Post by Handsome Barney on Aug 2, 2020 8:26:44 GMT -5
Black screen. Green text appears.
“Outlaw Pro Wrestling, the rising force of professional wrestling. The place where innovation and excellence merge. This proud federation has attracted some of the most famous, most talented, most handsome and beautiful wrestlers in the world…”
The scene cuts to a slightly overweight male chest. Smacking of lips can be heard just off camera. Suddenly, a huge wad of a half-eaten slice of pizza falls from the top of the screen and lands on a hairy man-teet. Some greasy fingers sloppily reach around in search of the lost food. Eventually, they find their target and the wad of dough, cheese grease sauce and pepperoni is scraped against the bristles of unsightly chest hair and pulled back up out of screen. This is followed by more of the terrible moist chewing sound. The scene then returns to the black screen.
“This is not one of them”
A loud belch is heard as the above words fade out in favor of the below:
“The Ugly Truth – The Ballad of Mrs. Bentley’s Handsome Manboy”
The scene fades into an establishing shot of a run-down brick rowhome. The words “Dundalk Maryland” appear for a few seconds and disappear. The scene then cuts inside of the home and reveals an older man and woman standing at the end of a hallway. They whisper to each other.
Old Man: He has to know. Go get him Doris.
Old Lady: You get him! I’m not going in that pigsty of a room. And I’m sure as hell not waking him up.
Old Man: He’s not sleeping! He’s probably getting blown by his inflatable girlfriend!
Old Lady: Not my handsome boy! He wouldn’t have to resort to that.
Old Man: Of course, dear. Head downstairs. We’ll be down in a minute.
The old lady walks downstairs. The old man looks apprehensive as he walks to the end of the hallway. He shudders as he hears Depeche Mode blaring from in the room. The old man knocks on the door. After a few moments he knocks louder. Still nothing. He lets out a sigh as he kicks open the door. We are exposed to a bedroom littered with trash, empty pizza boxes, and wadded up toilet paper. There seems to be a mass of humanity under the blanket covering the bed.
Old Man: Get the hell up Barney! It’s…..
The old man is interrupted by someone sticking their head up from the covers. But it’s not Barney, but the inflatable doll referenced earlier, complete with “O” face! The head swings back and forth as a girly man voice emanates from beneath the covers.
Inflatable Doll: HEY! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK!?!
Old Man: God Damn insolent little shit!
The Old man yanks the blanket off from the bed, and Barney’s naked body which is glistening with sweat. His face is blurred out and thankfully, so is his midsection. The scene cuts out.
The scene opens up in the living room of the same house. The old man and old lady sit on a couch. Barney is sitting across from them on a folding chair. He is wearing gray sweatpants, and a flannel shirt, which regrettably, has not been buttoned up. He sizable gut his hanging out. He is wearing his wrestling mask.
Dad: Son, why are you wearing your wrestling mask?
Barney points directly into the camera and speaks in his normal voice a mix of husk and rasp, with a tinge of lisp.
Barney: You got us on camera Daddy! That means I have to hide my face.
Mom: You don’t have to hide your face. You’re mama’s handsome man.
Barney: I know Mom, but the world is not ready to handle my handsomeness. It would distract all from my uncanny fighting abilities.
Dad: Well speaking of fighting, the reason we disturbed you during you, erm, private time, is that Mr. Grimes from DWA called, you’re not welcome back.
Barney shoots to his feet and flips the chair he was sitting in over. Mom shrieks as Chester, the family cat darts through the room and up the stairs.
Barney: THAT’S HORESHIT! I’m the best wrestler this town has ever seen!
Mom: Settle down dear.
Dad: Come now Barney. You knew this was coming. You choked the promoter out with a microphone cable!
Barney: He refused to pay any of the boys! He kept the gate and merch sales for himself! He’s a slimy shit crud bucket! How in the hell are we going to get out of this shithole if I’m not paid?
Dad: Now Barney, you have a good job at the wastewater treatment facility. We both do!
Barney: TO HELL WITH THAT SHIT PLANT! I’m a great wrestler! We deserve so much better.
Dad: That plant’s our livelihood….
Barney: And we’re living in a dump! I will get us better! We deserve better!
Dad: I know you will son. That’s why I’m filming this, so I can send this to bigger and better promotions, and you might get your big break.
Barney grabs the chair and repositions it. He ponders this. He then speaks.
Barney: I appreciate that Pop. But this isn’t the video you need to send out. Just send them the videos from my DWA career. Sure…. It’s a tiny federation ran out of a middle school gym, but talent is talent, and I was the best they had. I ran circles around guys and gals half my size and I won every championship that place had to offer. But most importantly, I entertained the fans. I was a wrestler they could relate to. My cause was one they could get behind…..
Mom: You also got have the most disqualifications in federation history. That’s good right?
Dad/Barney : NO!/YES!
Barney stands up again and paces the room.
Barney: I’m done with the local scene. It’s time for the Handsome man to go GLOBAL. Feast your eyes upon this marvelous mountain of man, because I’m going straight to the top. Then I’m going to get my parents out of this God-forsaken place and buy a used Pontiac Firebird!
The scene fades to a black screen with the following text:
“For booking inquiries because contact Barney at www.facebook.com/barneychesthair4sale
Fade to black
“Outlaw Pro Wrestling, the rising force of professional wrestling. The place where innovation and excellence merge. This proud federation has attracted some of the most famous, most talented, most handsome and beautiful wrestlers in the world…”
The scene cuts to a slightly overweight male chest. Smacking of lips can be heard just off camera. Suddenly, a huge wad of a half-eaten slice of pizza falls from the top of the screen and lands on a hairy man-teet. Some greasy fingers sloppily reach around in search of the lost food. Eventually, they find their target and the wad of dough, cheese grease sauce and pepperoni is scraped against the bristles of unsightly chest hair and pulled back up out of screen. This is followed by more of the terrible moist chewing sound. The scene then returns to the black screen.
“This is not one of them”
A loud belch is heard as the above words fade out in favor of the below:
“The Ugly Truth – The Ballad of Mrs. Bentley’s Handsome Manboy”
The scene fades into an establishing shot of a run-down brick rowhome. The words “Dundalk Maryland” appear for a few seconds and disappear. The scene then cuts inside of the home and reveals an older man and woman standing at the end of a hallway. They whisper to each other.
Old Man: He has to know. Go get him Doris.
Old Lady: You get him! I’m not going in that pigsty of a room. And I’m sure as hell not waking him up.
Old Man: He’s not sleeping! He’s probably getting blown by his inflatable girlfriend!
Old Lady: Not my handsome boy! He wouldn’t have to resort to that.
Old Man: Of course, dear. Head downstairs. We’ll be down in a minute.
The old lady walks downstairs. The old man looks apprehensive as he walks to the end of the hallway. He shudders as he hears Depeche Mode blaring from in the room. The old man knocks on the door. After a few moments he knocks louder. Still nothing. He lets out a sigh as he kicks open the door. We are exposed to a bedroom littered with trash, empty pizza boxes, and wadded up toilet paper. There seems to be a mass of humanity under the blanket covering the bed.
Old Man: Get the hell up Barney! It’s…..
The old man is interrupted by someone sticking their head up from the covers. But it’s not Barney, but the inflatable doll referenced earlier, complete with “O” face! The head swings back and forth as a girly man voice emanates from beneath the covers.
Inflatable Doll: HEY! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK!?!
Old Man: God Damn insolent little shit!
The Old man yanks the blanket off from the bed, and Barney’s naked body which is glistening with sweat. His face is blurred out and thankfully, so is his midsection. The scene cuts out.
The scene opens up in the living room of the same house. The old man and old lady sit on a couch. Barney is sitting across from them on a folding chair. He is wearing gray sweatpants, and a flannel shirt, which regrettably, has not been buttoned up. He sizable gut his hanging out. He is wearing his wrestling mask.
Dad: Son, why are you wearing your wrestling mask?
Barney points directly into the camera and speaks in his normal voice a mix of husk and rasp, with a tinge of lisp.
Barney: You got us on camera Daddy! That means I have to hide my face.
Mom: You don’t have to hide your face. You’re mama’s handsome man.
Barney: I know Mom, but the world is not ready to handle my handsomeness. It would distract all from my uncanny fighting abilities.
Dad: Well speaking of fighting, the reason we disturbed you during you, erm, private time, is that Mr. Grimes from DWA called, you’re not welcome back.
Barney shoots to his feet and flips the chair he was sitting in over. Mom shrieks as Chester, the family cat darts through the room and up the stairs.
Barney: THAT’S HORESHIT! I’m the best wrestler this town has ever seen!
Mom: Settle down dear.
Dad: Come now Barney. You knew this was coming. You choked the promoter out with a microphone cable!
Barney: He refused to pay any of the boys! He kept the gate and merch sales for himself! He’s a slimy shit crud bucket! How in the hell are we going to get out of this shithole if I’m not paid?
Dad: Now Barney, you have a good job at the wastewater treatment facility. We both do!
Barney: TO HELL WITH THAT SHIT PLANT! I’m a great wrestler! We deserve so much better.
Dad: That plant’s our livelihood….
Barney: And we’re living in a dump! I will get us better! We deserve better!
Dad: I know you will son. That’s why I’m filming this, so I can send this to bigger and better promotions, and you might get your big break.
Barney grabs the chair and repositions it. He ponders this. He then speaks.
Barney: I appreciate that Pop. But this isn’t the video you need to send out. Just send them the videos from my DWA career. Sure…. It’s a tiny federation ran out of a middle school gym, but talent is talent, and I was the best they had. I ran circles around guys and gals half my size and I won every championship that place had to offer. But most importantly, I entertained the fans. I was a wrestler they could relate to. My cause was one they could get behind…..
Mom: You also got have the most disqualifications in federation history. That’s good right?
Dad/Barney : NO!/YES!
Barney stands up again and paces the room.
Barney: I’m done with the local scene. It’s time for the Handsome man to go GLOBAL. Feast your eyes upon this marvelous mountain of man, because I’m going straight to the top. Then I’m going to get my parents out of this God-forsaken place and buy a used Pontiac Firebird!
The scene fades to a black screen with the following text:
“For booking inquiries because contact Barney at www.facebook.com/barneychesthair4sale
Fade to black