Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2020 22:35:39 GMT -5
JUST FUCK HER ALREADY!
I recall walking through the backstage area last week after winning the OPW Youngblood Championship. I was so elated and ready to get the hell out of dodge so I could celebrate ‘the sexy way’ with my wife Ashleigh. I figured we’d get home, pull the whipped cream out of the refrigerator and run upstairs to see who could take the other’s clothes off the fastest!
BUT THERE WAS A DELAY
Because as we walked those halls, approaching the double doors of the arena with sex on the brain, we were halted by a fucking WALL of OPW backstage personnel and my fellow competitors. I told Ashleigh just to stand back for a second so I could see what the hell was going on…
ASHLEIGH
Wait, babe! You’ve gotta tell the story right!
KYLER
What do you mean I’ve got to tell the story right, woman?!
ASHLEIGH
I distinctly remember you putting me in the line of fire to ask what was going on! You were afraid you were going to be targeted for your belt!
KYLER
...I gotta remember to edit THAT part out!
ASHLEIGH
Too bad you’re on Youtube Live! Geez, for someone who wants to suddenly be a social media whore, you sure as hell have a lot to learn, babe!
KYLER
Alright, you win. Why don’t ya tell the good people what you were told was the reasoning for the commotion?!
ASHLEIGH
Everyone was lined up outside of the janitor’s closet, ready to pounce and applaud Ophelia Pain and Jayson Violence.
KYLER
Right, and at first, when you told me that, I figured everyone was lined up for a turn at Ophelia. For all I knew, she was taking her responsibility as the X-Core Champion quite literally! But it turns out.. Nothing happened?!
KYLER
So you mean to tell me we were fighting our way through the crowd to have sex… for NOTHING?! Ash, we should’ve forced our way in and showed ‘em how 7 Minutes in Heaven is ACTUALLY to be played!
KYLER
Normally I’m not one to discuss someone else’s personal business. I’m also not one to go out of my way to make others feel ashamed of themselves, because I myself have done some crazy shit.
KYLER
You’re thinking ‘We get it Kyler. She’s an attention whore. It’s practically her shtick.’ And well, up until the night of Injustice -4- All, I had no clue. I still wouldn’t had there not been a crowd of people waiting out in the hallway! And it personally pains me that I HAVE to talk about her and her shenanigans because I’m just another jabroni that’s giving her attention by having her name in my mouth. I’m giving her EXACTLY what she wants.
KYLER
But for the money? Fuck it, Youtube. Fuck it, OPW. As long as I’m getting paid to slut shame her and defeat her in the ring this coming week, I’ll do it.
OPHELIA PAIN reminds me of a girl that JUST got out of prison and would do ANYTHING to catch a dick between the legs.
ASHLEIGH
Damn, babe. Why must you go in so hard on her?! Play nice!
KYLER
As far as I’m concerned, we lost precious time that night! With that extra time we could’ve had, had it not been for the hold up, perhaps I would’ve had more time to spray a fancier whipped cream bra over your breasts before licking it off! Hell, who knows, we could’ve already been tapping into round 2 territory! But the MAIN REASON I’m frustrated…
KYLER
...Is because Ophelia Pain and myself BOTH made history at Injustice-4-All! We both won Championships! Can we just focus on that for a second?! My clumsy, still a little wet behind the ears ass won a TITLE! The man who folds laundry and washes dishes in his wrestling persona’s fact paint! Hell, sometimes I even wear the trunks!
ASHLEIGH
Come again. When you do WHAT?! When’s the last time you’ve done laundry?! When’s the last time you’ve done ANYTHING in the kitchen lately aside from damn near burning the house down trying to BROIL taco shells to warm them?!
KYLER
Well I didn’t know they’d catch on fire and shrivel into black fortune cookies! But anyway! Me, a total carnie kid in comparison to the polished veterans that flood the locker rooms of the OPW, defeated not one but two men to become a Champion! I’d like to think I even made a new friend in the process! Roger Wright came out and made the count for me as the fair, standup guy that he is!
ASHLEIGH
Are you sure you made a friend and that it’s not as simple as Roger DESPISING Tyler Knowles enough to cost him the Championship?!
KYLER
Shush, you! I made a new friend and I won a Championship! Making history not only for myself, as it was my first title ever, but also for the OPW as the LAST EVER Youngblood Champion! And Ophelia, as I mentioned a few moments ago, did the same when she became the LAST EVER X-Core Champion.
KYLER
I’m excited as fuck, guys! But to someone like Ophelia Pain? A wrestling title just isn’t enough. She may APPEAR to get all teary eyed over her newly won title, but the fact of the matter is she’s crying because she can’t get laid. She’s crying because when she found out she’d be fighting me, she knew her days with a title would be short lived. She’s crying because once our upcoming match is over, she’ll be knocked right back into obscurity.
KYLER
I told everyone I would be making HISTORY. I was ALREADY undefeated! And now I’m the last ever Youngblood Champion and soon to be the FIRST EVER OPW Pureblood Champion! I’m going to continue to clown on my opponents. I’m going to continue to mimic their wrestling styles. I’m going to continue to be the BETTER version of my opponents - because that’s what being The Parody is all about. And I’ve already gotten a GREAT headstart against Ophelia because regardless of how she taunts her opponents and what moves she decides to use, I know I’m walking into this match with a sense of PRIDE.
KYLER
Having a little pride isn’t always a HORRIBLE thing. I mean, looking at you and how you carry yourself, I KNOW you’re not concerned about the seven deadly sins to begin with. Pride is about self satisfaction. It’s about feeling good about yourself, for whatever reason. It’s about having a sense of accomplishment and knowing that you accomplished those things because you put your best foot forward and you looked GOOD doing it. Ophelia, you CAN’T feel confident about yourself at this point. You CAN’T look good at this point. It isn’t even possible. There’s no hitting the Rewind button and forgetting what you’ve done. You’ve buried your own career. You shoveled the dirt over something that could’ve been a beautiful thing. But you’re a flower that will never blossom.
KYLER
But this isn’t American Pie, Ophelia. It’s Outlaw Pro Wrestling. And I fit right in here, because say what you want, but I’m on a roll! I’m a bad, bad man! I’m a wanted man. A marked man. I’m a viable competitor to our rostermates. I’m a literal threat. I’ve made more history in just three weeks than most of those other jabronis have in all their years of wrestling - you included. Sure, that was a hell of a fight you put up to win the X-Core title, but where was the finesse? Where were the theatrics?
OPHELIA, allow me..
this coming Monday night, to show you HOW to carry yourself like a Champion.
Allow me
this coming Monday night, to show you how to put on the most AMAZING show for the fans.
ALLOW ME
to show you what the FIRST EVER Pureblood Champion looks like! Because that very moment you see me when I’m walking out from behind that curtain, with a face full of red, white and black paint you’ll be laying eyes on him! You’ll be laying eyes on your demise. Right now you just don’t know what to expect because your head isn’t in the game like mine is! You only see me as a young hopeful with a ‘dumb’ ring name.
Which, speaking of MY ring name and MY shtick...
I’m sorry to disappoint you but after running down your list of wrestling moves, this one that you call the ‘Broken Hearts Club’? Yeah, you’ll be keeping that one all to yourself, because I refuse to kiss a slut like you on the forehead, whether it be a a light one or full on with tongue action!
ASHLEIGH
Who kisses someone’s forehead with tongue?
KYLER
A slut! Ophelia, just remember, as much as I’m SCARED to admit this for the first time, given the type of woman YOU are..
ASHLEIGH
I’m sure she AT LEAST knows how to warm tacos the proper way though!
KYLER
She probably shoves them up her pu…
I recall walking through the backstage area last week after winning the OPW Youngblood Championship. I was so elated and ready to get the hell out of dodge so I could celebrate ‘the sexy way’ with my wife Ashleigh. I figured we’d get home, pull the whipped cream out of the refrigerator and run upstairs to see who could take the other’s clothes off the fastest!
And had our neighbors not been watching, they were going to know, by screams of pleasure alone, that I won my first ever wrestling title!
BUT THERE WAS A DELAY
Because as we walked those halls, approaching the double doors of the arena with sex on the brain, we were halted by a fucking WALL of OPW backstage personnel and my fellow competitors. I told Ashleigh just to stand back for a second so I could see what the hell was going on…
ASHLEIGH
Wait, babe! You’ve gotta tell the story right!
KYLER
What do you mean I’ve got to tell the story right, woman?!
ASHLEIGH
I distinctly remember you putting me in the line of fire to ask what was going on! You were afraid you were going to be targeted for your belt!
KYLER
...I gotta remember to edit THAT part out!
ASHLEIGH
Too bad you’re on Youtube Live! Geez, for someone who wants to suddenly be a social media whore, you sure as hell have a lot to learn, babe!
She rubs my back after throwing her jab, KNOWING I hate it when she does that! It feels more like a backHANDED compliment than an endearing massage.
KYLER
Alright, you win. Why don’t ya tell the good people what you were told was the reasoning for the commotion?!
ASHLEIGH
Everyone was lined up outside of the janitor’s closet, ready to pounce and applaud Ophelia Pain and Jayson Violence.
KYLER
Right, and at first, when you told me that, I figured everyone was lined up for a turn at Ophelia. For all I knew, she was taking her responsibility as the X-Core Champion quite literally! But it turns out.. Nothing happened?!
AWWW, THAT’S BORING!
KYLER
So you mean to tell me we were fighting our way through the crowd to have sex… for NOTHING?! Ash, we should’ve forced our way in and showed ‘em how 7 Minutes in Heaven is ACTUALLY to be played!
Ashleigh blushes.
KYLER
Normally I’m not one to discuss someone else’s personal business. I’m also not one to go out of my way to make others feel ashamed of themselves, because I myself have done some crazy shit.
BUT OPENLY getting turned down for sex for WEEKS at a time, again.. OPENLY for all the world to see seems a little TOO crazy.
KYLER
You’re thinking ‘We get it Kyler. She’s an attention whore. It’s practically her shtick.’ And well, up until the night of Injustice -4- All, I had no clue. I still wouldn’t had there not been a crowd of people waiting out in the hallway! And it personally pains me that I HAVE to talk about her and her shenanigans because I’m just another jabroni that’s giving her attention by having her name in my mouth. I’m giving her EXACTLY what she wants.
(Well, BESIDES my dick! I wouldn’t touch her cobweb infested vadge with a ten foot pole! Apparently Jayson agrees.)
KYLER
But for the money? Fuck it, Youtube. Fuck it, OPW. As long as I’m getting paid to slut shame her and defeat her in the ring this coming week, I’ll do it.
OPHELIA PAIN reminds me of a girl that JUST got out of prison and would do ANYTHING to catch a dick between the legs.
OPHELIA PAIN reminds me of a horny bridesmaid that NO ONE will touch - not even the crackhead cousin that has been known to fuck ANYTHING with a pulse.
OPHELIA PAIN reminds me of a three toed sloth. She’s ugly as fuck!
ASHLEIGH
Damn, babe. Why must you go in so hard on her?! Play nice!
KYLER
As far as I’m concerned, we lost precious time that night! With that extra time we could’ve had, had it not been for the hold up, perhaps I would’ve had more time to spray a fancier whipped cream bra over your breasts before licking it off! Hell, who knows, we could’ve already been tapping into round 2 territory! But the MAIN REASON I’m frustrated…
(Because believe me, Ashleigh and I DID make up for that lost time and much more!)
KYLER
...Is because Ophelia Pain and myself BOTH made history at Injustice-4-All! We both won Championships! Can we just focus on that for a second?! My clumsy, still a little wet behind the ears ass won a TITLE! The man who folds laundry and washes dishes in his wrestling persona’s fact paint! Hell, sometimes I even wear the trunks!
ASHLEIGH
Come again. When you do WHAT?! When’s the last time you’ve done laundry?! When’s the last time you’ve done ANYTHING in the kitchen lately aside from damn near burning the house down trying to BROIL taco shells to warm them?!
KYLER
Well I didn’t know they’d catch on fire and shrivel into black fortune cookies! But anyway! Me, a total carnie kid in comparison to the polished veterans that flood the locker rooms of the OPW, defeated not one but two men to become a Champion! I’d like to think I even made a new friend in the process! Roger Wright came out and made the count for me as the fair, standup guy that he is!
ASHLEIGH
Are you sure you made a friend and that it’s not as simple as Roger DESPISING Tyler Knowles enough to cost him the Championship?!
KYLER
Shush, you! I made a new friend and I won a Championship! Making history not only for myself, as it was my first title ever, but also for the OPW as the LAST EVER Youngblood Champion! And Ophelia, as I mentioned a few moments ago, did the same when she became the LAST EVER X-Core Champion.
…But it WON’T be goin’ out with a bang!
KYLER
I’m excited as fuck, guys! But to someone like Ophelia Pain? A wrestling title just isn’t enough. She may APPEAR to get all teary eyed over her newly won title, but the fact of the matter is she’s crying because she can’t get laid. She’s crying because when she found out she’d be fighting me, she knew her days with a title would be short lived. She’s crying because once our upcoming match is over, she’ll be knocked right back into obscurity.
But don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll STILL be all over your television set to make up for it. Chasing dick. While I continue to chase dreams!
KYLER
I told everyone I would be making HISTORY. I was ALREADY undefeated! And now I’m the last ever Youngblood Champion and soon to be the FIRST EVER OPW Pureblood Champion! I’m going to continue to clown on my opponents. I’m going to continue to mimic their wrestling styles. I’m going to continue to be the BETTER version of my opponents - because that’s what being The Parody is all about. And I’ve already gotten a GREAT headstart against Ophelia because regardless of how she taunts her opponents and what moves she decides to use, I know I’m walking into this match with a sense of PRIDE.
If Ophelia is watching this right now, she’s probably thinking, ‘Pride?! What in the world is that?!’
KYLER
Having a little pride isn’t always a HORRIBLE thing. I mean, looking at you and how you carry yourself, I KNOW you’re not concerned about the seven deadly sins to begin with. Pride is about self satisfaction. It’s about feeling good about yourself, for whatever reason. It’s about having a sense of accomplishment and knowing that you accomplished those things because you put your best foot forward and you looked GOOD doing it. Ophelia, you CAN’T feel confident about yourself at this point. You CAN’T look good at this point. It isn’t even possible. There’s no hitting the Rewind button and forgetting what you’ve done. You’ve buried your own career. You shoveled the dirt over something that could’ve been a beautiful thing. But you’re a flower that will never blossom.
Get it? I made a gardening joke about a woman who strives so badly just to get some ass.
KYLER
But this isn’t American Pie, Ophelia. It’s Outlaw Pro Wrestling. And I fit right in here, because say what you want, but I’m on a roll! I’m a bad, bad man! I’m a wanted man. A marked man. I’m a viable competitor to our rostermates. I’m a literal threat. I’ve made more history in just three weeks than most of those other jabronis have in all their years of wrestling - you included. Sure, that was a hell of a fight you put up to win the X-Core title, but where was the finesse? Where were the theatrics?
You’re too busy showcasing THOSE qualities outside of the wrestling ring.
OPHELIA, allow me..
this coming Monday night, to show you HOW to carry yourself like a Champion.
Allow me
this coming Monday night, to show you how to put on the most AMAZING show for the fans.
ALLOW ME
to show you what the FIRST EVER Pureblood Champion looks like! Because that very moment you see me when I’m walking out from behind that curtain, with a face full of red, white and black paint you’ll be laying eyes on him! You’ll be laying eyes on your demise. Right now you just don’t know what to expect because your head isn’t in the game like mine is! You only see me as a young hopeful with a ‘dumb’ ring name.
Which, speaking of MY ring name and MY shtick...
I’m sorry to disappoint you but after running down your list of wrestling moves, this one that you call the ‘Broken Hearts Club’? Yeah, you’ll be keeping that one all to yourself, because I refuse to kiss a slut like you on the forehead, whether it be a a light one or full on with tongue action!
ASHLEIGH
Who kisses someone’s forehead with tongue?
KYLER
A slut! Ophelia, just remember, as much as I’m SCARED to admit this for the first time, given the type of woman YOU are..
ANYTHING you can do, I can do better!
I can do ANYTHING better than you!
I can do ANYTHING better than you!
(…Except, in this case, who would want to?!)
ASHLEIGH
I’m sure she AT LEAST knows how to warm tacos the proper way though!
KYLER
She probably shoves them up her pu…
The Youtube Live broadcast ends abruptly. Not that you wanted to hear or think about that last thought anyway.