Post by Paul Montuori on Sept 17, 2020 21:11:25 GMT -5
INT. VAN – NIGHT TIME
We open up inside of a cargo van. Three men wearing bulletproof vests with ICE across their chest sit across from a camera man on benches on either side of the van. Two more men sit in the front, with one driving.
The agents laugh to themselves.
We open up inside of a cargo van. Three men wearing bulletproof vests with ICE across their chest sit across from a camera man on benches on either side of the van. Two more men sit in the front, with one driving.
CAMERA MAN
Alright, and we’re recording.. So tell us, what exactly is about to happen.
AGENT #1
Well, we have some intel of some illegals working at a taco stand in East Los Angeles. So we’re heading over to round up as many as we can find.
CAMERA MAN
And how exactly will you know who is here illegally and who’s a citizen?
AGENT #1
Oh you’ll know. Once they see these three letters on my here chest, they’ll scatter like roaches.
AGENT #3
Like little Mexican jumping roaches.
Alright, and we’re recording.. So tell us, what exactly is about to happen.
AGENT #1
Well, we have some intel of some illegals working at a taco stand in East Los Angeles. So we’re heading over to round up as many as we can find.
CAMERA MAN
And how exactly will you know who is here illegally and who’s a citizen?
AGENT #1
Oh you’ll know. Once they see these three letters on my here chest, they’ll scatter like roaches.
AGENT #3
Like little Mexican jumping roaches.
The agents laugh to themselves.
AGENT #4
(O.S.)
Two minutes.
AGENT #3
(pointing to AGENT #2)
This here is Larry’s first raid. We’re going to pop his Mexican cherry.
CAMERA MAN
(to AGENT #2)
Are you scared?
AGENT #2
Me? No, just anxious. I had some great training, and I know these guys have my back.
AGENT #4
It’s go time.
AGENT #1
Remember to stay close to us. Watch your ass..
VOICE
(O.S.)
La migra! La migra!
AGENT #1
(to AGENT #2)
Stay here..
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Aye Dios mio, clean up in the men’s bathroom. And you might need to bring a plunger.
AGENT #2
(yelling)
ICE, get on the ground!
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Whoa muchacho. I’m an American citizen. Take it easy alright.
AGENT #2
Get on the ground now or I will tase you!
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
I am an American.. I was born in Lon..
AGENT #3
Holy shit, please tell me you got that on tape..
……
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
(O.S.)
Two minutes.
AGENT #3
(pointing to AGENT #2)
This here is Larry’s first raid. We’re going to pop his Mexican cherry.
CAMERA MAN
(to AGENT #2)
Are you scared?
AGENT #2
Me? No, just anxious. I had some great training, and I know these guys have my back.
AGENT #4
It’s go time.
AGENT #1
Remember to stay close to us. Watch your ass..
EXT. JUANITO’S TACO’S EL CAPITAN - CONTINUOUS
The van comes to a stop as the agents pile out of the van. Another van pulls next to them as more agents pile out.
The van comes to a stop as the agents pile out of the van. Another van pulls next to them as more agents pile out.
VOICE
(O.S.)
La migra! La migra!
Several people start to take off in different directions as agents chase them down. Agent 1, 2 & 3 go into the restaurant.
INT. JUANITO’S TACO’S EL CAPITAN - CONTINUOUS
Pots can be heard crashing as cooks in the kitchen take off running.
INT. JUANITO’S TACO’S EL CAPITAN - CONTINUOUS
Pots can be heard crashing as cooks in the kitchen take off running.
AGENT #1
(to AGENT #2)
Stay here..
Agent 1 & 3 run to the back leaving Agent 2 alone in the dining area. From the bathroom steps El Gran Luchador, oblivious to what is transpiring. Dressed in a colorful lucha mask, cowboy hat, cowboy boots and an Anicka Swan t-shirt with the sleeves cut-off, he swaggers wiping his hands on a paper towel.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Aye Dios mio, clean up in the men’s bathroom. And you might need to bring a plunger.
Agent 2 turns to El Gran Luchador and raises his taser.
AGENT #2
(yelling)
ICE, get on the ground!
El Gran Luchador raises his hands and walks slowly turns Agent 2.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Whoa muchacho. I’m an American citizen. Take it easy alright.
AGENT #2
Get on the ground now or I will tase you!
El Gran Luchador continues to walk towards Agent 2 with his hands raised.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
I am an American.. I was born in Lon..
Agent 2 unloads the taser into El Gran Luchador, who drops to the ground, writhing. Agent 1 & 3 come back into the dining area, with a Hispanic Male #1 detained.
AGENT #3
Holy shit, please tell me you got that on tape..
……
INT. VAN – NIGHT TIME
El Gran Luchador sits slumped over onto Hispanic Male #1. Two more Hispanic men and an Asian man sit in the van, along with the three agents. The van hits a bump, waking El Gran Luchador.
El Gran Luchador sits slumped over onto Hispanic Male #1. Two more Hispanic men and an Asian man sit in the van, along with the three agents. The van hits a bump, waking El Gran Luchador.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
What the fuck?!
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
He looks around the van, trying to knock the cobwebs loose.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
ICE? I’m not a fucking immigrant. I’m an American citizen..
AGENT #3
Sure you are. I bet you’re all citizens huh?
HISPANIC MALE #1
Si, si!
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
I don’t know about this jalapeno smelling fuck, but I’m an American citizen. My name is P..
AGENT #3
Your name is what now?
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Buen venidos muchachos! Hola, ladies. El Gran Luchador is back. Back once again. Otra ves. But this time in the spotlight. This time in the main event. This time in the match that everyone wants to see. The Stairway to Heaven match, para Dios. Six uh.. Five uh.. Three bad hombres, a perrito and two mamacitas. All stepping into some contraption. No se the rules, no clue what how to win. Pero El Gran Luchador knows it is for the Immortal World Heavyweight Titulo. The championship. The main title. The title everyone has been waiting to see a REAL HOMBRE hold. A leyende. A legend of the ring. Not some Sloppy Sally who’s had her chocha handled by everyone in the business.
AGENT #3
What the hell are you talking about?
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
I’m talking about the Lass With The Ass. Ms. La Femme Nikita herself. La muchacha that holds the Championship, El Campeoneta herself Ms. Anick Swan. But it seems as though El Gran Luchador is not even a blip on her radar. Not even a speck of thought in that semen filled head of hers. Over and over, El Gran Luchador has done nothing, beat nobody, said nothing. The tape recorder stuck on repeat, between that puta and Wolfie Boy. But who says El Gran Luchador has done nothing? Who said El Gran Luchador has beat nobody and said nothing? For the identity, THE TRUE IDENTITY of El Gran Luchador has not been revealed. We all have a former vida, a former life we have come from. A former person we have left behind.. Well, most of us. Anicka, like Wolfie Boy, have refused to evolve, playing the old horny, bimbo who chases behind the Wolfie and Riggs Clans. Or not? El Gran Luchador does not know, cannot follow the vast family tree. Thing 1 and Thing 2? Tomato, potato..
AGENT #2
Sarge, I think we have a crazy one here. Better radio ahead to Psych..
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Well claro que si! Aren’t we all a little crazy? All one dildo short of a picnic basket? Of course, we are. And of course, Xavier Wolf is still running around pretending to be a doggy. Thee only dog in lucha libre.. Well, besides the million other spawn that have come from that family of Blacks and Phreeqs and Tweaks, who can keep track? El Gran Luchdaor needs a slide show to keep track. Do you know Power Point? No matter.. And that promo Wolfie released.. Aye Dios Mios! Such anger, such rage. After all these years, he’s still so angry, that Wolfie Boy. Still hurling insults through gritted teeth. The same song and dance. The same angry little boy.. But he’s not a boy. Not anymore. He’s been in this business long enough. Too long. The act has gotten old papito. How angry and bitter can he be with all of that supposed money that family has. He’s richer than the Riggs Clan. With the Wolf Compound in some hidden part of the world. The Phreeq Tower, broken down and moved to some undisclosed location. All the dinero he flaunts on television. The public persona of Xavier Wolf. It’s old papi. It’s boring. El Gran Luchador finds himself bored to tears of watching the ten million people in the Puppy Clan. Snooze fest papi. It’s time to give it up Wolfie Boy. That persona, it’s played out..
AGENT #3
Shut the fuck up Pedro or I’ll shut it for you.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Pedro? Have you not been paying attention? There’s no Pedro here. Only the best. The greatest. El MEJOR DEL MUNDO! Papicito, pero Anicka is not the only woman in the match. Pero what is happening with this word. Hashtag me too. Am I right or what muchachos? Another Femme in the match. Femme Icon, la senora Bella Muerte. A big, juicy woman, Apathy. No worries tho mamacita, El Gran Luchador does not discriminate. Whether it be in the ring or in the bedroom, El Gran Luchador is always up for a challenge. One night with this leyende of the ring and movie set, and you’ll ceiling with forever be stained.. With the natural juices of El Gran Luchador of course.. For he stands down for no challenge, ready to chop a big block down to size. El Gran Luchador is a carnivore, and is not afraid to chomp on some thick meat. As long as you’re not afraird to chomp on this thick meat.. You get it muchachos! A penis joke..
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Aye Dios Mio, the list is so long of people in this match. The Pinnacle of Purity? Que in the fuck does that even mean? Who would brag about being pure? What fun is it to be pure? Ask Anicka, she got the pure fucked out of her ages ago. And she turned out alright.. Err.. She’s a champion, that counts for something.. El muchacho Skeety Adams. You’re going to be in the ring with the wrong type of people. Especially if you’re trying to claim this, “Purity, I Love Jesus” type of vibe. Look at Wolfie Boy, he lost his purity when he ripped out his mother’s fallopian tubes at birth. That is one wild ma.. One wild old man.. It would be a shame to have your purity cherry popped, but if it has to happen, than El Gran Luchador is the man for the job. I’ve popped more cherry’s than uh.. Something that pops cherries..
HISPANIC MALE #1
Perate, tu eres El Gran Luchador!
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
What?! Fuck, of course I am. Where have you been? Keep up muchacho.. Mr. Business Man himself, Roger Wright. The new guy that’s fucking Anicka Swan? Do I have that right? I’m not caught up on the newest novelas, Days of Our Outlaw Wrestling. El Gran Luchador cannot keep up with all the latest gossip. I need it spelled out to me. By God, does anyone know Power Point?
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
So instead I must rely on my intellect to formulate my own opinions. But what a waste of brain power wasting it on these putos in the match. Who in their right mind would wife up Anicka Swan? Turning a ho into a housewife. Especially a housewife that loves watching El Gran Luchador’s movie. My cousin Hector hacked her computer and looked up her search history. She loves “El Gran Luchador, Rises Again.” She’s seen it more times than Roger Wright has gotten to get tested after a night out with his love. Is that even right tho? Are they together? Why else would his hija be talking about Anicka while holding a shell to he ear? The world is upside, the upside place. Hos are fucking hos. The world needs a REAL MAN like El Gran Luchador. A real man to..
AGENT #3
Enough! Shut the fuck up!
AGENT #1
Take it easy..
DISPATCHER
(O.S.)
Bravo One, this is dispatch, over..
AGENT #1
Dispatch, this is Bravo One over..
DISPATCHER
(O.S.) Bravo One, have you apprehended a man wearing a mask? Over..
AGENT #1
Uh.. Yes, that is correct.. Over..
DISPATCHER
Bravo One, you have a direct order to release him. Over..
AGENT #1
Release him? Over..
DISPATCHER
Bravo One, I repeat. Direct order to release him. We’ll see you back at HQ. Over and out..
AGENT #1
You heard dispatch. Pull over..
PRODUCER
Gentlemen, I’ll be taking Mr. Luchador from your custody now.
PRODUCER
His restraints..
Agent #1 begrudgingly cuts the tip ties around Luchador’s wrists.
PRODUCER
Let’s go..
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Stefanito Stratford, El Gran Luchador has not forgotten about you being in the match. How could he? We have become best amigos in recent weeks. Trabajando to take out the trash. La basura. But that ring is, for that title, for that opportunity is different. Makes this different. Makes this matter. Especially para El Gran Luchador. I’ve said nothing, done nothing. At Stairway to Heaven, I change all that. I’m coming to shock the world. To bring this place to its knees and beg El Gran Luchador para forgiveness. Stefanito, it’s nothing personal. Never is. Siempre business. Always.. And with that amigos, I leave you to ponder the words of wisdom El Gran Luchador has laid at your feet. What you do with it not is purely up to you..
AGENT #1
Alright, enough of this shit show. Turn the damn camera off.
AGENT #3
Sure you are. I bet you’re all citizens huh?
HISPANIC MALE #1
Si, si!
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
I don’t know about this jalapeno smelling fuck, but I’m an American citizen. My name is P..
El Gran Luchador notices the camera for the first time, stopping in his tracks.
AGENT #3
Your name is what now?
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Buen venidos muchachos! Hola, ladies. El Gran Luchador is back. Back once again. Otra ves. But this time in the spotlight. This time in the main event. This time in the match that everyone wants to see. The Stairway to Heaven match, para Dios. Six uh.. Five uh.. Three bad hombres, a perrito and two mamacitas. All stepping into some contraption. No se the rules, no clue what how to win. Pero El Gran Luchador knows it is for the Immortal World Heavyweight Titulo. The championship. The main title. The title everyone has been waiting to see a REAL HOMBRE hold. A leyende. A legend of the ring. Not some Sloppy Sally who’s had her chocha handled by everyone in the business.
AGENT #3
What the hell are you talking about?
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
I’m talking about the Lass With The Ass. Ms. La Femme Nikita herself. La muchacha that holds the Championship, El Campeoneta herself Ms. Anick Swan. But it seems as though El Gran Luchador is not even a blip on her radar. Not even a speck of thought in that semen filled head of hers. Over and over, El Gran Luchador has done nothing, beat nobody, said nothing. The tape recorder stuck on repeat, between that puta and Wolfie Boy. But who says El Gran Luchador has done nothing? Who said El Gran Luchador has beat nobody and said nothing? For the identity, THE TRUE IDENTITY of El Gran Luchador has not been revealed. We all have a former vida, a former life we have come from. A former person we have left behind.. Well, most of us. Anicka, like Wolfie Boy, have refused to evolve, playing the old horny, bimbo who chases behind the Wolfie and Riggs Clans. Or not? El Gran Luchador does not know, cannot follow the vast family tree. Thing 1 and Thing 2? Tomato, potato..
AGENT #2
Sarge, I think we have a crazy one here. Better radio ahead to Psych..
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Well claro que si! Aren’t we all a little crazy? All one dildo short of a picnic basket? Of course, we are. And of course, Xavier Wolf is still running around pretending to be a doggy. Thee only dog in lucha libre.. Well, besides the million other spawn that have come from that family of Blacks and Phreeqs and Tweaks, who can keep track? El Gran Luchdaor needs a slide show to keep track. Do you know Power Point? No matter.. And that promo Wolfie released.. Aye Dios Mios! Such anger, such rage. After all these years, he’s still so angry, that Wolfie Boy. Still hurling insults through gritted teeth. The same song and dance. The same angry little boy.. But he’s not a boy. Not anymore. He’s been in this business long enough. Too long. The act has gotten old papito. How angry and bitter can he be with all of that supposed money that family has. He’s richer than the Riggs Clan. With the Wolf Compound in some hidden part of the world. The Phreeq Tower, broken down and moved to some undisclosed location. All the dinero he flaunts on television. The public persona of Xavier Wolf. It’s old papi. It’s boring. El Gran Luchador finds himself bored to tears of watching the ten million people in the Puppy Clan. Snooze fest papi. It’s time to give it up Wolfie Boy. That persona, it’s played out..
AGENT #3
Shut the fuck up Pedro or I’ll shut it for you.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Pedro? Have you not been paying attention? There’s no Pedro here. Only the best. The greatest. El MEJOR DEL MUNDO! Papicito, pero Anicka is not the only woman in the match. Pero what is happening with this word. Hashtag me too. Am I right or what muchachos? Another Femme in the match. Femme Icon, la senora Bella Muerte. A big, juicy woman, Apathy. No worries tho mamacita, El Gran Luchador does not discriminate. Whether it be in the ring or in the bedroom, El Gran Luchador is always up for a challenge. One night with this leyende of the ring and movie set, and you’ll ceiling with forever be stained.. With the natural juices of El Gran Luchador of course.. For he stands down for no challenge, ready to chop a big block down to size. El Gran Luchador is a carnivore, and is not afraid to chomp on some thick meat. As long as you’re not afraird to chomp on this thick meat.. You get it muchachos! A penis joke..
El Gran Luchador laughs as the agents look annoyed.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Aye Dios Mio, the list is so long of people in this match. The Pinnacle of Purity? Que in the fuck does that even mean? Who would brag about being pure? What fun is it to be pure? Ask Anicka, she got the pure fucked out of her ages ago. And she turned out alright.. Err.. She’s a champion, that counts for something.. El muchacho Skeety Adams. You’re going to be in the ring with the wrong type of people. Especially if you’re trying to claim this, “Purity, I Love Jesus” type of vibe. Look at Wolfie Boy, he lost his purity when he ripped out his mother’s fallopian tubes at birth. That is one wild ma.. One wild old man.. It would be a shame to have your purity cherry popped, but if it has to happen, than El Gran Luchador is the man for the job. I’ve popped more cherry’s than uh.. Something that pops cherries..
HISPANIC MALE #1
Perate, tu eres El Gran Luchador!
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
What?! Fuck, of course I am. Where have you been? Keep up muchacho.. Mr. Business Man himself, Roger Wright. The new guy that’s fucking Anicka Swan? Do I have that right? I’m not caught up on the newest novelas, Days of Our Outlaw Wrestling. El Gran Luchador cannot keep up with all the latest gossip. I need it spelled out to me. By God, does anyone know Power Point?
Hispanic Male #1 shrugs.
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
So instead I must rely on my intellect to formulate my own opinions. But what a waste of brain power wasting it on these putos in the match. Who in their right mind would wife up Anicka Swan? Turning a ho into a housewife. Especially a housewife that loves watching El Gran Luchador’s movie. My cousin Hector hacked her computer and looked up her search history. She loves “El Gran Luchador, Rises Again.” She’s seen it more times than Roger Wright has gotten to get tested after a night out with his love. Is that even right tho? Are they together? Why else would his hija be talking about Anicka while holding a shell to he ear? The world is upside, the upside place. Hos are fucking hos. The world needs a REAL MAN like El Gran Luchador. A real man to..
AGENT #3
Enough! Shut the fuck up!
Agent #3 stands up and grabs Gran by the throat.
AGENT #1
Take it easy..
DISPATCHER
(O.S.)
Bravo One, this is dispatch, over..
Agent #1 responds on the radio.
AGENT #1
Dispatch, this is Bravo One over..
DISPATCHER
(O.S.) Bravo One, have you apprehended a man wearing a mask? Over..
AGENT #1
Uh.. Yes, that is correct.. Over..
DISPATCHER
Bravo One, you have a direct order to release him. Over..
AGENT #1
Release him? Over..
DISPATCHER
Bravo One, I repeat. Direct order to release him. We’ll see you back at HQ. Over and out..
The agents look at each other confused.
AGENT #1
You heard dispatch. Pull over..
The van pulls over. Agent #1 opens the door. The van is flooded with lights from a car that’s pulled up behind them. A silhouette appears, before revealing himself to be Thee Producer.
PRODUCER
Gentlemen, I’ll be taking Mr. Luchador from your custody now.
El Gran Luchador stands up and jumps out of the van.
PRODUCER
His restraints..
Agent #1 begrudgingly cuts the tip ties around Luchador’s wrists.
PRODUCER
Let’s go..
They turn back to the car. Gran turns back around and walks up to the camera
EL GRAN LUCHADOR
Stefanito Stratford, El Gran Luchador has not forgotten about you being in the match. How could he? We have become best amigos in recent weeks. Trabajando to take out the trash. La basura. But that ring is, for that title, for that opportunity is different. Makes this different. Makes this matter. Especially para El Gran Luchador. I’ve said nothing, done nothing. At Stairway to Heaven, I change all that. I’m coming to shock the world. To bring this place to its knees and beg El Gran Luchador para forgiveness. Stefanito, it’s nothing personal. Never is. Siempre business. Always.. And with that amigos, I leave you to ponder the words of wisdom El Gran Luchador has laid at your feet. What you do with it not is purely up to you..
Gran Luchador tips his imaginary hat and walks back to the car. Agent #1 shuts the door close. He looks over at the camera.
AGENT #1
Alright, enough of this shit show. Turn the damn camera off.
FADE TO BLACK.