Diary Entry #2 - Empire State of Mind - GOAT / CHAMP
Jun 16, 2021 18:54:41 GMT -5
Miss Michelle, Vhodka Marie, and 3 more like this
Post by Paul Montuori on Jun 16, 2021 18:54:41 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
What a crazy couple of weeks it’s been. I was riding high. Having just won the OPW Southern Championship in Tokyo. At the big PPV. Well, sort of won. VooDoo came out and offered up a little assistance, but that’s not my fault. Nobody told Vhodka to be a homewrecker. Of all the men in the world, she had to fuck with Voo’s man. Now that relationship is all fucked up. Messy.. And I’m sort of, kinda having to share the championship with Tommy Kain. As evident during Showcase 31. TK had to come out and ruin my celebration. He had to cut my celebration short. But TK means well, that little fuck Pierre doesn’t though. I see right through those beady, little eyes. But come on bruh, it was my crowning moment. Paul Montuori, a Champ again, a Big Dog, after all these years away from the business. I STILL HAD IT Even though some people think I’m all ‘dick jokes.’ Pft.. Then you add Dane Preston’s hating ass and Showcase 31 wasn’t the night I thought it was going to be. Seriously though, it’s not my fault Dane let Joe take his girl. Should’ve stepped his game up. Instead he had to take his frustrations out on me.
But I can’t forget about thee craziest of it all, Paul Montuori has a kid. A tween girl. Product of some nasty nights with a Miss Machelle. Not to be confused with Miss Michelle, who’s obviously so madly in love with me it’s kind of.. Cute. But after her divorce, she needs to work on her. Stop being so dependent on men. Plus I got my eyes on a fatter booty.. So after the revelation that I was a father, I flew Kid.. That’s her new nickname, Kid. I’ll explain later. Or maybe I won’t, who cares?
I flew Kid back to the Hills of Hollywood to live with me. It was weird as fuck. We got more stares than Alexis Hunter at a pool party. Or any party. Or anywhere. Kind of like me. What can I say? We’re pretty as fuck.. Even weirder moving her into my house. I’ve never lived with anyone, let alone a girl. Let alone a young ass girl who’s my daughter. I had to take the sex swing down in the bedroom. Didn’t want her to see it. But I don’t know if I didn’t want her to see it because it was a sex swing, or I was so embarrassed by how dusty it was. Chains were rusted to hell. It looked like Charlotte’s Web. Been the worst drought since the summer of 2005..
The first couple of days were.. Weird and awkward. What do I know about entertaining a kid? Let alone a girl I don’t know. And she’s in my house. I like to walk around au naturel sometimes. I like to hotbox the theater room. I like to get hammered and bet on where I’m going to wake up. I tried to sleep for most of it. Taking off straight after the match and jumping on an international flight was a bad move. My body hated me.. Poor girl. She must’ve felt so lonely. Alone in a strange dood’s house, across the country from everything you know. And the asshole is locked up in his bedroom. What can I say? Some people deal with issues differently.. Lucky for both of us we had Lupita. She’s the best, worth every fucking penny. Kept her occupied while I recuperated. I also called OPW not long after getting back to LA and asked for the week after the big PPV off. No way I could go back on the road so fast. I finally had to be a grownup, handle some responsibility like an adult. I had to somehow make this work. Even though she found me incredibly annoying, always rolling her eyes at everything I say. Doesn’t she realize I’m a Champ? How dare she. What has she done? Won a Spelling Bee? Pft..
That’s mean. Not her fault she’s spent her whole life with Machelle. No one to look up to, no role model to try and be like. Kid’s got my DNA, no way in hell she doesn’t grow up to be a badass. Ol’ Poppa Paulie is gonna fix that soon enough.. Soon as we get past this awkwardness of a complete stranger being given custody of a kid. She’s slowly coming along though. Slowly starting to open up a little bit. Kids like me. But not in a ‘Catch A Predator” kinda way. Piggie Smalls came in clutch too. A huge fucking icebreaker the first time we met. Helped break the ice. Didn’t I just say that?
Which brings us to the day my world changed even more. A regular morning. I decided to give Lupita the morning off and cook breakfast myself. I got skills in the kitchen. No throwing stuff into the microwave like an animal. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
“Where’s the squeeze bottle?” Kid asks from inside the pantry.
“Squeeze bottle?”
“Yeah,” she says as she comes out of the pantry. “Squeeze bottle for pancakes.”
“Blasphemy! You don’t cook pancakes out of a squeeze bottle. Only Communists, Texans and heathens do that. Let me show you how it’s done,” I say as she rolls her eyes. See! Rude..
Just then the doorbell rings. Who in tarnations could be at my door this early? It can’t be good.
I slowly open the door, expecting the worst. Standing in front of me is a lady in a bad business suit, holding a clipboard and paperwork. Next to her is LAPD’s finest.
“Good morning. Are you Paul Montuori?” The lady asks me. She knows it’s me, why waste my time. If she wants to waste some time, she’s fucking with the wrong dood.
“Who wants to know?” That’ll show her.
“My name is Mrs. Weiss with the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Families. May we come in?”
I know she’s not really asking. If she was, she wouldn’t have brought the cop. I’ve been a part of these calls before. Back when ol’ Papa Montuori would have a little too much brandy. Get all tough..
“Sure, come on in,” I say, stepping aside and opening the door wider.
They step in. I instantly see them start to judge. Mrs. Weiss, scribbling some bullshit on some paper. Judgy eyes as they see my shrine to myself. Look of disgust that comes over her eyes as she sees my AVN Awards. Hey, she’s lucky I took down the poster from ‘El Diablo Con El Bicho Grande.’ My #1 Best Seller. I still get residual checks from that. Basically paid for this house.
“So, how can I help you?” I know why she’s here. Kid.
“We received a report that there might be a child being abused here. Is there a child here, Mr. Montuori?”
“There sure is,” I say. I don’t know why they always ask. “Kid! Some lady wants to talk to you!”
I look over at her and smile. She starts scribbling again. Kid comes around the corner, holding Piggie Smalls.
“Yeah?”
“This lady is uh.. Miss..” I know her name. But fuck her. I’m tryna make pancakes like a responsible adult.
“Mrs. Weiss.”
“Yeah, Mrs. Weiss. And she wants to talk to you.”
“Is there any place I could speak to her in private?”
“Pick a room,” I say, all cool and shit. I got multiple rooms. I’m dope as fuck..
They walk out of the room as I get to making pancakes. But not that squeeze bottle, serial killer shit. Like a real human. Like someone that cares about the person eating the pancake. They wouldn’t just grab a cup of water and dump it into the mix. Try and make some watery ass shit.. I can sense the damn cop hovering, catching glimpses of him in my peripherals, staring at me like he wants a piece.
“Bruh, may I help you?” I finally blurt out. I startled the poor fella. He stutters for a few moments.
“I’m just a fan,” he says. Then it all becomes clear. Another fanboy. Wrestling or Monty Python? Please say wrestling.. “I loved you in..”
Fuck. Monty Python fan boy.. I can’t be rude. It’s a fucking cop. But he’s licking his fucking chops. LIke a creep. I’m used to it. Sort of.. Usually middle-aged women with husbands who work long hours are the ones that typically drool over the Monty Python. I can’t say I blame them. I’m sexy as fuck..
“Would you take a picture?” I look over to see the poor cop staring at me with puppy dog eyes. I’m supposed to be the good guy now. This guy comes into my house on some bullshit and then eyes me down like a piece of meat and Paul Montuori is supposed to be the good guy. Fucking Twilight Zone.
“Yeah sure. But watch your hands.”
He laughs nervously, yeah I know his grab assy type. First chance he would’ve got he would’ve tried to go in for a handful. Front or back is the real question. Pft, no it’s not.. I lean in and smile my gorgeous smile. Right as I hear the click of the camera, the fucker turns and kisses me on the cheek. Cheeky bastard.
“Alright, alright,” I say, pushing him away. He didn’t seem that he’d be that bold. I go back to cooking some banging flapjacks as he plays with his phone. He’s probably showing the world he met Thee Champ. Good for him, I made his life. “You want a pancake?"
"No I'm fine," he says. I had to ask. Like a good host. Lucky for both of us, Kid comes back in followed by Mrs. Weiss who looks none too pleased.
“Excuse me, miss, but we are not through,” Mrs. Weiss says. I can see her knuckles white from gripping her pen. Boy does she look pissed.
“What seems to be the problem?” I say, all nice as fuck. When people are pissed, the last thing they hate is someone being polite to them.
“Your, daughter here said some very crude and rude things.”
“Did she now? That doesn’t seem like her,” that definitely seems like her. I asked her to brush her teeth and she made me cry by being pretty mean. Punked out by a little girl. Only other chick that punks me like that is Michelle. Fucking bitch..
“We’re not through young lady. I still have..”
“I don’t have anything else to say. I’m fine, I’m safe. And this is a way nicer house than my mom’s place.” I knew she fucking liked the crib. I asked her directly and she said it was ‘Just OK.’ What a liar.
“You heard her. Scram see.” Finally got to tell someone to scram see. Check that off the Bucket List. That was awesome.. Mrs. Weiss looks like she’s going to put up a fight before stopping.
“You know what, you’re right. This house is 100 times nicer than what I usually see. And you seem to be well enough to have an attitude. If you need anything, you have my number. Let’s go Officer.”
I lead them out of the house and wave to the lady with a huge smile on my face. Obnoxious as fuck. That’s when I see the neighbors gathered down at the end of my driveway. I walk out and start waving to them too. They don’t have the cajones to wave back. They suddenly divert their eyes and gossip amongst themselves. Fuck them. Fuck them and their judgement. Fuckers are probably the ones that called DCF on me. Moments like this have been happening since I picked her up from my lawyer’s office. Being in the spotlight has its disadvantages. People’s pre-conceived notions of you are hard to overcome. The side eyes, the hush tones. It’s expected living in Hollywood, even worse when you’re Paul Montuori suddenly walking around with a tween. But even worse when dealing with my neighbors. The stories they probably have of living next door to me..
I walk back into the house and flip some jacks. When everything suddenly begins to get worse..
“I want to see my grandparents,” she blurts out.
“OK. We can like, drive to see them I guess. Where do they live? Santa Barbara? Long Beach?”
“New Jersey.”
“Jersey?!” Of all places, that fucking shithole. Gawd I hate Jersey. Thee worst fucking creatures, always ruined my summers at the Jersey Shore as a kid. Fuckers.. “Maybe we can fly them out here?”
“They won’t come here.”
“Why not?”
“Because they don’t like you.”
“Don’t like me? I’ve never even met them.”
“That’s not what Pop Pop said. He said you came over drunk, hit on Nana, threw up in a vase and smoked in the living room.”
“Are you sure?” Kid nods her head with that face that says ‘Bitch, you know it was you!’ And she’s right. That sounds like something I would’ve done years ago. Shit, under the right circumstances it sounds like something I’d do now. “I mean, Jersey’s kind of far. And we just got back from the East Coast. Don’t make me get back there.”
“Take me to see my grandparents. I got rid of that lady. I could’ve lied and said you to..”
“And I guess we’re going back to the East Coast..”
Nope. Not even going down that road. Not opening those can of worms. Don’t MJ me.. So the discussion led down a further rabbit hole. After agreeing to fly back to Jersey for a ‘trip’, the conversation quickly escalated. She didn’t just want to see them for the weekend. She wanted to be able to visit them whenever the fuck she pleased. It comforted her knowing her grandparents were nearby, just in case. She tried plucking at my heartstrings, but I’m cooold as ice. Willing to sacrifice my love.. Like she’s the fucking boss of me. I’m the fucking Champ. I make the decisions. I’m the adult. I know what’s best..
So.. Looks like I’m moving back to the East Coast. Yeah, that’s right. Ol’ Paul Montuori is going back to the Big Apple, the City That Never Sleeps. Uh.. Gross. All because she’s lonely and misses her grandparents in New Jersey. Gross, even worse. So it was either move to Jersey, the Armpit of America, or New York City, where I spent the first 17 miserable years of my life. And since I already had a place in the city, passed onto me by my mother when she passed, it was a no brainer. Anything was better than living in Jersey. Or maybe it’s the worst idea in the world. I’ve never even seen it. Couldn’t bring myself to go there. For all I know it’s a dump, worse than Vhodka’s place. No way she’s giving her uh.. Vagina a good washing in that sink. I can only imagine the creatures of the night hanging out in that sna.. No. I’m better than that. VHODKA’S VAGINA DOES NOT SMELL LIKE FUNYUNS Plus I think that other chick’s does. I’m growing as an adult. I am responsible for another human being. My human being. Sort of. I am maturing..
Am I though?
I kid of course.. My publicist Shauna would kill me, she’s been working overtime trying to clean up my image. Made me retire from the adult entertainment industry. I even got a Lifetime Achievement Award at the AVN’s. I had to accept it with that damn lucha mask on though. Shauna thinks I might have a shot at being casted in the MCU. Didn’t think Disney would cast me if I was accepting awards for fucking on film.
Back to New York on a red eye we went. First Class all the way for the Champ Bay Bay, of course. Don’t have my own private jet like Joe and the Wolf’s. Wolves. Wolfses? Not yet at least.. So there I sat, on the plane. Kid fell asleep right away. Lucky. Usually I’m hammered by the time the place takes off. Only way to fly. But I couldn’t get sloppy in front of her. At least not yet. Flight attendant brings me a double vodka pineapple with a splash of cran and a beer. I had to tip her a hundo to let me double fist. Hater.. With nothing else to occupy my time I put on the latest Showcase. They’ve been putting on quality shows lately. Or so I’ve heard..
Of course they open with the recap of yours truly coming out looking majestic as fuck on that elephant. Why wouldn’t they open the show with me? I’m ratings gold. PAUL MONTUORI = RATINGS And I guess the rest of Focus too. But definitely me. Me, me, me.. And there’s Kal, hating like always. Acting like he doesn’t remember my name. Keep trying to act cool Kal, no one’s buying it.. And there it is. Austin Ramsey, huh? Alright, I ain’t ever scared like Bonecrusher. Bring on the challenge.. Damn, Michelle really hating on TK. Gonna be fun to watch those two go at it. And she’s right. There can’t be two Champs.. Apathy? Really, again? Wait.. Did Strat just.. Let me rewind that right quick. Did he just quit Focus? On national TV? Ha, the fucker actually did it. He wasn’t all talk after all. So wait, who’s even left?
My mind can’t stop racing, so many thoughts. So much has fucking changed than two hours ago. And we’re only over Kansas. Or Oklahoma. What’s the difference? That entire area is basura. I have to unload. That sounded weird.. I grab my phone and two drinks and head into the cramped bathroom. I set the phone up just right to capture my beauty and hit record.
This is a first for me. Cutting a promo from inside the bathroom. In an airplane that is. I’m sure years ago I thought it’d be cool to talk shit while in a bathtub full of bubbles and females. On some Scarface shit. That's okay! She'll be back. Another Quaalude, she'll love me in the morning.. Now everything’s changed. Geezus, Strat quit Focus. The Champ Champ dipped. Not a goodbye, a hug. Just up and left us. Right when we got all the gold again. Right when it seemed like we were starting to clique. We even just got rid of Johnny Stylez, destroying the Syndicate in the process. But I can’t say I blame him with the whole Demi thing. And the kid. Geezus does everyone have a kid now? I'LL MISS YOU STRAT
Finally saw my first show and was completely blown away by all the drama it had. There’s people debuting left and right. I probably won’t ever learn their names. With OPW ending, who knows if I’ll ever see them again. Plus I’m Champ now. Upper midcard. But you wouldn’t think it if you saw where I was on the card. P. Mont deserves more respect than that. The Southern Championship deserves more respect than that. And that’s the problem. Vhodka went and treated the title like a joke. But not anymore. Ol’ Paul Montuori is going to bring prestige ba.. Fuck, isn’t this the last OPW show? Thanks a lot Vhodka! You gave me a fucking piece of tin for a title. Damn her, she’s foiled my plans again!
I’m sure everyone wants to know where I stand with Focus and TK. Joe’s Focus. And Joe’s my brother. That’s pretty much it. And honestly, who’s still left? Champ Champ is gone. No one’s heard from Killa Cam in months. Michelle I guess was kicked out slash she left? Moore’s on another plane of existence. Is that everyone? Then you got Joe, he’s madly in love. Him and Allie are going to have a great marriage, I can tell. And everyone knows I’m a great judge in character. Like Tommy Kain, we’re cool. GOAT brought us together. Yet he drove Dub Dub apart. Sort of a catch deuce deuce. But B was going down a dark path. I like to keep it light. Happy. B was starting to scare me. Making me start to see things that no one should ever have to see. Throw the drugs in, and I started having trouble deciphering between my imagination and reality whenever I was with him. B’s my boy though, DUB DUB FOR LIFE But we started to be on two different spectrums. We’re evolving.. TK is fun and doesn’t take himself too seriously in a business where everyone takes themselves entirely too seriously. It was a nobrainer the two of us were eventually going to hit it off. But it’s crazy to think that he’s would break Focus up..
Alas, we must look towards the future is Showcase #33, Super Showcase! The last Showcase ever! And it’s only fitting that my last match with OPW would be against Apathy. I mean, fuck, I don’t think I’ve faced anyone as much as I faced her. Bruh my first like three matches without the hood was against Apathy and the Cure. All of which I think I won? Does it even matter? I’ve continued to ascend to my rightful place on the top. And somehow, the Cure is still a thing? Except, it’s not the same Cure as before right? Like, that dood Scotty Adams is no longer in it. But this kat that looks exactly like him but with a mask on, is in it. Weird shit. Goes by the name of Korrupt. But not the Kurupt from the Dogg Pound. Trust me, I made that mistake the first time I saw him. He didn’t take too lightly to me singing to him. Ain’t no fuuuunn if the homies can’t haaaaave none. He’s kind of creepy though. Which you would have to be to run with the likes of Apathy. She still has her little lap dog Eoin with her. The Irish Lass right? Isn’t he Irish? With a name like Eoin I’d think he would be. Wait, didn’t she fuck Eoin’s brother in an alley with Eoin watching? Who knew those Irish were so nonchalant about sex. I should’ve been gone to Ireland.. Then you got everyone’s favorite wrestling Crocadily, Sebastian Kabesh. Glad to see that guy made it out of the sewer and up above ground. Bruh! I wonder if Apathy fucked him too! I mean, hasn’t she banged everyone else in the Cure I think it’s like their initiation ritual. They have to last with Apathy in order to get in. Fucked in. And no! I’m not slut shaming, or whatever it’s called. I’m simply pointing out that Apathy is promiscuous so the chances that she fucked a human alligator who also happens to be in the same group as her has to be good. Better chances than ol’ P. Mont ever getting laid again..
I mean come on, Apathy is still out there, painting the town red. Did anyone catch her last joint? Dear lord. Can’t really talk any shit because I’d die to uh.. Get some sloppy toppy like that. She went to town on buddy. Swallowed him whole like Garfield eating a fish. Blaaaah, went to town on Eoin. Her poor tonsils must’ve been so sore after that. By her enthusiasm, she must really love the Irish. Good for him. Good for you Eoin. Get that dicked sucked homie! But bruh.. Uh.. Someone should’ve told you that uh.. Here in America, we don’t lick our own uh.. Just gross. And no.. Eoin, buddy, if you’re watching this, that’s just nasty.. I know, I know, it’s not my place. It’s their sex life. And if Eoin wants to eat his own.. Gross.. Then he has that right. Right? But fuck that, they put that shit on for everyone to see. As Champ I’m going to petition to have a disclaimer come on before Apathy swallows dick. What if I was watching with Kid? Wow, have I become a Karen? Ol’ P. Mont probably would’ve jerked off to Apathy sucking some mean dick. I would’ve tried to hop in next in the rotation. Instead I’m here contemplating who I have to call to get that shit thrown off TV. Who am I?
Back around again. Apathy. Again. But this time fighting for a different championship. My Championship. Well, mine and TK’s, but that doesn’t mat.. My fucking Championship. I worked hard to get this belt. Well, sort of, not really.. Harder than I needed to. I sweated a little and shed a little blood. I really didn’t cry though. Probably too dehydrated. I really should drink more water.. As such as water, Apathy believes she will rise again like the tide.. I really should try and stay away from the word play. Not really my style.. Wasn’t the last time I battled Apathy I beat that ass for the Tag Team gold. Dub Dub Bay Bay. Wow, I haven't said that in a while. I wonder if B misses me? I know Apathy is probably looking at this match like redemption. Title shot at one of the greatest to ever do it on the very last show in OPW. Great fucking way to go out with a bang. Great exposure for other promotions to see you in such a high profile match. Raise your stock level. Who knows what’s after OPW, so this is her last chance to make a name for herself. Well your fucking welcome Apathy. Stepping in the ring with me instantly brings you up a level. But girl, you ain’t winning the big one. Not in DC. Not against me sweetie..
Which pretty much sums up the same thing for Austin Ramsey. Just another opportunity for someone to make a name for themselves off the name of Paul Montuori. Not that I blame Austin, or Apathy. I’d do the same thing if I was in their position. Try and take advantage of the opportunity, of the spotlight. Because no matter where I’m at the on the card, that’s the fucking match of the night. That’s where all eyes are on. Fuck the Real Housewives of OPW Match. Fuck the Strat vs a Wolf for the millionth fucking time. I’m going to steal the show. Because it’s all about me, bay bay.. Fuck, what about Kid.. It’s always about me and Kid, bay bay..
Austin Ramsey, recently engaged to Todrick himself. And for that, I’m gonna give you a pass on the badmouthing and the slandering. I won’t read you today. Todrick’s a good dood. So I’ll excuse myself from calling you a dusty ho, which is what I’ve heard people call you. Not me personally, I would never call someone a dusty ho. Except for Blair Buchanan. But everyone knows she’s a dusty ho. Trying to call out the Monty Python on Twitta, bitch please. She tried to use Paul Montuori as a way to stay relevant. Lucky for both of us she got booted slash left OPW or I would’ve 100% fell into her trap. Have you seen her ass? What can I say? I’m a sucker for booty. Todrick gotta nice booty. But ya got no worries Austin, your relationship is safe.. And I won’t bring up all the gossip from the Life here. Because, well, it’s just gossip right?
I know ya got high hopes of beating me. Probably envisioning what your life and career is going to be after beating a GOAT like me. But it’s not going to happen. It’s cute that you’re so optimistic about it though. All rah rah. And I hope you losing doesn’t sway your opinion on inviting me to your wedding. Trust me, I’m a great wedding guest. I dance with the old ladies and the fattys. I share stories with the old guys. And seeing as there’s no bridesmaids, you don’t have to worry about me banging one. Wait, will there be bridesmaids? It doesn’t matter. Paul Montuori needs to be added to that guestlist. You’ve never seen someone Cha Cha Slide like me before. Two hops this time. Everybody clap your hands..
This match is going to be one for the ages. A classic in the making. Possibly the last time Paul Montuori is seen in a ring again. Life’s changing and OPW is closing. I spent my entire career being a dick and now I’m not too sure where I go after this. I’m pretty sure I burned all the bridges.. Ha, who am I fooling? I’m Paul Montuori, people are lining up to see the Champ. So much, in fact, that I’m a guest referee in the grudge match of the century. Dane Preston’s ho ass stepping in with my brother, Joe Montuori. And while Dane put his hands on me, blindsiding me at Showcase, I am going to call the match right down the middle. He’s gotta receipt coming his way. Joe’s going to handle business at the final OPW Show. And I’ll be there to make sure it’s done fairly and by the rules. I’m a Montuori, we don’t cheat. This is going to be a match with no shenanigans from me. Everyone can expect a clean match with a righteous outcome. Tune in. Last OPW Show. P. Mont defending his OPW Southern Championship against Apathy and Austin Ramsey. Then you get to see P. Mont referee a match with the hottest feud going right now, Dane Preston and Joe Montuori. Live at Super Showcase, Monday June 21st on HBO..
That was that. I headed back to my seat. And throughout the rest of the flight, I drank and only had one thing left on my mind. I wonder what the theme of Joe and Allie’s wedding is going to be? Will they rush and have a summer wedding? A fall would be dope, with the foliage and pumpkins. Joe’s too classy for that though, he’s gotta have diamonds and uh.. Whatever else people think is rich rich.. Landing in New York, I knew I wouldn’t be meeting the property manager until after Showcase, so I checked Kid and I into a fancy hotel. I was showing off again. Blowing way too much money for a night’s stay just to impress her. I remember when I used to couch surf town to town, depending on where we were. It wasn’t until Vhodka started talking shit that I started flying back home. Just so everyone could see the badass house I paid for and never lived in..
Thinking it was a grand idea, we hit the town. Shopping spree. This poor girl has been dressing drab this entire time. I couldn’t have her be seen with me. Oh no honey, not on my watch. Except, she completely hated anything I suggested or picked out. Most of the time she laughs at me. Am I getting old? No, it can’t be that. I’m just not a girl. Guys dress differently right? Has to be that. Michelle. She’s a girl. She’s got nothing else going on. And I think she’s in New York. Sure she needs some culture after living in St. Louis with B. Geez that place was awful. Those creepy chicks in chains on the porch. I still get the heebie jeebies from that.
“Hello?”
“What Paul?” Why does she always sound so annoyed when she hears my voice? She knows damn well I’m the best thing going in her life AND career right now. Without me, pft.
“Are you in New York?” I know she is. She likes to come to New York a couple of days before a show if it’s on the East Coast. Get used to the time difference.
“You know I am.”
“Waddya doing?”
“Shopping.” Duh. Probably out spending B’s money before his lawyers have the chance to cut her off.
“Perfect. Where are you?”
“Saks.”
“Perfect. Meet me outside in 10.”
“No, Paul..”
You never give them enough time to talk you out of their brilliant idea. Hang up as fast as you can. It’s how I got signed to OPW.. So we jetted to 5th Ave. As I knew she would, Michelle was outside waiting.
“Michelle, amiga..”
“What?”
“I need your help. Well Kid needs your help.”
“Kid? Ew, please don’t tell me you call her that.”
“What? It’s a cool nickname.”
“It’s really not,” Michelle says, shaking her head disapprovingly.
“She likes it.”
“I don’t like it.”
“Why haven’t you said.. It doesn’t matter. Maddy doesn’t like my style. I think she needs a females touch. You mind helping her buy some stuff?”
“Not at all.”
“Awesome. If you need me, I’ll be across the street at the Rainbow Room.” I turn to leave, ready to get my drink on..
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
I turn around to see Kid with her hand out. She’s definitely a spawn of Machelle. I reach into my pocket and pull out a stack, slapping it in her hand. I then hear Michelle clear her throat as I look to see her hand out. I pull out another from the other pocket and slap it in Michelle’s hand.
“Why are you carrying around so much money?”
“How else would people know I have it? Ladies have fun,” I turn and bolt before Michelle can change her mind. I made my way across the street and into Rockefeller Center. Damn I wish I had my belt. Kid.. Maddy.. I need to find a better name.. She wouldn’t let me leave the hotel with the belt. Said it was embarrassing. She was fucking embarrassed to be seen with me.. The Champ. How absurd of a notion. She should be honored that I allow her in my presence. I’m the man. The true GOAT, fuck what you heard.
“Excuse me sir, may I help you?”
I suddenly stop in my tracks. I’m already at the host stand for the Rainbow Room. Some guy in a funny suit has stepped in my way. Damn, got so distracted by my awesomeness I didn’t even realize I was already here.
“I’m going to the bar.”
“Sorry sir, but this establishment requires jackets,” he says. Jackets? It’s not even cold. He notices the confused look on my face and tugs at the lapel on his suit jacket.
“Oh yeah, I don’t have one. It’s no big deal, I’m just going to the bar.”
“Again I apologize sir but jackets are required.”
“Uh.. Fine,” I say, disappointingly. I don’t know if I’m more disappointed that I can’t get in or that I gave up that easy. I turn and walk away. For some reason I duck into a bathroom. No idea why. I wash my hands and fix my beautiful hair. I pull some Mentos out of my pocket and eat one. That’s when I see the suit jacket hanging up on a stall behind me. Jackpot. I sneak up to it and snatch it. I hear someone screaming as I bolt out of the bathroom. The jacket barely fits me. But fuck it. Guy never said it had to fit.
I strut passed the host. We lock as he goes to yell at me before seeing the coat I’m wearing. He begins to laugh and point at me while I laugh and point back to him while popping another Mentos. He goes back to helping a patron as I walk up to the bar and slide onto a barstool.
“Lemme get a shot of tequila and a beer. None of that cheap shit,” I say. Nothing worse than.. What am I doing? “Barkeep, scratch that. Do you have any juice?”
He shoots me a weird look and hands me a menu. Pages and pages..
“You sure?” He asks, looking confused as fuck. Yes I know, I’m a fucking drunk. I love booze. Why the fuck is this booze hound only ordering water? I don’t know, stop fucking asking. I can’t meet up Kid fucking wasting. Not yet at least. I have to ease her into that lifestyle, right? I passed out on the plane and sobered up by the time we landed. She hasn't seen that side of me yet. I should probably keep that side hidden as long as possible. There's some things that people should be eased into.
“Yeah I’m su..” I look up to see the bottle of water in front of me and the guy off tending bar. Oop. What kind of bartender is this? He’s supposed to listen to my fucking problems. Lend me a fucking ear. Wait, did I say any of this outloud? Fuck that, he should know. It’s his job to know. Know when to keep the damn drinks coming. Know when their damn customers need to drown their sorrows..
“Paul Montuori.”
I look up to see the fine ass Alexis Hunter. I stand up, lean in for the kiss on the cheek and make sure my hand linger a few extra seconds on her hip.
“Alexis Hunter, fancy seeing you here,” I say, trying to sound smooth as fuck. “How’ve you been?”
“Well well, if it isn’t the champ. I’ve been good but I know your night just got a whole lot better. I missed seeing you, and I don’t like that. When did you get back?”
“Flew in this morning. Red eye from LA. You live in the city?”
“I’m back and forth between Atlanta and the Upper West Side.”
“That’s dope. I gotta place up in Tribeca. Or at least I think I do. I haven’t checked it out yet.”
“Well love, unfortunately I have to go, I have a meeting with some investors. We should definitely spend some time getting acquainted.”
“I gotta go to DC for a show, I’ll hit you up when I get back.”
“You never know, I may just take you up on your offer and meet you in DC. I want to watch how you move up close and personal.”
“Yeah for sure. I’ll get with you and work out the details.”
I lean in again for the kiss on the cheek, she smells good. That’s always a good sign. I watch as she walks away, mesmerized before realizing I probably look like a creep. I turn back around in the stool and sure enough, the bartender is staring me down with judgy eyes. Now you wanna be observant. Ya fuck. I sit and have my water. Sitting at a bar isn’t as fun when you’re not drinking. Who would do this sober? Doesn’t make sense. I’m getting hammered as soon as I drop her off. Time to get loose bay bay!
“Who was that?” I hear Kid say. I turn around. And there she is with bags in her hands, standing next to Michelle.
“Who was who?” I say. Like I don’t know who she’s talking about.
“You know who that is. That’s Alexis Hunter. And she’s trouble.”
“She’s not trouble. And she’s just a friend of mine. You guys hungry?”
“I can eat,” Michelle says.
“Alright, Ki.. Madison’s pick.” Might as well let her pick a good place to eat before she goes to Jersey with her parents for the weekend. Back to the shitty existence that is New Jersey. There’s no way am I taking her to DC.
“I heard about this vegan place around the corner.”
“Great.. Vegan it is.”
Yuck..
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Oh, Kid’s nickname. To be completely honest, I forgot her name. So I started calling her Kid. Eventually I had her fill out some fake form just so I didn’t have to ask her.. She’s lucky though, she almost became Hey Girl but I didn’t wanna be all sexist. Hashtag me too bay bay..
Stupid fucking story right? Waddya want me from? I suppose this happens when you don’t tell dick jokes. I can’t come up with gold all the time.
I’M ONLY HUMAN DAMMIT!