeth. And she banged that guy in the middle of the swamp. What kind of loser are you?
TWEEN #1
The French whore?? Puh-lease..
TWEEN #2
(laughing)
Yeah, you couldn’t even bang Elizabeth. And she banged that guy in the middle of the swamp. What kind of loser are you?
TWEEN #1
A virgin that loses to girls!
The two tweens walk off laughing, as two women pass him, snickering to themselves.
PAUL MONTUORI
You two wish you could taste the Monty Python. Laughing at me, how dare you laugh at a cripple! I can get anyone woman that I want, even in this fucking chair! I’m a fucking eligible bachelor! I have an Oscar, a Golden Globe and I’ve won tons of AVN Awards. Women drool over me when they see me. No fucking kids and never had an STD. I’m as clean as a fucking whistle! I know most of yous couldn’t say that! You two hos couldn’t say that! Fucking bitches, fuck them. It’s not my fault I took a sabbatical and came back to everyone being wifed up. Did everyone draw straws out of a fucking hat?! Wait, I don’t think you draw straws out of a hat.. Well, that’s what happens when you’re in your.. Ya know what, it doesn’t even matter. Fuck you, fuck all of you!
HOTEL SECURITY
Excuse me, sir?
PAUL MONTUORI
What the fuck..
You two wish you could taste the Monty Python. Laughing at me, how dare you laugh at a cripple! I can get anyone woman that I want, even in this fucking chair! I’m a fucking eligible bachelor! I have an Oscar, a Golden Globe and I’ve won tons of AVN Awards. Women drool over me when they see me. No fucking kids and never had an STD. I’m as clean as a fucking whistle! I know most of yous couldn’t say that! You two hos couldn’t say that! Fucking bitches, fuck them. It’s not my fault I took a sabbatical and came back to everyone being wifed up. Did everyone draw straws out of a fucking hat?! Wait, I don’t think you draw straws out of a hat.. Well, that’s what happens when you’re in your.. Ya know what, it doesn’t even matter. Fuck you, fuck all of you!
HOTEL SECURITY
Excuse me, sir?
PAUL MONTUORI
What the fuck..
Paul turns to see two hotel security guards standing over him.
HOTEL SECURITY
Would you please keep your voice down? You’re causing a disturbance amongst our guests.
PAUL MONTUORI
Causing a scene? How? Because I’m in a fucking wheelchair?! How dare you insult my handicap?!
HOTEL SECURITY
No sir, that’s not what I meant at all..
PAUL MONTUORI
Good, now get the fuck outta my way before I roll your ass over.
Would you please keep your voice down? You’re causing a disturbance amongst our guests.
PAUL MONTUORI
Causing a scene? How? Because I’m in a fucking wheelchair?! How dare you insult my handicap?!
HOTEL SECURITY
No sir, that’s not what I meant at all..
PAUL MONTUORI
Good, now get the fuck outta my way before I roll your ass over.
The two men reluctantly step back as Paul rides forward towards the elevator. He reaches for the button, unable to press it from the angle he’s facing. He turns the chair, knocking over a planter as dirt spills on the floor. He backs up the chair, running over the plant as the elevator doors open. People step out, looking confused as Paul rolls right into the elevator. He reaches for the button, unable to press it. He backs up, banging against the walls of the elevator.
PAUL MONTUORI
What the fuck..
What the fuck..
Paul drives forward, hitting the wall of the elevator. He does about eight 3-point turns before he’s able to reach the buttons, pressing the button for the 37th floor.
PAUL MONTUORI
Fucking 37th floor. Who the fuck can afford this? I need their agent. Bitch Sarah Wolf wasn’t having the damn Monty Python Limited Edition underwear. Could’ve made a fortune.. At least I have stocking stuffers. They’re gonna have to stuff them just to make it fit tho..
Fucking 37th floor. Who the fuck can afford this? I need their agent. Bitch Sarah Wolf wasn’t having the damn Monty Python Limited Edition underwear. Could’ve made a fortune.. At least I have stocking stuffers. They’re gonna have to stuff them just to make it fit tho..
The elevator dings and the doors open. Paul drives right off the elevator. He drives down the hallway before stopping at a room door. He kicks the door a couple times. Then a couple more times for good measure. The door swings open as Miss Michelle stands in a robe.
MISS MICHELLE
Who the fuck.. Oh it’s you. What’s up with the wheelchair?
PAUL MONTUORI
What’s up with the wheelchair?? Did you not see what happened to me at Showcase? The unprovoked beating I took, from behind, when I wasn’t looking. A fucking kamakazi attack, an attack I..
MISS MICHELLE
Ok drama queen, sorry I asked. What do you want?
PAUL MONTUORI
Can Brandon come out and play?! Please, please please!
MISS MICHELLE
Ugh.. We’re sort’ve in the middle of something here..
Who the fuck.. Oh it’s you. What’s up with the wheelchair?
PAUL MONTUORI
What’s up with the wheelchair?? Did you not see what happened to me at Showcase? The unprovoked beating I took, from behind, when I wasn’t looking. A fucking kamakazi attack, an attack I..
MISS MICHELLE
Ok drama queen, sorry I asked. What do you want?
PAUL MONTUORI
Can Brandon come out and play?! Please, please please!
MISS MICHELLE
Ugh.. We’re sort’ve in the middle of something here..
PAUL MONTUORI
B! You in there?! Come on, let’s go!
B! You in there?! Come on, let’s go!
Brandon Moore appears out of nowhere, in the nude.
BRANDON MOORE
(laughing)
Oh my fuggin GODDD!
PAUL MONTUORI
Aww, what the fuck man. Put on some clothes..
BRANDON MOORE
Why in the fuck are you in that chair?
PAUL MONTUORI
For fuck’s sake, does anyone watch any of my matches?
BRANDON MOORE
Sorry, I was dealin with Tommy Kain's bitch ass.
(laughing)
Oh my fuggin GODDD!
PAUL MONTUORI
Aww, what the fuck man. Put on some clothes..
BRANDON MOORE
Why in the fuck are you in that chair?
PAUL MONTUORI
For fuck’s sake, does anyone watch any of my matches?
BRANDON MOORE
Sorry, I was dealin with Tommy Kain's bitch ass.
PAUL MONTUORI
You know what? Fuck this chair. And fuck this itchy ass neck brace!
You know what? Fuck this chair. And fuck this itchy ass neck brace!
Paul stands up and rips the neck brace off. He tries to kick over the wheelchair, which doesn’t budge. Michelle doesn’t bother to hide her amusement, laughing in his face.
PAUL MONTUORI
How fucking rude. No sympathy for my pain and anguish. For all that I’ve been through. All that I’ve endured. For the one who told me how much she loved me and cared about me to just hit the Monty Python the way she did. Completely turn her back on the relationship we’ve built. All the lov..
MISS MICHELLE
Give me a break. She’s been fucking Vincent Black for years. I doubt she even kno..
PAUL MONTUORI
B.. Please, control your woman. You see how fragile of a state I’m in. I came here for some support. Not to be dragged down further.
BRANDON MOORE
Give us a moment baby grrl.
How fucking rude. No sympathy for my pain and anguish. For all that I’ve been through. All that I’ve endured. For the one who told me how much she loved me and cared about me to just hit the Monty Python the way she did. Completely turn her back on the relationship we’ve built. All the lov..
MISS MICHELLE
Give me a break. She’s been fucking Vincent Black for years. I doubt she even kno..
PAUL MONTUORI
B.. Please, control your woman. You see how fragile of a state I’m in. I came here for some support. Not to be dragged down further.
BRANDON MOORE
Give us a moment baby grrl.
Michelle rolls her eyes and gives Paul an annoyed look before walking back into the room.
BRANDON MOORE
What up Monty?
PAUL MONTUORI
Nothing much, you know. Hanging out..
BRANDON MOORE
Yo ass didn't just come to hang out did you?
PAUL MONTUORI
Ahh nah, of course not. Put some fucking pants on and let’s go.
BRANDON MOORE
Bruh, she still riding my ass for last time. I gotta finish her.
What up Monty?
PAUL MONTUORI
Nothing much, you know. Hanging out..
BRANDON MOORE
Yo ass didn't just come to hang out did you?
PAUL MONTUORI
Ahh nah, of course not. Put some fucking pants on and let’s go.
BRANDON MOORE
Bruh, she still riding my ass for last time. I gotta finish her.
PAUL MONTUORI
Fuck that dood, I got something better.
Fuck that dood, I got something better.
Brandon looks behind his shoulder at Michelle who’s laying on the bed.
BRANDON MOORE
I doubt that brotha.
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh yeah?
I doubt that brotha.
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh yeah?
Paul leans in and whispers something in Brandon’s ear. His eyes widen.
BRANDON MOORE
Aw shit, why didn't you say so? Let me put some pants on.
PAUL MONTUORI
Please do.
Aw shit, why didn't you say so? Let me put some pants on.
PAUL MONTUORI
Please do.
Brandon turns back and runs into the room as Paul keeps the door open.
BRANDON MOORE
Baby I gotta go. Shit's gettin real.
MICHELLE
Are you fucking kidding me?
Baby I gotta go. Shit's gettin real.
MICHELLE
Are you fucking kidding me?
Michelle glares at Paul who smiles widely and waves at her.
EXT. STREET IN HOUSTON, TEXAS - DUSK
Paul and Brandon are walking down the street, Paul with a bookbag on.
PAUL MONTUORI
Listen, I got fucked over at Showcase. I would never, in a million fucking years, lose to someone like that skank. She needed the assistance of someone who I held so dear to my heart. Stabbed in the back, heart stomped on with stiletto heels. Like how Xavier Wolf likes it when that Viking chick stomps on his balls.. And if you’re coming over here to rub it in my face, don’t bother. I’m not in the mood. Fucking Bebe’s Kids think they can come over and clown me. The fuck I look like? Damon Riggs? That ho..
BRANDON MOORE
Cancer Boy? Man fuck Cancer Boy. He ain't shit but a bloody cunt sock.
PAUL MONTUORI
Riiight?? Did you watch his last joint before Showcase? Oh man, fucking Oscarworthy. Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. Fucking outstanding. If I had a heart, I would’ve shed a tear. But alas I’m a coldhearted fuck.. He went hard at Focus. At some of us in Focus. At most of the people in Focus. Joe, of course. He’s an asshole, sexist and a shit talker. Most people hate Joe, shit I hated Joe. But bloods thicker than malt liquor.. Went at the other half of Wrecked & Worthless, but that’s expected. You might be hated more than Joe. Where the fuck was I with Michelle being Dame’s long long brother? Holy fuck, I came up with them ages ago and I never knew that. Is everyone related somehow these days? If they’re not siblings they’re cousins or fucking or related by marriage. Wait, I’m a brother. Nevermind.. Yo, did you see Killa Cam came back? Holy fuck, who knew buddy was still alive. Still looking fresh as usual.. I had a point, who knows..
BRANDON MOORE
Your ass never has a point Monty. Come on now.
Listen, I got fucked over at Showcase. I would never, in a million fucking years, lose to someone like that skank. She needed the assistance of someone who I held so dear to my heart. Stabbed in the back, heart stomped on with stiletto heels. Like how Xavier Wolf likes it when that Viking chick stomps on his balls.. And if you’re coming over here to rub it in my face, don’t bother. I’m not in the mood. Fucking Bebe’s Kids think they can come over and clown me. The fuck I look like? Damon Riggs? That ho..
BRANDON MOORE
Cancer Boy? Man fuck Cancer Boy. He ain't shit but a bloody cunt sock.
PAUL MONTUORI
Riiight?? Did you watch his last joint before Showcase? Oh man, fucking Oscarworthy. Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. Fucking outstanding. If I had a heart, I would’ve shed a tear. But alas I’m a coldhearted fuck.. He went hard at Focus. At some of us in Focus. At most of the people in Focus. Joe, of course. He’s an asshole, sexist and a shit talker. Most people hate Joe, shit I hated Joe. But bloods thicker than malt liquor.. Went at the other half of Wrecked & Worthless, but that’s expected. You might be hated more than Joe. Where the fuck was I with Michelle being Dame’s long long brother? Holy fuck, I came up with them ages ago and I never knew that. Is everyone related somehow these days? If they’re not siblings they’re cousins or fucking or related by marriage. Wait, I’m a brother. Nevermind.. Yo, did you see Killa Cam came back? Holy fuck, who knew buddy was still alive. Still looking fresh as usual.. I had a point, who knows..
BRANDON MOORE
Your ass never has a point Monty. Come on now.
PAUL MONTUORI
I get there eventually.. What about Tommy Kain? Poor bastard has you at Drugs and Fucking and Rock and Roll. Got to put his title on the line. A title the world knows he’s going to lose. A title he knows he’s going to lose. But he’s still the little engine that could, Bad News Bears. The guy’s got spunk. The way he’s elevated that division. But good for him. He had his moment in the sun. His time to shine. The world got to laugh at his antics. With Jolly Ranchers and Zima’s. A Champion everyone could enjoy. Cause El Gran Luchador knows OPW needs some more nice guys. Damn company full of assholes, shocker.. “I’d drink a Zima with him” conversations among all of those losers, talkng about how cool Tommy Kain is. How funny he is. I bet he’s gonna win a OPW Award. Then again who else is gonna win Nicest Guy? Vin? X? Z? Riggs? Haaaaaa yeah right.. Unfortunately Tommy’s time as champion is slowly coming to an end. He’s got you at the PPV. Might as well start to take the name plaques off of the belt now. Hopefully he can keep them as a souvenir, a remembrance of when he was on top of the world.. At least he has one last match to keep shining in. One last match to go out on top as champion. One last victory before he has to give up that belt.. Siiiiike.. He’s got me this week. See what I did there? Built suspense and made it seem like Tommy Kain was going to win. Then BOOM! Crush his hopes and dreams.
BRANDON MOORE
Get em boy.
PAUL MONTUORI
The guy has a good schtick going there with GOAT and that little guy. I could see those as action figures. Jaxx GOAT and Pee Pee toys with smiling Tommy Kain. Not as cool as a Paul Montuori action figure would be tho. And it could double as a vibrator. How fucking amazing would that be? Paul Montuori could fuck bitches across the globe at the same time.. Tommy Kain can’t do that. No way. No matter how cool people think he is. Lucky for him, lucky for his fans that his title isn’t on the line. Higher ups knew not to risk that. Not to risk their big match at Fucking, Doing Drugs & Playing The Beatles. I don’t know what would be a bigger cash cow than Paul Montuori vs Brandon Moore, for that fuckcore title. The buyrates my dear Watson, through the roof. They’d be hanging from the rafters baby.. But alas, someone is looking out for him. Someone is making sure their ace in the hole makes it to the PPV still the champion. No matter, you’re going to put that beating on him. You’re going to take that title from him and bring it back to Wrecked & Worthless, back to Focus. I got my own title shot coming up. Imagine that, Dub Dub Dub Dub..
BRANDON MOORE
I get there eventually.. What about Tommy Kain? Poor bastard has you at Drugs and Fucking and Rock and Roll. Got to put his title on the line. A title the world knows he’s going to lose. A title he knows he’s going to lose. But he’s still the little engine that could, Bad News Bears. The guy’s got spunk. The way he’s elevated that division. But good for him. He had his moment in the sun. His time to shine. The world got to laugh at his antics. With Jolly Ranchers and Zima’s. A Champion everyone could enjoy. Cause El Gran Luchador knows OPW needs some more nice guys. Damn company full of assholes, shocker.. “I’d drink a Zima with him” conversations among all of those losers, talkng about how cool Tommy Kain is. How funny he is. I bet he’s gonna win a OPW Award. Then again who else is gonna win Nicest Guy? Vin? X? Z? Riggs? Haaaaaa yeah right.. Unfortunately Tommy’s time as champion is slowly coming to an end. He’s got you at the PPV. Might as well start to take the name plaques off of the belt now. Hopefully he can keep them as a souvenir, a remembrance of when he was on top of the world.. At least he has one last match to keep shining in. One last match to go out on top as champion. One last victory before he has to give up that belt.. Siiiiike.. He’s got me this week. See what I did there? Built suspense and made it seem like Tommy Kain was going to win. Then BOOM! Crush his hopes and dreams.
BRANDON MOORE
Get em boy.
PAUL MONTUORI
The guy has a good schtick going there with GOAT and that little guy. I could see those as action figures. Jaxx GOAT and Pee Pee toys with smiling Tommy Kain. Not as cool as a Paul Montuori action figure would be tho. And it could double as a vibrator. How fucking amazing would that be? Paul Montuori could fuck bitches across the globe at the same time.. Tommy Kain can’t do that. No way. No matter how cool people think he is. Lucky for him, lucky for his fans that his title isn’t on the line. Higher ups knew not to risk that. Not to risk their big match at Fucking, Doing Drugs & Playing The Beatles. I don’t know what would be a bigger cash cow than Paul Montuori vs Brandon Moore, for that fuckcore title. The buyrates my dear Watson, through the roof. They’d be hanging from the rafters baby.. But alas, someone is looking out for him. Someone is making sure their ace in the hole makes it to the PPV still the champion. No matter, you’re going to put that beating on him. You’re going to take that title from him and bring it back to Wrecked & Worthless, back to Focus. I got my own title shot coming up. Imagine that, Dub Dub Dub Dub..
BRANDON MOORE
I like the sound of Dub Dub Dub Dub..
PAUL MONTUORI
Poor Tommy Kain. Boy, that guy has terrible luck. Right before his big title defense against the other half of Wrecked & Worthless, he has to step in the ring with me? Gee golly, Tommy Kain should’ve ate his Lucky Charms. Maybe he should cut that goat’s foot off and make one of those lucky rabbit’s feet.. He has to know this is just a speed bump in his career. Two back to back loses, he’ll be able to shake it off. I sure as hell know there’s some people out there that think they beat me because I no-showed. Let them think what they want, if it makes them feel all cuddly inside, let that be P Monty’s present to them.. He’ll get through this.. Speaking of Tommy Kain, I’m getting parched..
PAUL MONTUORI
Poor Tommy Kain. Boy, that guy has terrible luck. Right before his big title defense against the other half of Wrecked & Worthless, he has to step in the ring with me? Gee golly, Tommy Kain should’ve ate his Lucky Charms. Maybe he should cut that goat’s foot off and make one of those lucky rabbit’s feet.. He has to know this is just a speed bump in his career. Two back to back loses, he’ll be able to shake it off. I sure as hell know there’s some people out there that think they beat me because I no-showed. Let them think what they want, if it makes them feel all cuddly inside, let that be P Monty’s present to them.. He’ll get through this.. Speaking of Tommy Kain, I’m getting parched..
They continue walking as Brandon hears the sound of a bottle opening. He looks over to see Paul taking a drink from a glass bottle.
BRANDON MOORE
What the fuck are you drinking?
PAUL MONTUORI
(sheepishly)
Uh.. This? It’s uh.. Zima..
BRANDON MOORE
Zima?!
PAUL MONTUORI
Yeah.. Uh.. It’s for preparation for the match. You know, get to know the guy first. I mean to get to know your opponent. Doing my research on the guy. Have to get into his mind and see how he operates. Plus, I’m thirsty. And this shit’s good. The Jolly Rancher really brings the citrus flavors together.. Oh look, there it is..
What the fuck are you drinking?
PAUL MONTUORI
(sheepishly)
Uh.. This? It’s uh.. Zima..
BRANDON MOORE
Zima?!
PAUL MONTUORI
Yeah.. Uh.. It’s for preparation for the match. You know, get to know the guy first. I mean to get to know your opponent. Doing my research on the guy. Have to get into his mind and see how he operates. Plus, I’m thirsty. And this shit’s good. The Jolly Rancher really brings the citrus flavors together.. Oh look, there it is..
They stop. Across the street, sitting in an empty lot, is Tommy Kain’s Winnebago. They both cross the street and walk towards it.
BRANDON MOORE
How do you know he ain't here?
PAUL MONTUORI
I have it on good authority that he’s in the midst of a mind-numbing Zima bender. We’ve got at least an hour.
How do you know he ain't here?
PAUL MONTUORI
I have it on good authority that he’s in the midst of a mind-numbing Zima bender. We’ve got at least an hour.
They reach the Winnebago and look around. Brandon goes to open the door.
PAUL MONTUORI
Wait.. That goat isn’t going to come easy.
Wait.. That goat isn’t going to come easy.
Paul takes off the bookbag and kneels down, unzipping it.
PAUL MONTUORI
I got an idea..
I got an idea..
INT. TOMMY KAIN’S WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
The winnebago is dark as the door opens. In steps Brandon, who holds the door open for a few seconds before closing it. He stumbles through, as the only light source is flickering in the back of the winnebago. “Run Runaway” by Slade blares.
BAAAAHHH!!
You like black and white
Run run away
You like black and white
Run run away
Moving to the back of the Winnebago, the source of the music grows louder, coming from the bathroom. Peeking through the door, GOAT is laying in the tub on his back, surrounded by bubbles. He taps one of his hooves on the tub, clinking to the sound of the song. Over his eyes are two cucumber slices, with a mountain of bubbles on his head.
See chameleon
BAH BAH BAHHHH!!
All things to everyone
Run run away
BAH BAH BAHHHH!!
All things to everyone
Run run away
Brandon slowly opens the door and steps out of the way. Paul, dressed in a goat costume with makeup on and a pink bow on his head, crawls into the bathroom on all fours. He lifts his two front paws and lays them on the side of the tub.
PAUL MONTUORI
(clearing his throat)
Bah.. Baahh.. BAhhhh.. BAAHHH!!!
(clearing his throat)
Bah.. Baahh.. BAhhhh.. BAAHHH!!!
GOAT jerks up, the cucumbers flying off his eyes. He sits up, staring at Paul. Reaching over with his front hoof, he turns off the music.
GOAT
Bah..
PAUL MONTUORI
Uh.. Bah..
GOAT
Bah bah baahhh..
Bah..
PAUL MONTUORI
Uh.. Bah..
GOAT
Bah bah baahhh..
GOAT winks at Paul, who blushes under the costume. GOAT leans forward in the tub, looking into Paul’s eyes provocatively. Paul starts to feel uneasy, like a piece of meat, uncomfortable as GOAT advances on him.
GOAT
Bah bah baaaaahhhh..
Bah bah baaaaahhhh..
GOAT reaches over with his two front hooves and pulls Paul’s face closer, then starts to lick Paul’s face seductively. After a few licks, Paul jumps up.
PAUL MONTUORI
Awww fuck this! I can’t do this B! The fucking goat has his red rocket out!
Awww fuck this! I can’t do this B! The fucking goat has his red rocket out!
GOAT is standing up on his hind legs, leaving nothing to the imagination, red rocket and all. Paul pulls the headpiece off as Brandon steps into the room with a canvas bag in hand.
GOAT
BAAHHH! BAAHHHH! BAHHHHH!!
BRANDON MOORE
(laughing)
I think you pissed him off. I think he was expecting at least a handjob. Want me to step out so you can finish him off?
PAUL MONTUORI
Fuck you and fuck you too GOAT.
BAAHHH! BAAHHHH! BAHHHHH!!
BRANDON MOORE
(laughing)
I think you pissed him off. I think he was expecting at least a handjob. Want me to step out so you can finish him off?
PAUL MONTUORI
Fuck you and fuck you too GOAT.
Paul leans in, giving GOAT the middle finger. GOAT jerks forward, headbutting Paul in the face as he tumbles back to the ground. Brandon continues laughing.
BRANDON MOORE
You got knocked the fuck out by a GOAT!
You got knocked the fuck out by a GOAT!
Brandon turns to GOAT, who headbutts him in the gut. Brandon staggers back against the door.
BRANDON MOORE
Oh you done fucked up now GOAT!
Oh you done fucked up now GOAT!
Brandon and GOAT square up. They exchange jabs to the face, with GOAT gaining the upperhoof. Brandon lurches forward and begins to wrestle GOAT inside the tub. Water splashing everywhere. Brandon grabs GOAT in a front headlock.
BRANDON MOORE
GET HIS FACKIN LEGS!
PAUL MONTUORI
Uh.. Which ones?
BRANDON MOORE
THE FUCKING KICKING ONE'S!
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh, right..
GET HIS FACKIN LEGS!
PAUL MONTUORI
Uh.. Which ones?
BRANDON MOORE
THE FUCKING KICKING ONE'S!
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh, right..
Paul goes to grab GOAT’s hind legs, but GOAT kicks Paul right in the Monty Python.
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh the Monty Python! Not again..
Oh the Monty Python! Not again..
Paul drops to the ground, holding the Monty Python. Brandon somehow manages to shove GOAT into the bag, closing the top of it closed as GOAT squirms.
BRANDON MOORE
Appreciate the help Monty..
PAUL MONTUORI
No problem..
Appreciate the help Monty..
PAUL MONTUORI
No problem..
Paul holds his hand up as Brandon pulls him to his feet.
BRANDON MOORE
Let’s get the fack outta here.
Let’s get the fack outta here.
They step off the Winnebago and out onto the parking lot..
PAUL MONTUORI
Hold on, we gotta leave a ransom note.
Hold on, we gotta leave a ransom note.
Paul digs into the book bag he left outside. He pulls out a note and puts it on the door.
BRANDON MOORE
What’s it say?
PAUL MONTUORI
The usual random note stuff.
What’s it say?
PAUL MONTUORI
The usual random note stuff.
GOAT squirms in the bag as Brandon punches it.
PAUL MONTUORI
Whoa! You can’t hit a GOAT.
BRANDON MOORE
Fuck that GOAT. It kicked you bruh. It put its goat dubya on your fuggin leg!
PAUL MONTUORI
Well yeah, but PETA might be watching..
Whoa! You can’t hit a GOAT.
BRANDON MOORE
Fuck that GOAT. It kicked you bruh. It put its goat dubya on your fuggin leg!
PAUL MONTUORI
Well yeah, but PETA might be watching..
They both turn and look at the camera sheepishly.
BRANDON MOORE
FUCK PETA! AND FUCK THIS GOAT!
FUCK PETA! AND FUCK THIS GOAT!
Brandon punches GOAT again. They start walking back.
BRANDON MOORE
Where we taking this GOAT?
PAUL MONTUORI
Uh.. Back to your place, duuuhh!
BRANDON MOORE
Why is it always my place?
PAUL MONTUORI
Does it look like I live anywhere? Have you ever seen me in my huge, private compound? Flying on my private jets? Or secret meet up and fuck apartments?
Where we taking this GOAT?
PAUL MONTUORI
Uh.. Back to your place, duuuhh!
BRANDON MOORE
Why is it always my place?
PAUL MONTUORI
Does it look like I live anywhere? Have you ever seen me in my huge, private compound? Flying on my private jets? Or secret meet up and fuck apartments?
Paul turns to the camera.
PAUL MONTUORI
I would’ve at least got you a fuck house. But now you done fucked up. Relish having that title while ya still got it..
I would’ve at least got you a fuck house. But now you done fucked up. Relish having that title while ya still got it..
Paul turns back to Brandon.
BRANDON MOORE
Michelle’s gonna be pissed.
PAUL MONTUORI
As she should be. You should know better than to listen to me..
Michelle’s gonna be pissed.
PAUL MONTUORI
As she should be. You should know better than to listen to me..