Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2020 19:13:01 GMT -5
“WHERE IS HE?!”
..I asked, waiting for my opponent King Quari to pass me by backstage. Can ya believe I won my first professional wrestling match since returning from a decade long hiatus?!
PARODY
IS THAT HIM?!
ASHLEIGH
No, babe. That’s just a fan.
PARODY
It’s hard to tell at this point. I’ve got sweat and face paint in my freakin’ eyes!
ASHLEIGH
Well, you could’ve showered. You could’ve even walked over to the water fountain to cool down by now, Mr. Stubborn.
PARODY
I just wanted to be a good sport to King Quari. I figured maybe he’d be interested in a handshake. A dap. A pinky swear that we’d be best bros regardless whether he lost or not!
ASHLEIGH
Best bros?! Babe, you had never met that kid until tonight! He even made comments subliminally hinting that he was going to take me from you, remember? So fuck that noise! Stop wearin’ your heart on your sleeve for these acquaintances!
PARODY
Now this is the woman I love! The one that gets super fuckin’ pumped when her man succeeds!
ASHLEIGH
Don’t put your foot in your mouth!
PARODY
What do you mean, ya drama queen?!
ASHLEIGH
You basically just insisted that you didn’t love me before tonight! So has this whole thing just been a huge sham?! Does this wedding ring mean NOTHING to you?!
ASHLEIGH
I’m just fuckin’ with ya!
PARODY
Oh, you bitch!
PARODY
But yeah, any minute now they’re gonna be turning the lights out in this place, so I guess we can bail. Quari must’ve snuck out sometime in the last three hours..
ASHLEIGH
Babe, you’re aware that there’s more than one entry point to this arena, right?!
PARODY
Oh, so it’s a lot like you.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Damn, these are some good pancakes! And if I drizzle enough strawberry syrup over them, the red face paint dripping from my face just sorta blends right in! Makes it taste better too!
ASHLEIGH
That’s kind’ve on you for expecting ANYTHING positive from your fellow competitors.. and.. eating while wearing face paint, don’t ya think?!
PARODY
Awhhhh am I embarrassing you now, love bug?
ASHLEIGH
I’ve gotten used to you wearing the face paint out in public. I’m just not particularly fond of your bitching.
PARODY
Can we just take a moment to talk about how great things went though? I actually didn’t bait Quari too much with my traditional mimicking behavior. I was hitting reversals. I was flying from the top. It was quite the adrenaline rush! I still haven’t come down from that high.
ASHLEIGH
What were you going on about earlier? You said someone approached you backstage while you were waiting on Quari and told you about this pay-per-view event?
PARODY
Yeah… while you were at the concessions eating your weight in snow cones.
ASHLEIGH
Gotta get my practice in with eating for two.
PARODY
Eh, I’ll accept that!
ASHLEIGH
Alright, so.. What did they say, babe?!
PARODY
I guess I really impressed Styles and Wright, because I’m actually going to be fighting for the OPW Youngblood Championship at Injustice -4- All!
ASHLEIGH
HOLY SHIT. This is going to be your first ever shot at gold!
PARODY
SHHHHHHH. DON’T SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA! They’re going to think I’m a huge scrub! She’s kidding, guys!!
ASHLEIGH
But no, really. This is your first shot at gold!
AND SPEAKING OF TROLLING… I’M GOING TO HAVE FUN AT THIS PAY-PER-VIEW!
Check this out. If fighting a self-proclaimed King wasn’t epicly laughable enough, next week I’m competing against a surfer and a drunken bastard that comes to the ring with a goat! I wanna pet the pretty little goat!!!
ASHLEIGH
Don’t get sidetracked! This isn’t a petting zoo, babe! It’s a professional wrestliiiiiiiii…. Actually, I can’t even say that much. Especially not with a straight face. It’s a circus! That’s what it is! OPW is a three-ring circus!
PERFECT PLACE FOR A CARNIE!
We’re all pretty damn gimmicky. But just having come out victorious from my first match, I’d say I have the edge! I have a PERFECT winning streak here in OPW!
NO, IT’S TRUE!
NEITHER of these men can claim that! I’m going into this one with so much momentum. While I was sitting pretty with you back at the house pondering over what I wanted to do with my life in preparation for our future baby boy…
ASHLEIGH
Ahem. Girl!
THE 2 TK’S HAVE BEEN AT EACHOTHERS’ THROATS!
Who’s better at being disillusioned? Who’s the better technical wrestler? Whose tactics make the crowd go wilder?
IT’S LIKE 2 KIDS TRYHARDING OVER WHO CAN MAKE THE BETTER SHELTER IN MINECRAFT!
And knowing these two children, it’s all for the namesake to be the better ‘TK’. I know what you’re probably thinking. The same thing my wife is thinking as she sits across from me right now….
AND YOU’RE RIGHT, I AM.
But only because I ate my pancakes too quickly. I think these two are so hell-bent and focused on outdoing the other that they’re going to bypass me completely. They’re not going to view me as the threat that I can be, maybe because I didn’t out-wrestle King Quari to my FULL potential, despite winning. Usually I’ll resort to doing exactly what my opposition did. Proving to be the BETTER version of ANY of my opponents…
And while I MAY NOT be a better beach bum than Knowles…
Because my skin burns so fuckin’ easily.
And while I MAY NOT be the best at training goats to high five while FITSHACED drunk like Kain…
Because… that’s just kind’ve weird..
BECAUSE FOR ONE NIGHT..
I’ll be Tommy Kain. I’ll be Tyler Knowles. And I’ll be THE PARODY. And when I’m in that ring overwhelming the both of them and countering everything they throw at me and turning ALL their moves around on them? Not only will the crowd be rooting for me the most. But those two are going to be questioning their importance. Questioning their existence here.
AND THE ANSWER IS A RESOUNDING HELL NO!
I'm the ONE man in this match willing to put his body on the line to outsmart, outwit and outplay my fellow competitors!
Trust me, fellas.
You guys are the ones with EVERYTHING to lose here. Me? Eventhough I have my perfect winning streak to lose, I’m not walking in as a champion. Nor am I walking in as a rival. I’m walking in a peon. A doormat. A piece of shit on the bottom of both their shoes.
ASHLEIGH
Alright, Katy Perry.
PARODY
Maybe when I become the OPW Youngblood Champion, I’ll sing to the belt about how it makes me feel like I’m living a teenage dream.
ASHLEIGH
….It really turns you on?
PARODY
A TITLE BELT?! Okay, I’m not a complete creep. But. I’m fighting two of them this week so I guess I must sink to their level in order to take advantage of this HUGE milestone and capture my FIRST EVER Championship! So with that said, fuckers.
ASHLEIGH
EXCEPT DISHES! HE SUCKS AT DOING THOSE!
PARODY
SHHHHHHHH!
..I asked, waiting for my opponent King Quari to pass me by backstage. Can ya believe I won my first professional wrestling match since returning from a decade long hiatus?!
PARODY
IS THAT HIM?!
ASHLEIGH
No, babe. That’s just a fan.
PARODY
It’s hard to tell at this point. I’ve got sweat and face paint in my freakin’ eyes!
ASHLEIGH
Well, you could’ve showered. You could’ve even walked over to the water fountain to cool down by now, Mr. Stubborn.
PARODY
I just wanted to be a good sport to King Quari. I figured maybe he’d be interested in a handshake. A dap. A pinky swear that we’d be best bros regardless whether he lost or not!
ASHLEIGH
Best bros?! Babe, you had never met that kid until tonight! He even made comments subliminally hinting that he was going to take me from you, remember? So fuck that noise! Stop wearin’ your heart on your sleeve for these acquaintances!
A HUGE GRIN WAS DEVELOPING ACROSS MY FACE. ASHLEIGH WAS GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT OF THIS WHOLE WRESTLING THING AGAIN AND IT WAS GREAT.
PARODY
Now this is the woman I love! The one that gets super fuckin’ pumped when her man succeeds!
ASHLEIGH
Don’t put your foot in your mouth!
PARODY
What do you mean, ya drama queen?!
ASHLEIGH
You basically just insisted that you didn’t love me before tonight! So has this whole thing just been a huge sham?! Does this wedding ring mean NOTHING to you?!
FOR A MOMENT, I FELT BAD ABOUT MY WORDING. I THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS, BECAUSE, YA KNOW… WOMEN. BUT THEN SHE STARTED TO LAUGH.
ASHLEIGH
I’m just fuckin’ with ya!
PARODY
Oh, you bitch!
WE LAUGHED AND SHARED A KISS.
PARODY
But yeah, any minute now they’re gonna be turning the lights out in this place, so I guess we can bail. Quari must’ve snuck out sometime in the last three hours..
ASHLEIGH
Babe, you’re aware that there’s more than one entry point to this arena, right?!
PARODY
Oh, so it’s a lot like you.
I WINKED AT HER, PINCHED HER ON THE BUTT AND WE WERE OUTTA THERE!
LATER THAT NIGHT
Damn, these are some good pancakes! And if I drizzle enough strawberry syrup over them, the red face paint dripping from my face just sorta blends right in! Makes it taste better too!
HELPS THE BITTER TASTE OF KING QUARI BEING A SORE FUCKIN' LOSER!
ASHLEIGH
That’s kind’ve on you for expecting ANYTHING positive from your fellow competitors.. and.. eating while wearing face paint, don’t ya think?!
PARODY
Awhhhh am I embarrassing you now, love bug?
ASHLEIGH
I’ve gotten used to you wearing the face paint out in public. I’m just not particularly fond of your bitching.
I ALMOST CHOKED ON MY NEXT BITE OF PANCAKES FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
PARODY
Can we just take a moment to talk about how great things went though? I actually didn’t bait Quari too much with my traditional mimicking behavior. I was hitting reversals. I was flying from the top. It was quite the adrenaline rush! I still haven’t come down from that high.
...ALTHOUGH. THAT WAS PROBABLY JUST A CONTACT HIGH AS QUARI SMELT EVEN MORE SKUNKY THAN JOHNNY STYLEZ HIMSELF.
ASHLEIGH
What were you going on about earlier? You said someone approached you backstage while you were waiting on Quari and told you about this pay-per-view event?
PARODY
Yeah… while you were at the concessions eating your weight in snow cones.
ASHLEIGH
Gotta get my practice in with eating for two.
PARODY
Eh, I’ll accept that!
ASHLEIGH
Alright, so.. What did they say, babe?!
PARODY
I guess I really impressed Styles and Wright, because I’m actually going to be fighting for the OPW Youngblood Championship at Injustice -4- All!
ASHLEIGH
HOLY SHIT. This is going to be your first ever shot at gold!
PARODY
SHHHHHHH. DON’T SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA! They’re going to think I’m a huge scrub! She’s kidding, guys!!
ASHLEIGH
But no, really. This is your first shot at gold!
DAMN, EVEN MY OWN WIFE TROLLS. SHE MUST GET IT FROM ME!
AND SPEAKING OF TROLLING… I’M GOING TO HAVE FUN AT THIS PAY-PER-VIEW!
Check this out. If fighting a self-proclaimed King wasn’t epicly laughable enough, next week I’m competing against a surfer and a drunken bastard that comes to the ring with a goat! I wanna pet the pretty little goat!!!
ASHLEIGH
Don’t get sidetracked! This isn’t a petting zoo, babe! It’s a professional wrestliiiiiiiii…. Actually, I can’t even say that much. Especially not with a straight face. It’s a circus! That’s what it is! OPW is a three-ring circus!
PERFECT PLACE FOR A CARNIE!
We’re all pretty damn gimmicky. But just having come out victorious from my first match, I’d say I have the edge! I have a PERFECT winning streak here in OPW!
SHE CRACKS UP LAUGHING. THE BITCH!!
NO, IT’S TRUE!
NEITHER of these men can claim that! I’m going into this one with so much momentum. While I was sitting pretty with you back at the house pondering over what I wanted to do with my life in preparation for our future baby boy…
ASHLEIGH
Ahem. Girl!
“MHMM.”
THE 2 TK’S HAVE BEEN AT EACHOTHERS’ THROATS!
Who’s better at being disillusioned? Who’s the better technical wrestler? Whose tactics make the crowd go wilder?
WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT?!
IT’S LIKE 2 KIDS TRYHARDING OVER WHO CAN MAKE THE BETTER SHELTER IN MINECRAFT!
And knowing these two children, it’s all for the namesake to be the better ‘TK’. I know what you’re probably thinking. The same thing my wife is thinking as she sits across from me right now….
YOU CALLED THEM KIDS?! KYLER, THAT'S THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK! YOU’RE CURRENTLY SITTING HERE TALKIN’ TO ME WITH A FACE FULL OF FACE PAINT AND A MOUTH FULL OF BEEF TIPS AND EGGS!
AND YOU’RE RIGHT, I AM.
But only because I ate my pancakes too quickly. I think these two are so hell-bent and focused on outdoing the other that they’re going to bypass me completely. They’re not going to view me as the threat that I can be, maybe because I didn’t out-wrestle King Quari to my FULL potential, despite winning. Usually I’ll resort to doing exactly what my opposition did. Proving to be the BETTER version of ANY of my opponents…
And while I MAY NOT be a better beach bum than Knowles…
Because my skin burns so fuckin’ easily.
And while I MAY NOT be the best at training goats to high five while FITSHACED drunk like Kain…
Because… that’s just kind’ve weird..
I AM the most AMBITIOUS.
BECAUSE FOR ONE NIGHT..
I’ll be Tommy Kain. I’ll be Tyler Knowles. And I’ll be THE PARODY. And when I’m in that ring overwhelming the both of them and countering everything they throw at me and turning ALL their moves around on them? Not only will the crowd be rooting for me the most. But those two are going to be questioning their importance. Questioning their existence here.
WITH THE PARODY HERE, DO THESE PEOPLE REALLY NEED ME???
AND THE ANSWER IS A RESOUNDING HELL NO!
I'm the ONE man in this match willing to put his body on the line to outsmart, outwit and outplay my fellow competitors!
DAMN, NOW I'M QUOTING THE SLOGAN FOR THE TV SHOW "SURVIVOR".
Trust me, fellas.
You guys are the ones with EVERYTHING to lose here. Me? Eventhough I have my perfect winning streak to lose, I’m not walking in as a champion. Nor am I walking in as a rival. I’m walking in a peon. A doormat. A piece of shit on the bottom of both their shoes.
BUT I’M COMIN AT’CHA LIKE A DARK HORSE.
ASHLEIGH
Alright, Katy Perry.
PARODY
Maybe when I become the OPW Youngblood Champion, I’ll sing to the belt about how it makes me feel like I’m living a teenage dream.
ASHLEIGH
….It really turns you on?
PARODY
A TITLE BELT?! Okay, I’m not a complete creep. But. I’m fighting two of them this week so I guess I must sink to their level in order to take advantage of this HUGE milestone and capture my FIRST EVER Championship! So with that said, fuckers.
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER. I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
ASHLEIGH
EXCEPT DISHES! HE SUCKS AT DOING THOSE!
PARODY
SHHHHHHHH!
AND WE’RE OUT!