Post by scottyadams on Jan 11, 2021 8:54:30 GMT -5
"I'm not sure I can do this."
These words leave my lips as I run my hands through my scruffed up hair. The by-product of not having been able to attend a barbershop in a year due to the pandemic. A pandemic that has shown no signs of ending soon - at least here in the United States.
Sitting next to me within her recliner, looking at her with a sorrowful look. The type of look I have recieved when she knows I'm being too pessimistic. When I'm being too harsh of myself is Bianca.
"I'm not sure how much more I can bring myself to step between those ropes. I don't know if it's truly there anymore," I continue stating, talking about the fire. The passion that I had pre-pandemic; when I first made my return to wrestling.
Heck, the fire I had even during the summertime. A fire that I have to admit, has been long gone. As evidenced by the fact my performances. My body of work within the ring has severely diminished in recent months.
Softly sighing, I notice Bianca just staring at me blankly. Almost within a trance and lost within the words I am speaking. *This* side of me is new to her. Yes, she was with me during my 2018 retirement but that was more so that we could finally get married and stabilise ourselves. Build foudations from a familial standpoint.
Not because the fire. The passion for the cause had faded into ash. Despite the seeds I had planted this past year - the wheels that I had set into motion. I am sitting here, willing to throw that all away. Willing to once more fade into the shadows. Pulling my hands back atop my lap, I feel a soft sigh leave my lips.
"I failed them. I told them I would be the one to cleanse, yet I simply could not pull the trigger. That falls upon me and that is what cuts the deepest." My words floating through the air, I feel the slight; stoic smile on my face fade back into a cold, steely expression. Devoid of any real emotion. As if I am nothing more than a statue.
Bianca: Are you sure you failed them? Or is that what *he* is trying to make you believe?
Her tone pointed and questioning, she simply places her right hand atop mine, staring at me with a stare akin to a puppy dog when they yearn for attention.
"Yes. And you know that, too." I coldly state in response, feeling my chest tighten up but my breathing beginning to relax with her warm, comforting touch.
"I have failed them. I have not fulfilled the commands of the shrine," Almost robotic in nature, my words are nothing more than the truth. I promised that I would bring about a new wave. That I would fulfill the cries of purity, yet I did not.
If I had, then we would have reaped the rewards of such success by now. If I did, it would be the Cure standing atop the OPW kingdom.
Not some group that named themselves after an Ariana Grande song. Or the group that sees themselves as a mafioso of sorts either. Yes Focus and Syndicate, I *am* referring to the both of you when I say that. Who else would I be referring to? The men on the moon? Ha.
Continuing to stare blankly into Bianca's eyes, I feel myself struggling. Fighting the urge within to just break down. To just allow Zion to consume me and tear away at the foundations of my very being. "I-I can't," I whisper to myself as I attempt to force a smile.
Bianca: Scotty?
Her words concerned, she gently rubs my hand, attempting to incite some sort of reaction from me. Some motion that would indicate that I am still within this realm. That I haven't fallen truly into the mire just yet.
Bianca: Babe ---
Gently, she leans across, placing a tender kiss on my lips. Sensing the turmoil that is flowing throughout my body. Within the corridors of my mind.
Turmoil that has sat there, repressed for a timeframe not even I am completely sure of the answer to, due to it simply blending in with everything else that the recesses of my mind like to conjure up. Keeping it behind lock and key under the surface whilst maintaining a facade.
A certain innocence when I attempt to pry within it. Blinding me to what is truly brewing within --- until I run face first into the wall. Sink within the quicksand. Whatever adage you wish to use to describe it.
"I-I can't," I softly whisper, my voice low enough so that Bianca cannot hear, for I do not wish for her to see me this way. For this isn't her battle to fight, as much as I know she desires for it to be as such. I cannot bring myself to place this burden upon her. It's how I have *always* been.
Even growing up - a story I have told many a time before, to the point where it should be hammered home by now that as much as I know I can trust Bianca, I do not wish for her to feel as if she needs to do more for me. That this is a prison that only *I* can confront, alone.
Bianca: Y-you there?
Her eyes beginning to glaze over with tears, she places another kiss on my lips, coaxing me into a gentle smile. Finally cracking through the trance I had been in as I mouth "Thank you," softly yet audiable enough for her to hear. Her angelic touch striking the same cord as always within me.
One that no matter how much I might be hurting. No matter how close to the edge I might be, is enough to elicit a smile. Enough to at the very least, wash away *some* of my emotional ailments. In return, she shoots me a calm smile of her own, as she lifts her right hand up to her eyes in an attempt to hide her tears from me.
To try and ensure me that she is okay, despite the fear. The dread that 'Zion' might actually win consuming her, much as it is me. For she knows the fire. The unrelenting fury that 'Zion' brings forth. Both from our days in high school --- and of more recently, too. Even if it has been over a year since my last lapse. Nearly 2 years, if we're being 100% honest with ourselves. Yet it feels as if it were merely yesterday.
I sigh, trying *not* to think about that moment, for it still haunts me. It still festers within my soul how close I was to losing her. To throwing everything away, much as I am here. Or rather, much like I have in terms of wrestling.
As much as I might deny it. As much as I might falsely believe that there is still a modicum of fear. Of respect associated with my name between the ropes, I know that has faded. I know deep down that people see me as nothing more than another name. Another face, lost within the shuffle. I don't blame them for that either. I brought that all upon myself with how far I have fallen. With how much I have merely 'gone through the motions' in recent months.
To the point where I dunno if I can ever find it within me to bring about the change I seek. Yes, I habe the cure backing me up but that is all fractured. That, much like everything else associated with me in the ring, has fallen apart at the seams in recent months. And I take complete blame for that. It falls back onto me as the leader. As the number one in the leadership order.
Nobody else.
Even if Apathy and I might have a title shot. Even if we could very well commence eliciting that change at Drugs, Sex and Rock n Roll, I dunno how much influence it would truly weild.
---
(9 hours prior)
I sit atop my sofa, glancing down at my phone. Apathy's number dialled in as I know that this is a call that needs to be made - yet I just cannot bring myself to make the call. I just do not foresee myself as the one who can sing the chorous she wishes to hear. Especially as we head towards what could be the breaking point. Or the tipping point, whichever one tickles your fancy of the Cure.
Not just in the sense of the wrestling faction but us as people. After all, I am the one who has let us down before. Something that I dom't hide from. Something I know I shouldn't hide from either.
Otherwise, what kind of *leader* would I be?
Not a good one, I can tell you that right now. I'd be no better than Johnny Stylez or whoever it is that leads the group that wishes for you to Focus on them. Both of whom are part of why the industry has taken the course we are now travelling upon.
A course that I have tried to reverse, yet been met with a brick wall each and every time I have. Much like Apathy. Much like the rest of the Cure.
"I guess I should," I mutter, inhaling deeply as I lift the phone up to eye level. "It's only right that I am the one who does this,". Feeling the words float harmlessly into the air, I finally decide to press 'call', knowing that it is merely what has to be done in order to make things right.
In order to get onto the same page as Apathy.
---
(Present Time)
"It'll be over soon," I state out loud, looking Bianca straight in the eyes. Letting her know that soon, things shall return to how they once were. That everything will be alright once again. Even if that means I must transverse the passage of hell to ensure it. I am more than willing to take that plunge. She simply responds with a gentle sigh and a little nod.
Bianca: I hope so ---.
Her words quivering from her mouth, she gently clasps my hand within hers. For as difficult. As much of a toil these past few months have been for me, it has been even more so for her. I don't think we've had a blissful day along since August if I'm being 100% truthful with you.
Between my own tribulations and having to organise the Cure - there hasn't been enough time for well --- us. Including Chili and Amelia, who have mostly been in their rooms or gone shopping, in order to at least have some semblance of normalcy. Especially as they, just like myself and Bianca don't know when they'll be able to return home. No, when we will be able to return home.
For I know Bianca misses Jane and Larni. I know she misses the comfort of the surroundings that we grew up in. The community that she holds dear. I miss that too. Oh how I miss just being able to relax and cherish all that life has to offer. Being able to just relax and let everything fall into place.
Yet at the same time, wrestling is what I know best. It is what I have been doing most of my life. It is what put me onto the stage. And to leave it is like taking a piece of myself away. I slightly stroke my jaw, pondering whether or not the choice I am making is the best one. Whether I should *truly* turn my back on the cause or if I shoulf continue to fight. Whether or not we walk away as tag team champions.
Leaning in, I place a soft kiss on Bianca's lips.
"This is for us. Trust me, this is what we *both* desire," I softly whisper, as she nods. She knows that no matter what, she and Lucina are why I stisll do this. Why I fight, each and every day. That has never changed; that will never change. Even as my clock ticks ever so close to midnight.
And I know what needs to be done.
These words leave my lips as I run my hands through my scruffed up hair. The by-product of not having been able to attend a barbershop in a year due to the pandemic. A pandemic that has shown no signs of ending soon - at least here in the United States.
Sitting next to me within her recliner, looking at her with a sorrowful look. The type of look I have recieved when she knows I'm being too pessimistic. When I'm being too harsh of myself is Bianca.
"I'm not sure how much more I can bring myself to step between those ropes. I don't know if it's truly there anymore," I continue stating, talking about the fire. The passion that I had pre-pandemic; when I first made my return to wrestling.
Heck, the fire I had even during the summertime. A fire that I have to admit, has been long gone. As evidenced by the fact my performances. My body of work within the ring has severely diminished in recent months.
Softly sighing, I notice Bianca just staring at me blankly. Almost within a trance and lost within the words I am speaking. *This* side of me is new to her. Yes, she was with me during my 2018 retirement but that was more so that we could finally get married and stabilise ourselves. Build foudations from a familial standpoint.
Not because the fire. The passion for the cause had faded into ash. Despite the seeds I had planted this past year - the wheels that I had set into motion. I am sitting here, willing to throw that all away. Willing to once more fade into the shadows. Pulling my hands back atop my lap, I feel a soft sigh leave my lips.
"I failed them. I told them I would be the one to cleanse, yet I simply could not pull the trigger. That falls upon me and that is what cuts the deepest." My words floating through the air, I feel the slight; stoic smile on my face fade back into a cold, steely expression. Devoid of any real emotion. As if I am nothing more than a statue.
Bianca: Are you sure you failed them? Or is that what *he* is trying to make you believe?
Her tone pointed and questioning, she simply places her right hand atop mine, staring at me with a stare akin to a puppy dog when they yearn for attention.
"Yes. And you know that, too." I coldly state in response, feeling my chest tighten up but my breathing beginning to relax with her warm, comforting touch.
"I have failed them. I have not fulfilled the commands of the shrine," Almost robotic in nature, my words are nothing more than the truth. I promised that I would bring about a new wave. That I would fulfill the cries of purity, yet I did not.
If I had, then we would have reaped the rewards of such success by now. If I did, it would be the Cure standing atop the OPW kingdom.
Not some group that named themselves after an Ariana Grande song. Or the group that sees themselves as a mafioso of sorts either. Yes Focus and Syndicate, I *am* referring to the both of you when I say that. Who else would I be referring to? The men on the moon? Ha.
Continuing to stare blankly into Bianca's eyes, I feel myself struggling. Fighting the urge within to just break down. To just allow Zion to consume me and tear away at the foundations of my very being. "I-I can't," I whisper to myself as I attempt to force a smile.
Bianca: Scotty?
Her words concerned, she gently rubs my hand, attempting to incite some sort of reaction from me. Some motion that would indicate that I am still within this realm. That I haven't fallen truly into the mire just yet.
Bianca: Babe ---
Gently, she leans across, placing a tender kiss on my lips. Sensing the turmoil that is flowing throughout my body. Within the corridors of my mind.
Turmoil that has sat there, repressed for a timeframe not even I am completely sure of the answer to, due to it simply blending in with everything else that the recesses of my mind like to conjure up. Keeping it behind lock and key under the surface whilst maintaining a facade.
A certain innocence when I attempt to pry within it. Blinding me to what is truly brewing within --- until I run face first into the wall. Sink within the quicksand. Whatever adage you wish to use to describe it.
"I-I can't," I softly whisper, my voice low enough so that Bianca cannot hear, for I do not wish for her to see me this way. For this isn't her battle to fight, as much as I know she desires for it to be as such. I cannot bring myself to place this burden upon her. It's how I have *always* been.
Even growing up - a story I have told many a time before, to the point where it should be hammered home by now that as much as I know I can trust Bianca, I do not wish for her to feel as if she needs to do more for me. That this is a prison that only *I* can confront, alone.
Bianca: Y-you there?
Her eyes beginning to glaze over with tears, she places another kiss on my lips, coaxing me into a gentle smile. Finally cracking through the trance I had been in as I mouth "Thank you," softly yet audiable enough for her to hear. Her angelic touch striking the same cord as always within me.
One that no matter how much I might be hurting. No matter how close to the edge I might be, is enough to elicit a smile. Enough to at the very least, wash away *some* of my emotional ailments. In return, she shoots me a calm smile of her own, as she lifts her right hand up to her eyes in an attempt to hide her tears from me.
To try and ensure me that she is okay, despite the fear. The dread that 'Zion' might actually win consuming her, much as it is me. For she knows the fire. The unrelenting fury that 'Zion' brings forth. Both from our days in high school --- and of more recently, too. Even if it has been over a year since my last lapse. Nearly 2 years, if we're being 100% honest with ourselves. Yet it feels as if it were merely yesterday.
I sigh, trying *not* to think about that moment, for it still haunts me. It still festers within my soul how close I was to losing her. To throwing everything away, much as I am here. Or rather, much like I have in terms of wrestling.
As much as I might deny it. As much as I might falsely believe that there is still a modicum of fear. Of respect associated with my name between the ropes, I know that has faded. I know deep down that people see me as nothing more than another name. Another face, lost within the shuffle. I don't blame them for that either. I brought that all upon myself with how far I have fallen. With how much I have merely 'gone through the motions' in recent months.
To the point where I dunno if I can ever find it within me to bring about the change I seek. Yes, I habe the cure backing me up but that is all fractured. That, much like everything else associated with me in the ring, has fallen apart at the seams in recent months. And I take complete blame for that. It falls back onto me as the leader. As the number one in the leadership order.
Nobody else.
Even if Apathy and I might have a title shot. Even if we could very well commence eliciting that change at Drugs, Sex and Rock n Roll, I dunno how much influence it would truly weild.
---
(9 hours prior)
I sit atop my sofa, glancing down at my phone. Apathy's number dialled in as I know that this is a call that needs to be made - yet I just cannot bring myself to make the call. I just do not foresee myself as the one who can sing the chorous she wishes to hear. Especially as we head towards what could be the breaking point. Or the tipping point, whichever one tickles your fancy of the Cure.
Not just in the sense of the wrestling faction but us as people. After all, I am the one who has let us down before. Something that I dom't hide from. Something I know I shouldn't hide from either.
Otherwise, what kind of *leader* would I be?
Not a good one, I can tell you that right now. I'd be no better than Johnny Stylez or whoever it is that leads the group that wishes for you to Focus on them. Both of whom are part of why the industry has taken the course we are now travelling upon.
A course that I have tried to reverse, yet been met with a brick wall each and every time I have. Much like Apathy. Much like the rest of the Cure.
"I guess I should," I mutter, inhaling deeply as I lift the phone up to eye level. "It's only right that I am the one who does this,". Feeling the words float harmlessly into the air, I finally decide to press 'call', knowing that it is merely what has to be done in order to make things right.
In order to get onto the same page as Apathy.
---
(Present Time)
"It'll be over soon," I state out loud, looking Bianca straight in the eyes. Letting her know that soon, things shall return to how they once were. That everything will be alright once again. Even if that means I must transverse the passage of hell to ensure it. I am more than willing to take that plunge. She simply responds with a gentle sigh and a little nod.
Bianca: I hope so ---.
Her words quivering from her mouth, she gently clasps my hand within hers. For as difficult. As much of a toil these past few months have been for me, it has been even more so for her. I don't think we've had a blissful day along since August if I'm being 100% truthful with you.
Between my own tribulations and having to organise the Cure - there hasn't been enough time for well --- us. Including Chili and Amelia, who have mostly been in their rooms or gone shopping, in order to at least have some semblance of normalcy. Especially as they, just like myself and Bianca don't know when they'll be able to return home. No, when we will be able to return home.
For I know Bianca misses Jane and Larni. I know she misses the comfort of the surroundings that we grew up in. The community that she holds dear. I miss that too. Oh how I miss just being able to relax and cherish all that life has to offer. Being able to just relax and let everything fall into place.
Yet at the same time, wrestling is what I know best. It is what I have been doing most of my life. It is what put me onto the stage. And to leave it is like taking a piece of myself away. I slightly stroke my jaw, pondering whether or not the choice I am making is the best one. Whether I should *truly* turn my back on the cause or if I shoulf continue to fight. Whether or not we walk away as tag team champions.
Leaning in, I place a soft kiss on Bianca's lips.
"This is for us. Trust me, this is what we *both* desire," I softly whisper, as she nods. She knows that no matter what, she and Lucina are why I stisll do this. Why I fight, each and every day. That has never changed; that will never change. Even as my clock ticks ever so close to midnight.
And I know what needs to be done.