Just drinking and saving the Galaxy....no big deal.
Jun 4, 2021 14:32:25 GMT -5
Miss Michelle and Vhodka Marie like this
Post by coolrifletk47 on Jun 4, 2021 14:32:25 GMT -5
No, no, no, I totally get it P, you and GOAT have something ultra-important to talk to me about. But what I am trying to tell you is that there is no way that whatever you need to talk to me about, unless it involves an aneurysm, a handicap orphanage fire, Las Vegas Raider press box season tickets, or a live action Thundercats movie then there is no way it is more important than what I am doing right now.
Thomas, I assure you that what I want to speak to you about is more important than some, brain cell eradicating, video game.
(The words cut across the room and appeared to cut a sharp path right into the center of Tommy Kain’s amygdala. His reptile brain had been triggered. In a standard, emotionally stable, and generally sober human, these electrical currents could potentially trigger some type of emotional response. Some frustration, maybe an elevated pulse, some narrowing of the pupils. However, Tommy Kain’s brain was not like a normal human.
Now whether that was due to abnormal development, some type of past trauma, an excessive amount of hooch, or possibly any of the various experiments that Pierre and GOAT had performed on TK over the years of their “relationship” before it actually became the friendship that it is today, is not clear. But after Pierre had uttered the last syllable Kain’s breathing began to quicken. His pupils narrowed and he could feel a sting that felt like it started into the center of his head and shot down to his left pinky toe.”
Video game?
Video game Pierre?
Grand Theft Auto is just a video game, Call of Duty is just a video game, what you see on this screen is far more than that. It is an allegory, it is a lesson for all mankind. It is the GOT DAMNED MASS EFFECT LEGENDARY EDITION PIERRE!
THE REAPERS ARE COMING PIERRE AND ME AND MY TEAM OF MISFITS FROM ACROSS THE GALAXY ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN STOP THEM!
I am literally building relationships and changing lives while ensuring the safety of the entire galaxy P, so you can politely save all of your “just a video game” talk for someone who is not a few cut scenes away from nasty time with the hottest blue chick in literally the entire cosmos. So, if you don’t mind, let’s go ahead and put a big ol’ pin in whatever it is you and GOATster need until I put down this cosmic threat or finish off this bottle of Jameson. I am a terrible multi-tasker P, so I have to make a list of priorities.
So as of right now, I am at
Save the universe and court hot alien chicks (it is kind of a tie) Drink excessively Literally anything else.
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Really, now you are gonna start in too? Look you two, I am extra busy and time is the one thing the universe doesn’t have an infinite amount of so are you sure this can’t wait?
(GOAT slowly moved his snout almost close enough to touch TK’s cheek and stared at him as intently as a GOAT can stare. Pierre had begun employing the same staring method but from a much further and less awkward distance.)
Okay, okay, good lord, let me just save real quick and open up another bottle, I have a feeling I am gonna need it.
(Kain hit a few buttons on his Xbox one controller and turned the console off before getting up and heading to the refrigerated area of the WANNABANGOHHHHHHHHH. He screwed off the top of a fresh bottle of Jameson whiskey. He took one swig and allowed himself to relax in the back of the recreational vehicle. Pierre and GOAT took seats near Kain and began to look at him like a pair of concerned parents.)
Fellas, I swear to Odin, if this is another stab at an intervention you had better at least have ordered a few pizzas this time.
No Thomas, this is not an intervention. We gave up on that idea after you took the therapist to that brothel and a week later, he wound up selling used Afghans down under the freeway overpass.
Ahhhh, good ol Cricket, he is a really good dude, makes a heck of a blanket, can’t hold his booze worth a damn though. Not sure if that lazy eye he ended up with will ever go back to normal but now he can look right at you while he is driving, which has to be good for something.
(Suddenly, and without warning, GOAT turned his head sharply and bit Kain on his thigh. Not hard enough to draw any blood due to goat shaped teeth, but definitely hard enough to bruise and definitely hard enough to garner some undivided attention.)
OWWWWWWWWWW! GREAT CAESAR’S DRESSING, WHAT THE HELL BRO!!!?
Thomas GOAT and I are going to need you to, how do you like to put it, “really focus up” here for a moment because we feel like this is extremely important.
(Kain began rubbing his leg and his face began to sink like a scorned middle schooler, because after all, that was exactly what the conversation felt like.)
Okay, damn, what do you two want?
Thomas, we are concerned about you.
Okay……Why exactly?
Well, there is a laundry list of reasons Thomas. Some of the concerns are pretty old topics. Your level of maturity, your excessive alcohol consumption, the fact that argued with another grown, adult man in public about who was the most effective member of the Smurfs.
But more specifically and definitely more recent is your relationship with Paul and that Southern Heavyweight title situation you have gotten yourself into.
Oh, that, Sweet P, GOAT nuts, listen to me. We are co-champions, we both won that match fair and square. Paul figured out a cool way for us to share the title. He gets to hold the title on five out of the seven weekdays and all the ones that end in Y and I get it on holidays, leap years, and any week the Raiders or Fightin Irish win a football game.
And besides, you got me that awesome back up title with the cool beer mug front plate to wear as a back up so what is the problem?
Thomas it isn’t the title belt itself. It is Paul.
Pierre, if you are coming here to tell me you two are worried that he is going to be my NEW and ONLY best friend, don’t. You two have been my aces, my main men and GOAT, nothing is gonna change that.
No Thomas, we have no issues with Paul as a person. He is great to have around. It is like having a clone of you without having to spend a trillion dollars on gene replacements, DNA recombinant, a large batch of test tubes, three molecular biologists, and a barrel of tissue samples, and another secret lab to conduct not so legal experimentation.
No, the issue is Paul’s other associates, FOCUS. They are dangerous Thomas. They are not a typical fly by night wrestling faction thrown together by a promoter for a rapid financial gain. They seem to be an actual organization and they also seem like just the kind of group you will march head long into a fight with for no reason but to give you something to do.
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Precisely, and if that wasn’t bad enough then we can add that Dane Preston and his family into the fray and the numbers don’t favor you at all Thomas. And GOAT and I have both known you long enough to know that is your favorite kind of war.
What kind is that P?
The kind that everyone knows you can’t win.
So as your friends Thomas, we are asking you to leave this thing alone. If Paul wants to be with his FOCUS allies, let him. If FOCUS and Dane Preston want to destroy each other then just leave them to it.
Thomas I have associates all over the world, GOAT and I can protect you if you are willing to be careful and do things our way. Round the clock security detail, secured transport. GOAT and I were willing to let you fight Brandon Moore, you were fighting for pride, you were fighting for something you believed in. We knew we couldn’t stop you. But this, this is a different beast altogether. You don’t have to get involved and we don’t think you should. We think you should reconsider this week’s contest against Dane Preston and issue a statement that you are neutral in this Syndicate versus FOCUS situation. Then you can ask OPW management to put you in the Prestige division or maybe give you some extended time off and hopefully by then both of those groups will have become distracted with one another and have forgotten about you.
(Tommy Kain sat and looked into the eyes of his two best and closest friends and for the first time he can remember he recognized real concern. Not concern about what could happen to the key to an evil plan for world domination but concern for a friend who was not known to make the best and most healthy decisions.
Kain would never admit it out loud, but he had been willing to allow Pierre and GOAT to really get to KNOW him as a person and as a human, so it made sense for them to be worried. TK knew what he was going to do the second those FOCUS fuckholes pushed up on him when he rode his rented elephant into the ring. It put a stamp on it the millisecond that old Sucker Punch Preston whacked him with that steel pipe and ran off at the mouth about the “wrong friends”. Besides, P-Mont was his newest best friend so he would be damned if he was going to let those Fuckus crabs pull the other half of the Southern Champions down into that boiling pot. .
He was gonna fight every single one of them. Either one by one or all at the same damn time. In his head it wasn’t about winning or losing, it was about getting the last word. About showing these hacks that whether they had gotten the memo or not, TK was not guy to jump on. That TK was the lord of the “I WISH YOU” Woods.
The only thing now is that he hated to see how worried his friends were about him. Like, hadn’t they been around him long enough to know this kind of stuff only went one way. Kain was always looking for a fight and even more so when the fight came to him. This week would be no different than any other week. Except this week Kain would be able to say that his opponent asked for it.)
P-man, GOAT of all GOATS, ya’ll both know how much I appreciate you. But you both also know that good ol’ TK ain’t never saw a fight he didn’t like. I am also gonna have to guess that neither of you are probably gonna be surprised to know that I am gonna have to take a hard pass on the “skip the fight with Preston” plan.
But I want you guys to know that you don’t need to worry. I mean I understand that this guy is trained MMA fighter. Who isn’t these days. You can’t throw a bottle of roid rage in 2021 and not hit at least two of these MMA douche rockets. These dudes who either didn’t get enough hugs when they were kids or got hugged a little too long. Walking around overcompensating with their tight American Flag shirts and lifted pick-up trucks. Walking around inside with their white rimmed Oakleys on calling everybody bro and punching themselves in the face so nobody forgets that they are “fighters”.
You will have to forgive me if that don’t cause my heart to pump even a small drop of fear. I mean I have been doing this a long, long time and I have fought them all. MMA guys, ninjas, escaped mental patients, one dude who I am pretty sure was an alien, and another crazy guy who thought he was a Norse God of war and had full on conversations with a sword.
Which he also stabbed me with.
So you are gonna have to come at me with more than a steel pipe and a line from a knock off Goodfellas flick to put any hesitation in my steps. This dude honestly thought he would just walk right into a locker room and put his grubby little paws on my and then walk away with zero get back. That is a level of dumb that I just can’t abide by. Now keep in mind I heard all the talk. I know he killed a dude accidentally or on purpose. I know he was another in a long line of should have beens in the MMA world. Would have been right there on the Overcompensation Mt. Rushmore with a bunch of other soon to be spousal abusers whose names I can’t bother remember. But see now we get to see how bad he is when he is looking me in the eye sockets. Now we get to see if he is still Captain Kickass without a pipe in his hand.
The way I see it, that schmuck owes me one and I intend to collect with some interest.
And before you start telling me about his family legacy I already know. I know full and got damned well that Dane Preston is another in the long line of Riggs Dynasty so and sos. I mean I don’t know what it is about OPW but the family reunion thing just seems a bit over done to me. I mean everybody is either related by blood or married or knew each other back in boarding school or used to work the same shift at the local Roller Rink.
Everybody except me of course.
You fellas and my brother from a totally different mother P-Mont are all the family I got here and if I am being every bit of honest you are also the only family I need.
See I see this match with Preston and then my inevitable fightin party with FRAKUS as my version of Shepard’s suicide mission from the end of Mass Effect 2.
See I know how it is supposed to go, I know how everybody thinks it is going to go. The WannaBangOHHHHHH is my Normandy and it is the best ship in the fleet. Pierre, you are Mordin Solis, you are a Salarian genius and nobody expects you to put a lazer shot right between their peepers but when you do they know you mean business. GOAT is like any of the Krogan’s, I am going to go with Urndnot Wrex. He is tough around the edges and hard as nails but deep down he just wants what is best for his people.
And P-Mont, P-Mont is my Garrus Vakarian, my Turian runnin buddy, The Snowman to my Bandit. Misguided but knows deep down there has to be a better way. And right now he is in trouble and I am the only one who can save him.
Thomas, you realize for the last five minutes I have had zero clue as to what you are rambling on about.
For sure P, I know you are a Witcher man yourself.
I mean it is a superior game in story and gameplay.
Bite your tongue Mordin. And get ready because we are heading to the Collector homeworld and most think it is a one-way trip. And for a normal crew they would be absolutely right.
But what they don’t know is that our crew is anything but normal.
And they are going to remember that I’m Commander Shephard and Tommy Kain is my favorite wrestler on the Citadel.
Thomas, I assure you that what I want to speak to you about is more important than some, brain cell eradicating, video game.
(The words cut across the room and appeared to cut a sharp path right into the center of Tommy Kain’s amygdala. His reptile brain had been triggered. In a standard, emotionally stable, and generally sober human, these electrical currents could potentially trigger some type of emotional response. Some frustration, maybe an elevated pulse, some narrowing of the pupils. However, Tommy Kain’s brain was not like a normal human.
Now whether that was due to abnormal development, some type of past trauma, an excessive amount of hooch, or possibly any of the various experiments that Pierre and GOAT had performed on TK over the years of their “relationship” before it actually became the friendship that it is today, is not clear. But after Pierre had uttered the last syllable Kain’s breathing began to quicken. His pupils narrowed and he could feel a sting that felt like it started into the center of his head and shot down to his left pinky toe.”
Video game?
Video game Pierre?
Grand Theft Auto is just a video game, Call of Duty is just a video game, what you see on this screen is far more than that. It is an allegory, it is a lesson for all mankind. It is the GOT DAMNED MASS EFFECT LEGENDARY EDITION PIERRE!
THE REAPERS ARE COMING PIERRE AND ME AND MY TEAM OF MISFITS FROM ACROSS THE GALAXY ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN STOP THEM!
I am literally building relationships and changing lives while ensuring the safety of the entire galaxy P, so you can politely save all of your “just a video game” talk for someone who is not a few cut scenes away from nasty time with the hottest blue chick in literally the entire cosmos. So, if you don’t mind, let’s go ahead and put a big ol’ pin in whatever it is you and GOATster need until I put down this cosmic threat or finish off this bottle of Jameson. I am a terrible multi-tasker P, so I have to make a list of priorities.
So as of right now, I am at
Save the universe and court hot alien chicks (it is kind of a tie) Drink excessively Literally anything else.
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Really, now you are gonna start in too? Look you two, I am extra busy and time is the one thing the universe doesn’t have an infinite amount of so are you sure this can’t wait?
(GOAT slowly moved his snout almost close enough to touch TK’s cheek and stared at him as intently as a GOAT can stare. Pierre had begun employing the same staring method but from a much further and less awkward distance.)
Okay, okay, good lord, let me just save real quick and open up another bottle, I have a feeling I am gonna need it.
(Kain hit a few buttons on his Xbox one controller and turned the console off before getting up and heading to the refrigerated area of the WANNABANGOHHHHHHHHH. He screwed off the top of a fresh bottle of Jameson whiskey. He took one swig and allowed himself to relax in the back of the recreational vehicle. Pierre and GOAT took seats near Kain and began to look at him like a pair of concerned parents.)
Fellas, I swear to Odin, if this is another stab at an intervention you had better at least have ordered a few pizzas this time.
No Thomas, this is not an intervention. We gave up on that idea after you took the therapist to that brothel and a week later, he wound up selling used Afghans down under the freeway overpass.
Ahhhh, good ol Cricket, he is a really good dude, makes a heck of a blanket, can’t hold his booze worth a damn though. Not sure if that lazy eye he ended up with will ever go back to normal but now he can look right at you while he is driving, which has to be good for something.
(Suddenly, and without warning, GOAT turned his head sharply and bit Kain on his thigh. Not hard enough to draw any blood due to goat shaped teeth, but definitely hard enough to bruise and definitely hard enough to garner some undivided attention.)
OWWWWWWWWWW! GREAT CAESAR’S DRESSING, WHAT THE HELL BRO!!!?
Thomas GOAT and I are going to need you to, how do you like to put it, “really focus up” here for a moment because we feel like this is extremely important.
(Kain began rubbing his leg and his face began to sink like a scorned middle schooler, because after all, that was exactly what the conversation felt like.)
Okay, damn, what do you two want?
Thomas, we are concerned about you.
Okay……Why exactly?
Well, there is a laundry list of reasons Thomas. Some of the concerns are pretty old topics. Your level of maturity, your excessive alcohol consumption, the fact that argued with another grown, adult man in public about who was the most effective member of the Smurfs.
But more specifically and definitely more recent is your relationship with Paul and that Southern Heavyweight title situation you have gotten yourself into.
Oh, that, Sweet P, GOAT nuts, listen to me. We are co-champions, we both won that match fair and square. Paul figured out a cool way for us to share the title. He gets to hold the title on five out of the seven weekdays and all the ones that end in Y and I get it on holidays, leap years, and any week the Raiders or Fightin Irish win a football game.
And besides, you got me that awesome back up title with the cool beer mug front plate to wear as a back up so what is the problem?
Thomas it isn’t the title belt itself. It is Paul.
Pierre, if you are coming here to tell me you two are worried that he is going to be my NEW and ONLY best friend, don’t. You two have been my aces, my main men and GOAT, nothing is gonna change that.
No Thomas, we have no issues with Paul as a person. He is great to have around. It is like having a clone of you without having to spend a trillion dollars on gene replacements, DNA recombinant, a large batch of test tubes, three molecular biologists, and a barrel of tissue samples, and another secret lab to conduct not so legal experimentation.
No, the issue is Paul’s other associates, FOCUS. They are dangerous Thomas. They are not a typical fly by night wrestling faction thrown together by a promoter for a rapid financial gain. They seem to be an actual organization and they also seem like just the kind of group you will march head long into a fight with for no reason but to give you something to do.
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Precisely, and if that wasn’t bad enough then we can add that Dane Preston and his family into the fray and the numbers don’t favor you at all Thomas. And GOAT and I have both known you long enough to know that is your favorite kind of war.
What kind is that P?
The kind that everyone knows you can’t win.
So as your friends Thomas, we are asking you to leave this thing alone. If Paul wants to be with his FOCUS allies, let him. If FOCUS and Dane Preston want to destroy each other then just leave them to it.
Thomas I have associates all over the world, GOAT and I can protect you if you are willing to be careful and do things our way. Round the clock security detail, secured transport. GOAT and I were willing to let you fight Brandon Moore, you were fighting for pride, you were fighting for something you believed in. We knew we couldn’t stop you. But this, this is a different beast altogether. You don’t have to get involved and we don’t think you should. We think you should reconsider this week’s contest against Dane Preston and issue a statement that you are neutral in this Syndicate versus FOCUS situation. Then you can ask OPW management to put you in the Prestige division or maybe give you some extended time off and hopefully by then both of those groups will have become distracted with one another and have forgotten about you.
(Tommy Kain sat and looked into the eyes of his two best and closest friends and for the first time he can remember he recognized real concern. Not concern about what could happen to the key to an evil plan for world domination but concern for a friend who was not known to make the best and most healthy decisions.
Kain would never admit it out loud, but he had been willing to allow Pierre and GOAT to really get to KNOW him as a person and as a human, so it made sense for them to be worried. TK knew what he was going to do the second those FOCUS fuckholes pushed up on him when he rode his rented elephant into the ring. It put a stamp on it the millisecond that old Sucker Punch Preston whacked him with that steel pipe and ran off at the mouth about the “wrong friends”. Besides, P-Mont was his newest best friend so he would be damned if he was going to let those Fuckus crabs pull the other half of the Southern Champions down into that boiling pot. .
He was gonna fight every single one of them. Either one by one or all at the same damn time. In his head it wasn’t about winning or losing, it was about getting the last word. About showing these hacks that whether they had gotten the memo or not, TK was not guy to jump on. That TK was the lord of the “I WISH YOU” Woods.
The only thing now is that he hated to see how worried his friends were about him. Like, hadn’t they been around him long enough to know this kind of stuff only went one way. Kain was always looking for a fight and even more so when the fight came to him. This week would be no different than any other week. Except this week Kain would be able to say that his opponent asked for it.)
P-man, GOAT of all GOATS, ya’ll both know how much I appreciate you. But you both also know that good ol’ TK ain’t never saw a fight he didn’t like. I am also gonna have to guess that neither of you are probably gonna be surprised to know that I am gonna have to take a hard pass on the “skip the fight with Preston” plan.
But I want you guys to know that you don’t need to worry. I mean I understand that this guy is trained MMA fighter. Who isn’t these days. You can’t throw a bottle of roid rage in 2021 and not hit at least two of these MMA douche rockets. These dudes who either didn’t get enough hugs when they were kids or got hugged a little too long. Walking around overcompensating with their tight American Flag shirts and lifted pick-up trucks. Walking around inside with their white rimmed Oakleys on calling everybody bro and punching themselves in the face so nobody forgets that they are “fighters”.
You will have to forgive me if that don’t cause my heart to pump even a small drop of fear. I mean I have been doing this a long, long time and I have fought them all. MMA guys, ninjas, escaped mental patients, one dude who I am pretty sure was an alien, and another crazy guy who thought he was a Norse God of war and had full on conversations with a sword.
Which he also stabbed me with.
So you are gonna have to come at me with more than a steel pipe and a line from a knock off Goodfellas flick to put any hesitation in my steps. This dude honestly thought he would just walk right into a locker room and put his grubby little paws on my and then walk away with zero get back. That is a level of dumb that I just can’t abide by. Now keep in mind I heard all the talk. I know he killed a dude accidentally or on purpose. I know he was another in a long line of should have beens in the MMA world. Would have been right there on the Overcompensation Mt. Rushmore with a bunch of other soon to be spousal abusers whose names I can’t bother remember. But see now we get to see how bad he is when he is looking me in the eye sockets. Now we get to see if he is still Captain Kickass without a pipe in his hand.
The way I see it, that schmuck owes me one and I intend to collect with some interest.
And before you start telling me about his family legacy I already know. I know full and got damned well that Dane Preston is another in the long line of Riggs Dynasty so and sos. I mean I don’t know what it is about OPW but the family reunion thing just seems a bit over done to me. I mean everybody is either related by blood or married or knew each other back in boarding school or used to work the same shift at the local Roller Rink.
Everybody except me of course.
You fellas and my brother from a totally different mother P-Mont are all the family I got here and if I am being every bit of honest you are also the only family I need.
See I see this match with Preston and then my inevitable fightin party with FRAKUS as my version of Shepard’s suicide mission from the end of Mass Effect 2.
See I know how it is supposed to go, I know how everybody thinks it is going to go. The WannaBangOHHHHHH is my Normandy and it is the best ship in the fleet. Pierre, you are Mordin Solis, you are a Salarian genius and nobody expects you to put a lazer shot right between their peepers but when you do they know you mean business. GOAT is like any of the Krogan’s, I am going to go with Urndnot Wrex. He is tough around the edges and hard as nails but deep down he just wants what is best for his people.
And P-Mont, P-Mont is my Garrus Vakarian, my Turian runnin buddy, The Snowman to my Bandit. Misguided but knows deep down there has to be a better way. And right now he is in trouble and I am the only one who can save him.
Thomas, you realize for the last five minutes I have had zero clue as to what you are rambling on about.
For sure P, I know you are a Witcher man yourself.
I mean it is a superior game in story and gameplay.
Bite your tongue Mordin. And get ready because we are heading to the Collector homeworld and most think it is a one-way trip. And for a normal crew they would be absolutely right.
But what they don’t know is that our crew is anything but normal.
And they are going to remember that I’m Commander Shephard and Tommy Kain is my favorite wrestler on the Citadel.