Post by somethingwicked on Apr 6, 2021 18:20:19 GMT -5
The cold stone steps send a chill up Coach Ernie Burton as sits and shifts about. The weather isn’t particularly cold, but this area he’s in does not get a lot of sun, and the steps are still cold from the night before, despite it being 2pm. Taking out his phone and thumbing through his social media, emails and the like so intensely that it’s a matter of quite a few seconds before he notices the cup being held out in front of him. Panning up the tattooed arm and into the face looking down at him, he sees the even intenser eyes of Vince Black. He is nervous for a moment, and it shows, which causes Vincent to smile at him to try and ease the tension. Vincent offers the cup to him again to which point he takes it, and snaps the sipping lid open. The smell of the liquid inside hits him at the same moment that Vincent sits down.
Coach Ernie
“ Is this gin? “
Vincent Black
“ It’s after noon? “
Coach Ernie
“ I don’t drink. “
Vincent Black
“ Good. “ Vincent downs his cup which is obviously also filled with gin, and snatches the cup from Coach’s hand. “ How’d it go? “
Coach Ernie
“ I’m going to step out on a ledge, and say you didn’t just hire me for my physical education. “
Vincent Black for all his anger issues and rage issues and other issues that usually ended up with lawsuits and handcuffs, was a pragmatic man. He sees a problem and finds solutions. When faced with the problem of the coach putting his hands on his children, his first instinct was his fist instinct. To turn his inward rage onto the outside of the man’s face. But he knew the man meant well. While he decided what to do, he saw the wall of certificates and awards. Among them was one that was incredibly impressive. Not the one for his efforts to reduce childhood obesity. The one where it states he has a BA in Children’s psychiatry.
Vincent Black
“ You’re safe on that ledge. “
Coach Ernie
“ This kid, Asher. He’s not well, you know that right? “
Vincent Black
“ I’m aware. How’d it go? “
Coach Ernie
“ Well... “
Asher’s mouth is gaping open with drool pooling around his chin and cheek on the folded pillow beneath his head. His eyes flutter as he dreams and his nostrils flare as he produces snores not quite loud enough to be annoying, but hard enough to tell the room could use a dehumidifier. Eyes snapping open as a wave of water crashes onto his face, he sits up and covers his chest with his hands, screaming bloody murder before he even opens his eyes. Finally opening his eyes, he sees Noelle, Martha, and JJ all standing in his doorway, with a very large man standing over his bed, empty cup in hand.
JJ Starfire
“ Good Morning, Starshine! The earth says helloooo! ”
Asher
“ Right. What’s this, then. Who’s that. Where’s me door? “
Coach Ernie
“ This, is the only way I could wake you. Who I am, is Coach Ernest, but you can call me Coach E. I’m here to help get you into shape. And your door, well Vincent Black felt you didn’t really earn it, so he removed it. And the doorframe. You slept through that, astoundingly. “
Asher
“ Proper. Fair. Right. Ok. So get started with these three, and I’ll be with you in a bit. Let’s say half 12 and not be upset with one another if it goes a bit further, yeah. “
Coach Ernie
“ No. I’m not here for the others. I’m here for you. “
Asher
“ ...right. ‘F course. Coochie, Let me hit the shower, have some breakfast, and I’ll be right ‘s rain. “
Coach Ernie
“ You’ll do all of that after. Right now, it’s time to get up, get dressed, and get outside. “
Asher
“ ..bruv i don’t know if you been told or not, but i’m a fighter you see. OPW and such. I’ll ring your bell for you, you don’t ca- “
With one arm Coach E hauls Asher out of bed by the neck and tosses his naked ass into the next room. Noelle, Martha and JJ all rush out of the way, and watch as he falls on his pasty pale ass. Coach E searches the room and finds a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Both obviously dirty, he tosses them not so much to Asher, but at Asher.
Coach Ernie
“ Get dressed. “
Asher
“ Won’t do, bruv. These smell. “
Coach Ernie
“ So do you. And you’re both going to smell worse at the end of this. Now get dressed. “
Asher
“ ...not even a cuppa? I’m english, son. We can’t get cracking on no tea, just ain’t done, cuz. “
Coach Ernie
“ I know your type, Asher. You think persistence is going to win you something. You aren’t going to win a thing. Because you’re not ready to win. Now get dressed, and maybe we can change that. “
Asher
“ ...so motivated. Thank you. Me whole life just turned ‘bout. Right here. With me balls out. Changed. “
Vincent takes a gulp of gin with a smile, and tries to hide it from Coach E, who is not half as amused as Vincent is. Vincent apologizes silently, and beckons him to continue. Taking a deep breath, Coach E thinks about the best way to put it, and then remembers how he actually put it just a few hours earlier. Asher was in the middle of his 20 jumping jacks, which he actually only did 19 of, and only 2 of which were actual jumping jacks with the other 17 being some combination of random arm and leg movements. He then did 3 push-ups before crying about his bone spurs in his hands, and asking for a smoke break. Coach E, even less amused as he would be, bent down to secure eye contact.
Coach Ernie
“ I saw your match last week. It was smart of you to try to avoid it. Since you’re not really in this business to fight. “
Asher
“ What’re you on about, guv? I’m the next Immaterial champion, I am. “
Coach Ernie
“ Immortal. “
Asher
“ Nah, it’s not a wish of mine. I don’t mind death. Got a good handle on it, I do. “
Coach Ernie
“ Asher, you’re an opportunist. This one came along, you read the contract and saw that there was base pay, and you figured you’d ride it out as long as you could until they got tired of you. Either way, free money. But you made a mistake. “
Asher
“ Just the one? You know wha’ that is, doncha? It’s growth. “
Coach Ernie
“ It was a pretty big one, so probably not. See, you looked at Vincent Black and saw a way to make some quick money. Vincent Black looked at you and saw...I don’t know. You ever hear the bit about staring into the abyss? “
Asher
“ Do tell, love. “
Coach Ernie
“ No. I won’t. You’ll see. Now get up. Vincent Black expects me to get you in shape, and I’m not as stupid as you are to tempt him with disappointment. Now mush. “
Asher
“ ..listen. Why don’t you and I go have a pint, and talk about how it’s better for us both if you just quit? Realistically speaking, the chances of success for you are about as high as the sperm count of a radiation worker with a mobile in each pocket. “
Coach Ernie
“ Get. Up. “
Asher
“ Prolonging the inevitable, that’s what this is. This is the best workout I’ve had in years. Let’s call it a day. “
Coach Ernie
“ This isn’t the workout. This is the warm up. Now get up. “
Asher was ran through paces he’d never been through, and by the end of it, he was a sweaty, red mess. Coach E deposited him outside of the apartment, where he had to weave through 40 bright green and yellow ‘CAUTION: KIDS AT PLAY’ signs that were all lined up outside. He watched as Asher made his way upstairs, and vanished from sight. Coach Ernie knew how the next few hours would go. He’d shit. He’d vomit. He’d most likely pass out. And he’d spend the rest of his time between the moment he woke up, and the moment he saw Coach again, figuring out a way to get out of it. Asher would be under the impression that this was possible. He was also under the impression that it wasn’t going to be tomorrow. He was wrong on both counts.
Vincent had drained his second cup of gin, and was now sitting back with a smile on his face, pleasantly listening to the annoyance in the Coaches voice.
Vincent Black
“ Mr. Burton, I get that this is outside your normal spectrum of difficulty. I do. But you must understand something; I am very rich. And there are no consequences for me. If there were, I wouldn’t care. But there aren’t. Save for one. I looked at this misfit, and I saw something. Something someone once saw in me. And now, there’s a consequence. He fails, it reflects on me. I can get him some of the way. I know I can. I can’t get him all the way. That’s why I need you. So. If you feel this deal isn’t up to snuff, and would like to renegotiate at any time, Just text me a number. Any number. And I’ll say ok. Ok? “
Coach Ernie
“ ...he can’t be worth all of this. He’s...He’s undedicated. I saw what happened to him last week. He got destroyed. This next guy, Graham Clawson? He’s going to finish what the other two started. Asher is...he’s unaware at how serious this business you’ve got him in is. He is...He’s..He’s a lot of things, Mr. Black. Not one of them positive. “
Vincent Black
“ He might not be now, but I have this feeling..he might be one day. From now on you can email me your status updates. This way you don’t have to wait for me. Sorry about being late. “
Coach Ernie
“ Why were you late? “
Vincent Black
“ I got thirsty on the way here, and had to go back to fill up the cups. Twice. “
Vincent slaps the Coach on the shoulder and stands up. He dusts the back of his pants off, and winks at the Coach with a smile, making his way chipperly down the sidewalk. Coach Ernie Burton who has not seen his kids in a year because of his ex-wife, who misses the way life used to be, takes a deep breath, and prepares himself for the reality that the only fathering he’s going to do is for a literal insane person. Motivated, he calls out to Vincent Black.
Coach Ernie
“ ...he’s not a good person. “
And without turning around, or skipping a beat, Vincent Black shouts back...
Vincent Black
“ Those are my favorite kinds! “
Vincent vanishes into a small crowd of people outside a bar, and in a flash we see Asher, passed out in the bottom of the tub, water that has long since turned cold splashing down on him. JJ, Noelle and Martha stand in the room, watching as he snores out the water running up his nose.
JJ Starfire
“ How does he do that? “
Noelle
“ Drugs? “
Martha
“ So many drugs. “
I sit up and find meself being stared down by the three Muskacunts. The lesbian is eating a banana ironically, The tall one actually looks fucking concerned and the other lesbian has her arms folded because she’s a bad arse, donchaknow. I sit up and reach for me lighter and smokes, but alls I find is empty pockets. I look down at the drain and there’s me lucky’s, swirling about in tobacco flakes. Looks like I ate taco bell and waffle stomped the waste.
Asher
“ Shite. Fuck you lot want for, selling tickets? Here for the show? Is big yanno. “
Noelle
“ Mines bigger. “
Asher
“ Go on, ‘hen. Strap it on and give us a looksy. “
Noelle
“ I bet you’d love that. Get out your extra small cockcage and lock it on. Start getting all drippy from anticipat... “
Asher
“ Right, love. Let’s get one fin- “
Noelle
“ -TION. “
Asher
“ Bravo, get the fuck out. I’m having a baff, you see. And it isn’t big enough for the shaved yeti, and you two ain’t scissoring all over me legs. Now fuck off with the lot of ya’s. “
JJ Starfire
“ Dude. I’m not shaved everywhere. “
Asher
“ Good Job, bruv. Truly. Bye bye. “
They all fuck off finally and I’m left to my ice bath with a tobacco twist. I find one cigarette stuck to the side of the tube and give it a go, but it’s no dice, son. It’s proper soaked. I climb out of the tub, me legs so much like jelly might as well be smuckers, and my muscles so tight even the irish would feel big between ‘em. I throw on a jacket and a skirt I found in the hallway, and slip on a set of mixed up shoes. I’m still dripping wet, I smell like a wet dog due to the fur lining of this ugly ass jacket, and my head is pounding to the tune of 2 different ABBA songs. When I get to the store I throw a $20 and get two packs of unfiltered and i go back to the house. The three of them are waiting in the parlor or whatever they call it, and they’re looking over Lesbian one’s laptop. Labtop? Whatever. They’re all jazzed up about who the fuck they’re on with. JJ is vexing hard about his fight against Le’ Fury. Some twat from france or somefin. The lesbo’s left off yet again, and for good reason. Shitshow these two are, make even me look talented. And then they look at me.
Asher
“ Who did I pull, then? Go on? “
They all look to each other with these god damn smirks on their faces and they each want to know should they tell me, or who will tell me. Finally Noelle, the alternate for every WNBA team as well as a Joan Jett cover band member, wins the draw and such.
Noelle
“ Graham Clauson. “
I sit down on the couch, not the coach. I don’t want none of whatever that buzzcut’s got. Probably looks like a babies thumb. All small and satisfying to no one ever. I pull out a smoke and as I inhale, it ingest the gravity of the situation. I’m not fighting just anyone, any little person they could choose to put in my path to getting fired unceremoniously. This was Graham Clauson. This was...
Asher
“ I’ve no idea who the fuck that is. “
And even more so, I don’t care. Wrestlers. If you’ve seen one, all of them. All of them are these macho cunts who need to feel superior to somene else, but also to themselves. Gotta be bigger than I was last week. Stronger than I was the day before. Gotta make waves, gotsta get swole, and be the big man with the big buckles.
JJ Starfire
“ Ash..This guy. He’s serious. Worked me over last week. Pretty seriously. Which is how you should take him. “
Asher
“ Bruv. Fink it fru. Why would I ever take this man seriously, when I can not? Answer me that, and I’ll do as said. For now, tho. I’m gonna go back to me bath, and smoke a cig, and then, I’m gonna cry meself to sleep, because Coochie tried to kill me. Thanks for the concern, loves. Good job not working again this week, birds. Must be nice. “
Noelle
“ Fuck you. “
Martha
“ Eat me. “
Asher
“ Talking to each other, then? “
I slam the door and turn the hot water on again. I don’t bother with no one in this playground and it’s getting past the point of me being able to pretend like I could. I pull a bag out of the back of the toilet and grab few pills for me head, and for me back. I drop them fast and take a drink of hot water from the faucet. It’s brown but so is one of the pills, and in my truth that just means it’ll work faster. I lay my head back and I think about giant alligator men, and bitchy goth’s from the munsters, and I laugh. I wonder what Graham Cracker is gonna throw at me. Whatever it is, I’ll be ready. Because I’m always ready. And that’s the truth.
I get up a few hours later and i”m off for a night on it. I put on me best business suit, my best shoes and my best perfume. You got that right, love. It’s ladies night, and god hath blessed me with a face so odd, I can be ugly as any of the sexes. Key to getting it right is to a, know what the fuck an actual woman looks like. Unlike a lot of the trannies who go out looking like a trannie because, well that’s what they are. I put me hair in a bun, throw on some costume glasses I stole from a kid on the bus stop, lpad up me bra with these fake implant jellies I also stole from a kid on a bus stop, Least I think it was a kid. and out I go. I walk past quite a few places before I find one that will do. Granted in a wink I’m gonna be in fucking Saudi Arabia, or wherever the fuck this place thinks makes it interesting. Bad enough I gotta drug meself up right and good to get on the plane, but I doubt there are enough drugs to even get me halfway there. Wonder if I can get meself put into a coma?
I sit down at this bar and the bar tender, who looks at me cross but smiles despite, slides a napkin in front of me. I asked for a glass of white wine, and he nods, not speaking because who the hell is he? Some side character? No lines for you, bruv. This is my show and that. He slides the wine in front of me, and I slide an atm card to him, I tell him to open a tab, He nods and tells me the wine is actually from the two business men at the corner bar. They ain’t business men. They’re two hoodlums in grandads suits looking for a bit of mischief. They nod at me and we strike a silent agreement. They’ll pay for me drinks, and I’ll prolly steal their wallets. Heh. I’m going to steal their wallets.
We drink wine and talk. They tell me about their law firm that doesn’t exist, and I tell them about my PHD in I’ve already forgotten. They offer to walk me home and I thank them, but decline, I give them each a kiss on the cheek and lift their billfolds from their ass pockets. Left guy thought he was clever having it in his left pocket, but I noticed how he sat so I knew where to go. Also if you’re going to do this, make sure you pick an asexual name, Like Toni, Sam, or Steph. Also, when going to the bathroom, remember to either go into the right one, or catch yourself going into the wrong one before it’s too late. Paid for that one with a tooth or too.
I wait for them to leave and slip out the back. The bartender will attempt to run that card, which he really shouldn’t, and I’ll be a block away before he does. I make my way through an alley and run across the same two idiots I had just escaped. They see me and the look on their faces tells the tale I didn’t want them learning. They know I snuck out of the bar, as there ain’t no exit back here. They also know that I’m moving pretty fast for someone who was supposed to be drunk. And that’s when we both realize something. One, they both realize that my skirt has a particular bulge in it. And I realize that they were not in this alley by accident, They were waiting to drag me in here. They bum rush me and before I can react, they’ve got me. They slam me against the wall, thankfully I plant my chin to my chest to avoid a head injury, and that’s when I feel it. I’ve been stuck. The left one, he’s stabbed me in the thigh. I get mad at this, because how dare he treat a woman this way, and I bash him, fore to bridge o’ nose. He bleeds like a faucet and drops. The other guy pulls out a small switch, and gets mad. I can feel the drug starting to take and there’s nothing I can do. I close my eyes and hear a sick, wet, pop. Having never been stabbed before...well, this kind of stabbed, I am surprised at how sharp the knife is on account of me not even feeling it. I open my eyes after the third or fourth pop, and see the knife on the floor, the man on his knees, and Vincent Black on his bullshit. Fist after fist crashes against the man’s face, with one massive blow landing on the man’s shoulder blade. He pushes him to the ground and turns to me.
The door to the bathroom pops open, and Vincent Black steps in. Grabbing Asher by the forehead, and lurching him out of the tub. Asher yelps as he drops to the floor, and begins to crawl away, only for Vin to step down on his ankle, and halt the attempt.
Vincent Black
“ You alright? What did they get you with?”
Asher
“ No matter, love. Gon’ take a bit more of ‘at to get me down. Say, did you kno- “
And that’s that, I pass out right quick. I remember feeling the coldness of the world in me face and neck. I recall it getting worse as time going on, but feeling better the longer it did. And thats when It happens. Or should I say, he.
The door to the bathroom pops open, and Vincent Black steps in. Grabbing Asher by the forehead, and lurching him out of the tub. Asher yelps as he drops to the floor, and begins to crawl away, only for Vin to step down on his ankle, and halt the attempt.
Vincent Black
“ Are you still high? Jesus, get dressed. Be outside in 10 minutes. Or I’m coming back up, and you’re going out the window. You understand. “
I am a lot of things, but a pushover I’m not. I plant my hands on the floor, and I push up. I’m now on my knees, and he releases his foot. I stand up and jerk the hair out of my eyes. Turning to him, it’s suddenly refreshes just how big a cunt he actually is, so I tell him my truth.
Asher
“ Love to go. Ready in a jiff. “
I got into me room, and grab some pants and a cardigan, and then we’re off. We’re not even off the stairs before he starts in about this Graham bloke and how he’s miffed they got the yeti and now he’s come for me. Seems the old boys be aching for a breaking since arrival. Figured he’d come in as a big shock to the whole unit. Was miffed more so when surprise, no one gave a single fuck. He thought guys like the grim reapoer here and his whore brotha were gon’ be all awed and shock. Truth be told, it prolly went something more like this:
Vincent Black is seen oozing blackness from his eyes and mouth, floating in mid air, the shadows becoming tendril like from the temples of his forehead. Next to him, Xavier, made of pure gold, shines in a light that baths only him and him alone. As Xavier speaks, gold coins fall from his mouth. Aa the cling against one another, and the floor, we hear the words ‘xavier’ instead of a ‘cling’
Fucking Man-whore
Hear about the new hire
Grim reaper guy
Oh yea, right bad ass this one. Topsy turvy he’s set me.
Fucking Man-whore
Right on.
But it prolly didn’ even go that way. It was prolly more like’
Fucking Man-whore
Someone new got hired
Grim Reaper guy
Who gives a shite?
Actually, the right way it went was prolly nothing at all because these two guys, don’t give a shite about him, me, or anyone. Because guys like that fink they’re above everyone. Me? I’m below them all. But yet somehow, this Graham guy, supposed ‘you’ll see’ superstar, he didn’t bring me up to his level, did he? Not even. I brought him down to mine. And maybe I can’t fight proper, maybe I do have the lung capacity of TB kid. But you know what I do have? Not a single fucking clue, and that’s just the kind of beginners luck I need.
Coach Ernie
“ Is this gin? “
Vincent Black
“ It’s after noon? “
Coach Ernie
“ I don’t drink. “
Vincent Black
“ Good. “ Vincent downs his cup which is obviously also filled with gin, and snatches the cup from Coach’s hand. “ How’d it go? “
Coach Ernie
“ I’m going to step out on a ledge, and say you didn’t just hire me for my physical education. “
Vincent Black for all his anger issues and rage issues and other issues that usually ended up with lawsuits and handcuffs, was a pragmatic man. He sees a problem and finds solutions. When faced with the problem of the coach putting his hands on his children, his first instinct was his fist instinct. To turn his inward rage onto the outside of the man’s face. But he knew the man meant well. While he decided what to do, he saw the wall of certificates and awards. Among them was one that was incredibly impressive. Not the one for his efforts to reduce childhood obesity. The one where it states he has a BA in Children’s psychiatry.
Vincent Black
“ You’re safe on that ledge. “
Coach Ernie
“ This kid, Asher. He’s not well, you know that right? “
Vincent Black
“ I’m aware. How’d it go? “
Coach Ernie
“ Well... “
Asher’s mouth is gaping open with drool pooling around his chin and cheek on the folded pillow beneath his head. His eyes flutter as he dreams and his nostrils flare as he produces snores not quite loud enough to be annoying, but hard enough to tell the room could use a dehumidifier. Eyes snapping open as a wave of water crashes onto his face, he sits up and covers his chest with his hands, screaming bloody murder before he even opens his eyes. Finally opening his eyes, he sees Noelle, Martha, and JJ all standing in his doorway, with a very large man standing over his bed, empty cup in hand.
JJ Starfire
“ Good Morning, Starshine! The earth says helloooo! ”
Asher
“ Right. What’s this, then. Who’s that. Where’s me door? “
Coach Ernie
“ This, is the only way I could wake you. Who I am, is Coach Ernest, but you can call me Coach E. I’m here to help get you into shape. And your door, well Vincent Black felt you didn’t really earn it, so he removed it. And the doorframe. You slept through that, astoundingly. “
Asher
“ Proper. Fair. Right. Ok. So get started with these three, and I’ll be with you in a bit. Let’s say half 12 and not be upset with one another if it goes a bit further, yeah. “
Coach Ernie
“ No. I’m not here for the others. I’m here for you. “
Asher
“ ...right. ‘F course. Coochie, Let me hit the shower, have some breakfast, and I’ll be right ‘s rain. “
Coach Ernie
“ You’ll do all of that after. Right now, it’s time to get up, get dressed, and get outside. “
Asher
“ ..bruv i don’t know if you been told or not, but i’m a fighter you see. OPW and such. I’ll ring your bell for you, you don’t ca- “
With one arm Coach E hauls Asher out of bed by the neck and tosses his naked ass into the next room. Noelle, Martha and JJ all rush out of the way, and watch as he falls on his pasty pale ass. Coach E searches the room and finds a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Both obviously dirty, he tosses them not so much to Asher, but at Asher.
Coach Ernie
“ Get dressed. “
Asher
“ Won’t do, bruv. These smell. “
Coach Ernie
“ So do you. And you’re both going to smell worse at the end of this. Now get dressed. “
Asher
“ ...not even a cuppa? I’m english, son. We can’t get cracking on no tea, just ain’t done, cuz. “
Coach Ernie
“ I know your type, Asher. You think persistence is going to win you something. You aren’t going to win a thing. Because you’re not ready to win. Now get dressed, and maybe we can change that. “
Asher
“ ...so motivated. Thank you. Me whole life just turned ‘bout. Right here. With me balls out. Changed. “
Vincent takes a gulp of gin with a smile, and tries to hide it from Coach E, who is not half as amused as Vincent is. Vincent apologizes silently, and beckons him to continue. Taking a deep breath, Coach E thinks about the best way to put it, and then remembers how he actually put it just a few hours earlier. Asher was in the middle of his 20 jumping jacks, which he actually only did 19 of, and only 2 of which were actual jumping jacks with the other 17 being some combination of random arm and leg movements. He then did 3 push-ups before crying about his bone spurs in his hands, and asking for a smoke break. Coach E, even less amused as he would be, bent down to secure eye contact.
Coach Ernie
“ I saw your match last week. It was smart of you to try to avoid it. Since you’re not really in this business to fight. “
Asher
“ What’re you on about, guv? I’m the next Immaterial champion, I am. “
Coach Ernie
“ Immortal. “
Asher
“ Nah, it’s not a wish of mine. I don’t mind death. Got a good handle on it, I do. “
Coach Ernie
“ Asher, you’re an opportunist. This one came along, you read the contract and saw that there was base pay, and you figured you’d ride it out as long as you could until they got tired of you. Either way, free money. But you made a mistake. “
Asher
“ Just the one? You know wha’ that is, doncha? It’s growth. “
Coach Ernie
“ It was a pretty big one, so probably not. See, you looked at Vincent Black and saw a way to make some quick money. Vincent Black looked at you and saw...I don’t know. You ever hear the bit about staring into the abyss? “
Asher
“ Do tell, love. “
Coach Ernie
“ No. I won’t. You’ll see. Now get up. Vincent Black expects me to get you in shape, and I’m not as stupid as you are to tempt him with disappointment. Now mush. “
Asher
“ ..listen. Why don’t you and I go have a pint, and talk about how it’s better for us both if you just quit? Realistically speaking, the chances of success for you are about as high as the sperm count of a radiation worker with a mobile in each pocket. “
Coach Ernie
“ Get. Up. “
Asher
“ Prolonging the inevitable, that’s what this is. This is the best workout I’ve had in years. Let’s call it a day. “
Coach Ernie
“ This isn’t the workout. This is the warm up. Now get up. “
Asher was ran through paces he’d never been through, and by the end of it, he was a sweaty, red mess. Coach E deposited him outside of the apartment, where he had to weave through 40 bright green and yellow ‘CAUTION: KIDS AT PLAY’ signs that were all lined up outside. He watched as Asher made his way upstairs, and vanished from sight. Coach Ernie knew how the next few hours would go. He’d shit. He’d vomit. He’d most likely pass out. And he’d spend the rest of his time between the moment he woke up, and the moment he saw Coach again, figuring out a way to get out of it. Asher would be under the impression that this was possible. He was also under the impression that it wasn’t going to be tomorrow. He was wrong on both counts.
Vincent had drained his second cup of gin, and was now sitting back with a smile on his face, pleasantly listening to the annoyance in the Coaches voice.
Vincent Black
“ Mr. Burton, I get that this is outside your normal spectrum of difficulty. I do. But you must understand something; I am very rich. And there are no consequences for me. If there were, I wouldn’t care. But there aren’t. Save for one. I looked at this misfit, and I saw something. Something someone once saw in me. And now, there’s a consequence. He fails, it reflects on me. I can get him some of the way. I know I can. I can’t get him all the way. That’s why I need you. So. If you feel this deal isn’t up to snuff, and would like to renegotiate at any time, Just text me a number. Any number. And I’ll say ok. Ok? “
Coach Ernie
“ ...he can’t be worth all of this. He’s...He’s undedicated. I saw what happened to him last week. He got destroyed. This next guy, Graham Clawson? He’s going to finish what the other two started. Asher is...he’s unaware at how serious this business you’ve got him in is. He is...He’s..He’s a lot of things, Mr. Black. Not one of them positive. “
Vincent Black
“ He might not be now, but I have this feeling..he might be one day. From now on you can email me your status updates. This way you don’t have to wait for me. Sorry about being late. “
Coach Ernie
“ Why were you late? “
Vincent Black
“ I got thirsty on the way here, and had to go back to fill up the cups. Twice. “
Vincent slaps the Coach on the shoulder and stands up. He dusts the back of his pants off, and winks at the Coach with a smile, making his way chipperly down the sidewalk. Coach Ernie Burton who has not seen his kids in a year because of his ex-wife, who misses the way life used to be, takes a deep breath, and prepares himself for the reality that the only fathering he’s going to do is for a literal insane person. Motivated, he calls out to Vincent Black.
Coach Ernie
“ ...he’s not a good person. “
And without turning around, or skipping a beat, Vincent Black shouts back...
Vincent Black
“ Those are my favorite kinds! “
Vincent vanishes into a small crowd of people outside a bar, and in a flash we see Asher, passed out in the bottom of the tub, water that has long since turned cold splashing down on him. JJ, Noelle and Martha stand in the room, watching as he snores out the water running up his nose.
JJ Starfire
“ How does he do that? “
Noelle
“ Drugs? “
Martha
“ So many drugs. “
I sit up and find meself being stared down by the three Muskacunts. The lesbian is eating a banana ironically, The tall one actually looks fucking concerned and the other lesbian has her arms folded because she’s a bad arse, donchaknow. I sit up and reach for me lighter and smokes, but alls I find is empty pockets. I look down at the drain and there’s me lucky’s, swirling about in tobacco flakes. Looks like I ate taco bell and waffle stomped the waste.
Asher
“ Shite. Fuck you lot want for, selling tickets? Here for the show? Is big yanno. “
Noelle
“ Mines bigger. “
Asher
“ Go on, ‘hen. Strap it on and give us a looksy. “
Noelle
“ I bet you’d love that. Get out your extra small cockcage and lock it on. Start getting all drippy from anticipat... “
Asher
“ Right, love. Let’s get one fin- “
Noelle
“ -TION. “
Asher
“ Bravo, get the fuck out. I’m having a baff, you see. And it isn’t big enough for the shaved yeti, and you two ain’t scissoring all over me legs. Now fuck off with the lot of ya’s. “
JJ Starfire
“ Dude. I’m not shaved everywhere. “
Asher
“ Good Job, bruv. Truly. Bye bye. “
They all fuck off finally and I’m left to my ice bath with a tobacco twist. I find one cigarette stuck to the side of the tube and give it a go, but it’s no dice, son. It’s proper soaked. I climb out of the tub, me legs so much like jelly might as well be smuckers, and my muscles so tight even the irish would feel big between ‘em. I throw on a jacket and a skirt I found in the hallway, and slip on a set of mixed up shoes. I’m still dripping wet, I smell like a wet dog due to the fur lining of this ugly ass jacket, and my head is pounding to the tune of 2 different ABBA songs. When I get to the store I throw a $20 and get two packs of unfiltered and i go back to the house. The three of them are waiting in the parlor or whatever they call it, and they’re looking over Lesbian one’s laptop. Labtop? Whatever. They’re all jazzed up about who the fuck they’re on with. JJ is vexing hard about his fight against Le’ Fury. Some twat from france or somefin. The lesbo’s left off yet again, and for good reason. Shitshow these two are, make even me look talented. And then they look at me.
Asher
“ Who did I pull, then? Go on? “
They all look to each other with these god damn smirks on their faces and they each want to know should they tell me, or who will tell me. Finally Noelle, the alternate for every WNBA team as well as a Joan Jett cover band member, wins the draw and such.
Noelle
“ Graham Clauson. “
I sit down on the couch, not the coach. I don’t want none of whatever that buzzcut’s got. Probably looks like a babies thumb. All small and satisfying to no one ever. I pull out a smoke and as I inhale, it ingest the gravity of the situation. I’m not fighting just anyone, any little person they could choose to put in my path to getting fired unceremoniously. This was Graham Clauson. This was...
Asher
“ I’ve no idea who the fuck that is. “
And even more so, I don’t care. Wrestlers. If you’ve seen one, all of them. All of them are these macho cunts who need to feel superior to somene else, but also to themselves. Gotta be bigger than I was last week. Stronger than I was the day before. Gotta make waves, gotsta get swole, and be the big man with the big buckles.
JJ Starfire
“ Ash..This guy. He’s serious. Worked me over last week. Pretty seriously. Which is how you should take him. “
Asher
“ Bruv. Fink it fru. Why would I ever take this man seriously, when I can not? Answer me that, and I’ll do as said. For now, tho. I’m gonna go back to me bath, and smoke a cig, and then, I’m gonna cry meself to sleep, because Coochie tried to kill me. Thanks for the concern, loves. Good job not working again this week, birds. Must be nice. “
Noelle
“ Fuck you. “
Martha
“ Eat me. “
Asher
“ Talking to each other, then? “
I slam the door and turn the hot water on again. I don’t bother with no one in this playground and it’s getting past the point of me being able to pretend like I could. I pull a bag out of the back of the toilet and grab few pills for me head, and for me back. I drop them fast and take a drink of hot water from the faucet. It’s brown but so is one of the pills, and in my truth that just means it’ll work faster. I lay my head back and I think about giant alligator men, and bitchy goth’s from the munsters, and I laugh. I wonder what Graham Cracker is gonna throw at me. Whatever it is, I’ll be ready. Because I’m always ready. And that’s the truth.
I get up a few hours later and i”m off for a night on it. I put on me best business suit, my best shoes and my best perfume. You got that right, love. It’s ladies night, and god hath blessed me with a face so odd, I can be ugly as any of the sexes. Key to getting it right is to a, know what the fuck an actual woman looks like. Unlike a lot of the trannies who go out looking like a trannie because, well that’s what they are. I put me hair in a bun, throw on some costume glasses I stole from a kid on the bus stop, lpad up me bra with these fake implant jellies I also stole from a kid on a bus stop, Least I think it was a kid. and out I go. I walk past quite a few places before I find one that will do. Granted in a wink I’m gonna be in fucking Saudi Arabia, or wherever the fuck this place thinks makes it interesting. Bad enough I gotta drug meself up right and good to get on the plane, but I doubt there are enough drugs to even get me halfway there. Wonder if I can get meself put into a coma?
I sit down at this bar and the bar tender, who looks at me cross but smiles despite, slides a napkin in front of me. I asked for a glass of white wine, and he nods, not speaking because who the hell is he? Some side character? No lines for you, bruv. This is my show and that. He slides the wine in front of me, and I slide an atm card to him, I tell him to open a tab, He nods and tells me the wine is actually from the two business men at the corner bar. They ain’t business men. They’re two hoodlums in grandads suits looking for a bit of mischief. They nod at me and we strike a silent agreement. They’ll pay for me drinks, and I’ll prolly steal their wallets. Heh. I’m going to steal their wallets.
We drink wine and talk. They tell me about their law firm that doesn’t exist, and I tell them about my PHD in I’ve already forgotten. They offer to walk me home and I thank them, but decline, I give them each a kiss on the cheek and lift their billfolds from their ass pockets. Left guy thought he was clever having it in his left pocket, but I noticed how he sat so I knew where to go. Also if you’re going to do this, make sure you pick an asexual name, Like Toni, Sam, or Steph. Also, when going to the bathroom, remember to either go into the right one, or catch yourself going into the wrong one before it’s too late. Paid for that one with a tooth or too.
I wait for them to leave and slip out the back. The bartender will attempt to run that card, which he really shouldn’t, and I’ll be a block away before he does. I make my way through an alley and run across the same two idiots I had just escaped. They see me and the look on their faces tells the tale I didn’t want them learning. They know I snuck out of the bar, as there ain’t no exit back here. They also know that I’m moving pretty fast for someone who was supposed to be drunk. And that’s when we both realize something. One, they both realize that my skirt has a particular bulge in it. And I realize that they were not in this alley by accident, They were waiting to drag me in here. They bum rush me and before I can react, they’ve got me. They slam me against the wall, thankfully I plant my chin to my chest to avoid a head injury, and that’s when I feel it. I’ve been stuck. The left one, he’s stabbed me in the thigh. I get mad at this, because how dare he treat a woman this way, and I bash him, fore to bridge o’ nose. He bleeds like a faucet and drops. The other guy pulls out a small switch, and gets mad. I can feel the drug starting to take and there’s nothing I can do. I close my eyes and hear a sick, wet, pop. Having never been stabbed before...well, this kind of stabbed, I am surprised at how sharp the knife is on account of me not even feeling it. I open my eyes after the third or fourth pop, and see the knife on the floor, the man on his knees, and Vincent Black on his bullshit. Fist after fist crashes against the man’s face, with one massive blow landing on the man’s shoulder blade. He pushes him to the ground and turns to me.
The door to the bathroom pops open, and Vincent Black steps in. Grabbing Asher by the forehead, and lurching him out of the tub. Asher yelps as he drops to the floor, and begins to crawl away, only for Vin to step down on his ankle, and halt the attempt.
Vincent Black
“ You alright? What did they get you with?”
Asher
“ No matter, love. Gon’ take a bit more of ‘at to get me down. Say, did you kno- “
And that’s that, I pass out right quick. I remember feeling the coldness of the world in me face and neck. I recall it getting worse as time going on, but feeling better the longer it did. And thats when It happens. Or should I say, he.
The door to the bathroom pops open, and Vincent Black steps in. Grabbing Asher by the forehead, and lurching him out of the tub. Asher yelps as he drops to the floor, and begins to crawl away, only for Vin to step down on his ankle, and halt the attempt.
Vincent Black
“ Are you still high? Jesus, get dressed. Be outside in 10 minutes. Or I’m coming back up, and you’re going out the window. You understand. “
I am a lot of things, but a pushover I’m not. I plant my hands on the floor, and I push up. I’m now on my knees, and he releases his foot. I stand up and jerk the hair out of my eyes. Turning to him, it’s suddenly refreshes just how big a cunt he actually is, so I tell him my truth.
Asher
“ Love to go. Ready in a jiff. “
I got into me room, and grab some pants and a cardigan, and then we’re off. We’re not even off the stairs before he starts in about this Graham bloke and how he’s miffed they got the yeti and now he’s come for me. Seems the old boys be aching for a breaking since arrival. Figured he’d come in as a big shock to the whole unit. Was miffed more so when surprise, no one gave a single fuck. He thought guys like the grim reapoer here and his whore brotha were gon’ be all awed and shock. Truth be told, it prolly went something more like this:
Vincent Black is seen oozing blackness from his eyes and mouth, floating in mid air, the shadows becoming tendril like from the temples of his forehead. Next to him, Xavier, made of pure gold, shines in a light that baths only him and him alone. As Xavier speaks, gold coins fall from his mouth. Aa the cling against one another, and the floor, we hear the words ‘xavier’ instead of a ‘cling’
Fucking Man-whore
Hear about the new hire
Grim reaper guy
Oh yea, right bad ass this one. Topsy turvy he’s set me.
Fucking Man-whore
Right on.
But it prolly didn’ even go that way. It was prolly more like’
Fucking Man-whore
Someone new got hired
Grim Reaper guy
Who gives a shite?
Actually, the right way it went was prolly nothing at all because these two guys, don’t give a shite about him, me, or anyone. Because guys like that fink they’re above everyone. Me? I’m below them all. But yet somehow, this Graham guy, supposed ‘you’ll see’ superstar, he didn’t bring me up to his level, did he? Not even. I brought him down to mine. And maybe I can’t fight proper, maybe I do have the lung capacity of TB kid. But you know what I do have? Not a single fucking clue, and that’s just the kind of beginners luck I need.
