Freaky Friday.. But Freaky As Fuck.. (Joss Whedon Cut)
Apr 28, 2021 19:19:21 GMT -5
☠ VooDoo ☠, stratford, and 4 more like this
Post by Paul Montuori on Apr 28, 2021 19:19:21 GMT -5
INT. VHODKA MARIE’S SHITTY APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
Paul Montuori wakes up, rubbing his eyes in a haze. He slowly sits up in the bed.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
Uh.. My head.. What did I drink last night? And why’s my hair so nappy? Bruh, I know you Vidal Sassooned recently..
He continues to run his fingers in his hair. He stands up from the bed and walks into the bathroom. He leans over the toilet and reaches down. He stops, looking at his hands and arms.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
What the fuck? You sloppy idiot, you got tatted last night?? Well, it’s been a long time coming. You’d think you’d be covered in dumb shit by now. These look like dumb tats, but it could be worse.. How the fuck did I sit for all these? How long have I been out for?
Paul looks like he’s thinking for a moment before he shrugs, reaching back down. He then frantically starts grasping for the Monty Python.
PAUL MONTUORI
What the fuck happened to my dick?!
He flips on the light.
PAUL MONTUORI
I gotta vagina?! What the fuc.. I went Bryan Dyamond! You never go full Bryan Dyamond!
Paul turns around and catches a glimpse of himself.. Well, herself in the mirror. Standing in awe is Paul, who sees Vhodka Marie in his reflection. He does the typical, cheesy shit like raising his arm to see Vhodka’s arm raising in the mirror and making faces. He then grabs his tits.
PAUL MONTUORI
Where the the fuck did these tig o bitties come from?
He then looks down again.
PAUL MONTUORI
I must’ve took too many tabs.. Welp, we’re already down the rabbit hole, shit’s gotta wear off eventually.. Fuck I gotta pee.. How do I do this?
Paul awkwardly sits down.
PAUL MONTUORI
I guess I just.. Whoa! What the fuck?
Paul starts laughing, enjoying peeing sitting down.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
How much paper do I use? Hmm..
Paul takes some toilet paper from the roll.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
Can’t use too little and end up with one of those hops infestations.
Paul takes some more paper. Then some more before shrugging.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
That’ll do donkey.. Now to wipe.. It’s back to front right? Nah that don’t make sense.. Maybe I’ll just dab..
Paul reaches into the toilet and dabs a few time before standing up and flushing the toilet. He pulls up the thong, picking his wedgie before flushing the toilet. As he’s washing his hands, he stares at himself in the mirror, suddenly becoming amused..
PAUL MONTUORI
(laughing)
What the fuck.. Bruh.. We about to have some fucking fun..
VINCENT BLACK
(O.S.)
You OK?
The voice of Vincent Black startles Paul. He shuts the water off.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
Vin? The fuck is he doing here? Oh yeah..
Paul nervously clears his throat.
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Yeah, uh.. Sweetie thang. I’m just uh.. Dealing with some girl stuff. You know, cramps..
VINCENT BLACK
(O.S.)
You’re early..
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
How the fuck? I mean uh.. Be right there.
Paul looks around the gross, makeshift bathroom.
PAUL MONTUORI
What in fucking tarnations is going on in this place. Bruh.. Feel like Pookie’s gonna jump out at any moment. What kinda broad would live like this?
He takes one last look at himself.. Herself? Before walking back into the main and only room in the shitty apartment. Vinnie Black, standing in all of his handsome glory, looks up to see Paul awkwardly standing. He comes in for a kiss but Paul sidesteps.
VINCENT BLACK
You OK?
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Yeah uh.. Haven’t brushed my teeth yet. Morning breath.
VINCENT BLACK
Like I care.
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Well, you know I care baby.
VINCENT BLACK
Since when? And what’s wrong with your voice?
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Nothing. Just so excited to see you, my uh.. Stud muffin.
VINCENT BLACK
….what’s going on? You sure you’re alright?
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Yeah baby, I’m so good now that uh.. You’re here.
VINCENT BLACK
Then come over and gimme a kiss. I have some time to kill before my next appointment.
Vin walks up to Paul and pulls him in close, cupping his ass. Paul squirms away from Vin’s grip.
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
I’m sure, it’s just that time of the month. You know, with all the bleeding and gross blood.
VINCENT BLACK
I told you, it’s nature’s lube.
PAUL MONTUORI
The fuck is wrong with you?
VINCENT BLACK
Excuse me?
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
I mean.. I really can’t. I ate a bunch of Mexican food last night. My stomach is killing me.
VINCENT BLACK
You know I don’t min..
PAUL MONTUORI
No dammit! We’re not fucking OK?!
VINCENT BLACK
Are you sure you’re OK?
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Oh uh.. Yes, of course baby. You sweet thang. Just not today. Actually, I have something I really need to do. So you have to go OK?
VINCENT BLACK
Alright, but not without a kiss.
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Uhm.. OK..
Paul nervously walks up to Vin and tries to give him a peck on the lips. Vin grabs him close again and shoves his tongue down his throat. For a moment, Paul seems to be enjoying the kiss before he opens his eyes and sees Vin. He shoves Vin off of him.
VINCENT BLACK
You learn a new trick with your tongue?
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
I uh.. Was watching TED Talks last night. I wanted to surprise you..
VINCENT BLACK
Let me see that trick again.
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
You really have to go. Later tonight, I promise you, you uh. Sweet, sexy thang you.
VINCENT BLACK
OK?
Paul shoos Vin out of the apartment, closing the door behind him as Vin attempts to protest. Paul leans on the door, breathing a sigh of relief.
PAUL MONTUORI
(horrible high pitch voice)
Now I see why everyone thinks he’s such a dreamboat..
Paul clears his throat and walks back into the gross bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror.
PAUL MONTUORI
Dood.. What the fuck? You’re Vhodka? Wait, does that mean she’s me? Who cares, you have a pair of tits and a vagina. Time to have some fun.. But first, time to see what flicking the bean means..
Paul walks back into the bathroom, closing the beads behind him.
Minutes Later..
Paul staggers out of the bathroom, getting caught up in the beads. He looks disheveled as he sits on the bed.
PAUL MONTUORI
Wow.. That was just.. Wow.. And to think, all this time I was so selfish. Such a selfish lover. Always about me. Always about Paul Montuori. Always about getting me off. And all I had to do was a little strumming. No more. No longer. After today, Paul Montuori is no longer a selfish lover. After today Paul Montuori finishes last. Because Paul Montuori is a nice guy. And this nice hot ass girl is gonna go out on the town and fuck some shit up. Hide your dicks fellas.. Nope. Nevermind. Thought it wouldn’t sound weird, but saying it outloud. Nope.. Girls are into girls anyway. Go scoop up some broads. It’s 2021. LGBTWQP and all.. But I can’t go out looking like this. It’s time for ol’ Paulie Marie to show out. Bruh, it’s time to get fucking fierce!
Paul looks around, spotting some trash bags on the floor.
PAUL MONTUORI
No..
Paul opens one of the bags and dumps it on the ground as clothes come tumbling out. He opens the other bag and dumps more clothes on the floor. He walks over and turns on the radio.
He then begins to try on different outfits, each time modeling in front mirror as he begins to look sluttier and sluttier. Until finally he stands in front of the mirror in an outfit that would make Anicka Swan blush.
PAUL MONTUORI
You better work it girl..
Paul grabs his purse and stumbles in the platform knee high heels before gaining his balance. He steps out of the apartment and slowly climbs down the stairs to the first floor.
INT. MR. WU’S - CONTINUOUS
Paul steps into Mr. Wu’s. He looks over into the kitchen, seeing Mr. Wu supervising some line cooks weighing out white powder on scales while another counts money. Mr. Wu sees Paul and steps out of the kitchen, closing the door behind him. He looks Paul’s outfit up and down.
Paul steps into Mr. Wu’s. He looks over into the kitchen, seeing Mr. Wu supervising some line cooks weighing out white powder on scales while another counts money. Mr. Wu sees Paul and steps out of the kitchen, closing the door behind him. He looks Paul’s outfit up and down.
MR. WU
Crazy lady, why you dressed like that?
PAUL MONTUORI
Do I know you?
MR. WU
Do you know me? I’m Mr. Wu, your landlord. This my restaurant you’re in. What’s wrong with you?
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh yeah, sorry Mr. Wu. Crazy night.. Wait, Mr. Wu? And this is your restaurant?
MR. WU
Yes, is there problem?
PAUL MONTUORI
No, no problem. Just kinda weird. Never seen a black dood own a Chinese restaurant before. And named Mr. Wu. You must be on that Bruce Leroy shit. Who’s the baddest?
MR. WU
It shall always be Sho Nuff and are you sure you’re OK? You act strange, even more than normal..
PAUL MONTUORI
Sorry, like I said, crazy night. It was nice meeti.. Seeing you again. But I must be going.
MR. WU
Where are you going dressed like that at 2 in the afternoon?
PAUL MONTUORI
Hey, I look fierce as fuck, OK?
Paul puts big sunglasses on his face and spins around before catwalking out of the restaurant.
EXT. STREET - SOME CITY
Paul looks around the street before walking fierce as fuck down the sidewalk. Men passing by turn to look at him. He passes a construction site as the workers stop and gawk.
EXT. STREET - SOME CITY
Paul looks around the street before walking fierce as fuck down the sidewalk. Men passing by turn to look at him. He passes a construction site as the workers stop and gawk.
PERV #1
Whoa baby, looking for some dick? Because I got one!
PERV #2
Yeah baby, wanna fuck?
PERV #3
Come on over here and blow all of us. We don’t mind taking turns.
Paul clutches his purse as he passes them. They all high five.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
Geez, whatever happened to just whistling?
A guy in a semi-truck honks, hanging out the window with his tongue wagging.
PAUL MONTUORI
(V.O.)
One thing if they were hot. But who wants to be hollered at by a..
PERV #4
Excuse me, miss?
Paul turns to see a guy sitting in his car. He goes over, bending over to lean down onto the car. Ass hanging out.
PERV #4
How much for a little mouth action?
PAUL MONTUORI
Excuse me?
PERV #4
A blow job? Ya know, suck my dick?
PAUL MONTUORI
(disgusted)
Yeah, I fucking know what a little mouth action is. I practically invented it. But not.. Nevermind.. If I was ever gonna suck a dick, my first one wouldn’t be your gross ass dick.
PERV #4
Sure honey, you never sucked a dick before. And I’m Johnny Stylez.
PAUL MONTUORI
Can’t be Johnny Stylez without having dumb, blue hair. Why don’t you go suck on a lemon?
PERV #4
Fuck you too ya slut.
The car speeds off as Paul jumps back. Just then a cop pulls up, flashing his lights.
POLICE OFFICER
Listen, honey, not on my block alright?
PAUL MONTUORI
Not what on your block?
POLICE OFFICER
You know what. I saw you talking to that john.
PAUL MONTUORI
You knew that guy’s name? He’s a fucking creep.
POLICE OFFICER
Whatever you say. If I catch you back out here, you’re going in for the night.
PAUL MONTUORI
Wait, do you think I’m a hooker?
POLICE OFFICER
I’m not into labels. Last warning..
The cop drives off. Paul looks confused and starts walking down the street again. He clears a block or so before a group of doods pass him. They do a sharp u-turn and start to follow him, whistling and cat calling. The leader of the group catches up to Paul and grabs his arm. He pulls it away, turning to face him.
PAUL MONTUORI
Don’t you fucking touch me!
PERV #5
Come on baby, you know you want it. Why else would you be dressed like that?
PAUL MONTUORI
Dressed like what?
PERV #5
Like a fucking slut.
PAUL MONTUORI
(gasps)
Just because I’m dressed this way, does not make me a slut. And I resent that, dick.
Paul cocks back and punches Perv #4 in the face. He staggers back, holding his nose. He motions to his crew.
PERV #5
What the fuck are you waiting for? Get the whore!
Paul throws his bag at them and starts to run down the street, looking beautiful as fuck. He runs into the first open door he comes to.
INT. CHIX ON DIX STRIP CLUB - CONTINUOUS
Paul shuts the door behind him and runs blindly into the club, running into the bouncer.
BOUNCER
Whoa, what’s the hurry?
PAUL MONTUORI
These guys, were chasing m..
The door swings open as the guys come barrelling in. The bouncer pushes Paul behind him as a couple other bouncers step up.
BOUNCER
We’re closed.
PERV #5
Well I got some unfinished business with that bitch.
BOUNCER
I said we’re closed.
By now the dancers have gathered around to watch the show. The mammoth of a bouncer puts his banana hands onto Perv #5’s shoulder, squeezing as buddy winces in pain. He looks over at Paul.
PERV #5
This isn’t over.
They turn and leave as Paul looks relieved. He walks over to the bar sitting down as the dancers huddle around him.
MOUSERATTI
Oh my god, are you OK?
PAUL MONTUORI
Yeah uh.. I guess.. Vodka pineapple please.
The bartender nods and goes about making the drink.
PAUL MONTUORI
Poor Vhodka..
PORSCHA
Poor vodka what?
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh nothing.. Sorry today’s just been.. Crazy. I just never realized how gross guys are.
The dancers start to laugh.
CINNAMON
Honey child, tell me about it.
PAUL MONTUORI
Well, OK.. When I woke up today, you would not believe the.. Transformation I felt. It was like, I was a completely different person. And I thought today was the day that I could be someone else, and not have to be so on. A break from me being me. But that all ended as soon as I stepped out. Here I was, wrapped in this fantasy world of mine. Of who I was. Of what my problems were. And this entire time, the person I was and the way I treated women was horrible. I was preyed upon like a meat today in the mere matters of minutes. I only made it a few blocks from that shitty ass apartment. In those few blocks, those mere minutes, my entire world was completely changed. To be drooled upon by gross ass doods everywhere I looked. The danger women must face every time they leave their house. Having to worry about what they wear or what they say to men so they don't give off the wrong impression. It is completely disgusting and unacceptable and must come to an end. And I apologize profusely in the role I played, as I have been no saint ladies. I wasn't given the AVN Lifetime Achievement Award for being a generous lover..
MASERATTI
What?
CINNAMON
I don't know what this bitch talking about..
FERRARI
You know what you need? To dance it out.
PAUL MONTUORI
No, I couldn’t.
PORSCHA
Sure you can. Hey Mikey, put that song for the newbie.
VHODKA MARIE
What the fuck?
Paul looks over to see Vhodka Marie standing, hands on her hips.
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh shit! About fucking time.
VHODKA MARIE
Oh my.. What am I wearing?
PAUL MONTUORI
It’s OK.
VHODKA MARIE
Is it tho?
FERRARI
Ohhhh, is he your man?
PAUL MONTUORI
Child please. He wishes.
MASERATTI
Ohhhh, I heard that.
VHODKA MARIE
What? He wishes. There was this big thing about him being in love with me and everything. It got creepy there for a second.
CINNAMON
Why do you keep saying he? You that desperate you gotta throw shade?
PORSCHA
Just move on, you’re cute. You’ll be able to find someone else.
VHODKA MARIE
No, you don’t understand. She’s not a she, she’s a he.
MASERATTI
I knew it! Looks just like a dood.
VHODKA MARIE
No wait, that’s not wh..
FERRARI
It’s the adam’s apple. And the broad shoulders.
VHODKA MARIE
Adam’s apple? I don’t ha.. Broad shoulders? I don’t se..
MASERATTI
And she ain’t got no ass.
FERRARI
Nope.
VHODKA MARIE
I mean, it’s not huge but it’s cute.. Look it doesn’t matter. Paul, let’s go. Play time’s over.
CINNAMON
Hey you don’t talk to him like that!
PORSCHA
Yeah, leave him alone!
BOUNCER
Do we have another problem?
VHODKA MARIE
No. Paul, tell him we don’t have a problem.
PAUL MONTUORI
We’re fine. Thank you ladies for everything.
VHODKA MARIE
Please tell me you didn’t have sex..
Paul holds up his hand, doing the creepy Brittany Murphy finger thing.
PAUL MONTUORI
I’ll never tell..
PAUL MONTUORI
Dood if you don’t hurry up, we’re gonna throw hands. And you don’t want to get beat up by a girl.
VHODKA MARIE
Did you have sex with anyone?
PAUL MONTUORI
Why does it matter?
VHODKA MARIE
Because it’s my body. And I can only imagine the type of guys you would fuck.
PAUL MONTUORI
The type of guys I would have sex with? How dare you? You don’t think I could scoop a hot guy in your body? If anything, it’s your fault. It’s your body.. And I wouldn’t fuck any type of guy. What would make you think I would bang a dood.
PIERRE
I could see it.
PAUL MONTUORI
Hey fuck you Pierre, you’re the reason we’re in this mess.
TOMMY KAIN
OK, everyone relax. Pierre, come on. You remember that time down in El Mezcalo where you fell into the bull pin? And Goat wanted to leave you. He said “Fuck it Tommy, let’s pops some blues and find some ladies.” But I told him “No way El Goato” I jumped down in that pin and almost got gored to death. That was hilarious. So I’m calling in that favor.
PIERRE
But I had to save you.
TOMMY KAIN
Tomato potato Pierre. Come on buddy.
VHODKA MARIE
Boo Baja Blast..
Pierre
(snickering)
Ladies first.
PAUL MONTUORI
Yeah yeah, fuck you too. Tommy, don’t let this little Tyrion poison.
TOMMY KAIN
He would never.
PAUL MONTUORI
It didn’t work.
PIERRE
It’s not instant ya jackass. Sleep it off, you’ll be back to your dumbass self in no time.
PAUL MONTUORI
Hey, I gotta 3.5 GPA in high school you little dick.
PAUL MONTUORI
Wouldn’t it be cool if we had sex, in each other’s bodies? That’d be so fucking cool.
VHODKA MARIE
Pass.
PAUL MONTUORI
No think about it. We’re having sex. With each other. But we’re in each other’s bodies.
VHODKA MARIE
Hard pass.
PAUL MONTUORI
You’re lame.
VHODKA MARIE
I thought you changed?
PAUL MONTUORI
I did.
VHODKA MARIE
You just tried to convince me to fuck you like I’m a weeb.
PAUL MONTUORI
A wha? And that’s different.
VHODKA MARIE
How so?
PAUL MONTUORI
That was for science. Weird science..
You know what you need? To dance it out.
PAUL MONTUORI
No, I couldn’t.
PORSCHA
Sure you can. Hey Mikey, put that song for the newbie.
The DJ across the room nods. The dancers start to cheer for Paul, encouraging him as he shrugs and downs the rest of the drink. He rolls onto the stage and stands up as the song begins to play.
Paul does his fucking thing. Spinning on the pole, spinning upside down.. Crawling across the floor like a bad ‘80s hair band video. He even climbs up to the top of the pole and slides down fast as fuck, landing in a split at the bottom as all the dancers go crazy. They jump onto stage, hugging him as he starts to cry tears of joy.
VHODKA MARIE
What the fuck?
Paul looks over to see Vhodka Marie standing, hands on her hips.
PAUL MONTUORI
Oh shit! About fucking time.
Paul stands up.
VHODKA MARIE
Oh my.. What am I wearing?
PAUL MONTUORI
It’s OK.
VHODKA MARIE
Is it tho?
FERRARI
Ohhhh, is he your man?
PAUL MONTUORI
Child please. He wishes.
MASERATTI
Ohhhh, I heard that.
VHODKA MARIE
What? He wishes. There was this big thing about him being in love with me and everything. It got creepy there for a second.
CINNAMON
Why do you keep saying he? You that desperate you gotta throw shade?
PORSCHA
Just move on, you’re cute. You’ll be able to find someone else.
VHODKA MARIE
No, you don’t understand. She’s not a she, she’s a he.
MASERATTI
I knew it! Looks just like a dood.
VHODKA MARIE
No wait, that’s not wh..
FERRARI
It’s the adam’s apple. And the broad shoulders.
VHODKA MARIE
Adam’s apple? I don’t ha.. Broad shoulders? I don’t se..
MASERATTI
And she ain’t got no ass.
FERRARI
Nope.
VHODKA MARIE
I mean, it’s not huge but it’s cute.. Look it doesn’t matter. Paul, let’s go. Play time’s over.
CINNAMON
Hey you don’t talk to him like that!
PORSCHA
Yeah, leave him alone!
BOUNCER
Do we have another problem?
VHODKA MARIE
No. Paul, tell him we don’t have a problem.
PAUL MONTUORI
We’re fine. Thank you ladies for everything.
Paul hugs each one as Vhodka stands, impatiently. He walks walks with her towards the exit.
VHODKA MARIE
Please tell me you didn’t have sex..
Paul holds up his hand, doing the creepy Brittany Murphy finger thing.
PAUL MONTUORI
I’ll never tell..
INT. TOMMY KAIN’S WINNEBAGO
Paul and Vhodka stand awkwardly in the kitchen. TK, the Goat and Pierre stand huddled across from them.
Paul and Vhodka stand awkwardly in the kitchen. TK, the Goat and Pierre stand huddled across from them.
PAUL MONTUORI
Dood if you don’t hurry up, we’re gonna throw hands. And you don’t want to get beat up by a girl.
VHODKA MARIE
Did you have sex with anyone?
PAUL MONTUORI
Why does it matter?
VHODKA MARIE
Because it’s my body. And I can only imagine the type of guys you would fuck.
PAUL MONTUORI
The type of guys I would have sex with? How dare you? You don’t think I could scoop a hot guy in your body? If anything, it’s your fault. It’s your body.. And I wouldn’t fuck any type of guy. What would make you think I would bang a dood.
PIERRE
I could see it.
PAUL MONTUORI
Hey fuck you Pierre, you’re the reason we’re in this mess.
TOMMY KAIN
OK, everyone relax. Pierre, come on. You remember that time down in El Mezcalo where you fell into the bull pin? And Goat wanted to leave you. He said “Fuck it Tommy, let’s pops some blues and find some ladies.” But I told him “No way El Goato” I jumped down in that pin and almost got gored to death. That was hilarious. So I’m calling in that favor.
PIERRE
But I had to save you.
TOMMY KAIN
Tomato potato Pierre. Come on buddy.
Pierre looks around, then deep into Goat’s eyes before throwing his hands up and reluctantly walking to the back of the Winnebago. He reappears holding a cup of soda. Vhodka’s eyes light up for a second before disappointment comes over her face.
VHODKA MARIE
Boo Baja Blast..
Pierre hands the cup over to Paul.
Pierre
(snickering)
Ladies first.
PAUL MONTUORI
Yeah yeah, fuck you too. Tommy, don’t let this little Tyrion poison.
TOMMY KAIN
He would never.
Paul takes a few chugs. He then hands it to Vhodka who does so as well. She hands the cup back to Pierre.
PAUL MONTUORI
It didn’t work.
PIERRE
It’s not instant ya jackass. Sleep it off, you’ll be back to your dumbass self in no time.
PAUL MONTUORI
Hey, I gotta 3.5 GPA in high school you little dick.
Paul pats Pierre on the head and walk pass him. Him and Vhodka step off the bus.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
They start to walk off.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
They start to walk off.
PAUL MONTUORI
Wouldn’t it be cool if we had sex, in each other’s bodies? That’d be so fucking cool.
VHODKA MARIE
Pass.
PAUL MONTUORI
No think about it. We’re having sex. With each other. But we’re in each other’s bodies.
VHODKA MARIE
Hard pass.
PAUL MONTUORI
You’re lame.
VHODKA MARIE
I thought you changed?
PAUL MONTUORI
I did.
VHODKA MARIE
You just tried to convince me to fuck you like I’m a weeb.
PAUL MONTUORI
A wha? And that’s different.
VHODKA MARIE
How so?
PAUL MONTUORI
That was for science. Weird science..
Fin.