Post by coolrifletk47 on May 2, 2020 20:45:14 GMT -5
(The newly christened Wanna Bang OHHHHHHHH made its way down the highways and biways of the these United States. In the driver seat wearing a furry hooded cloak straight out of those Games with the Thrones, wearing a long haired black wig and sporting some facial hair that appears to have been done with a black sharpie is Good ol' Tommy Kain himself. In the co pilot chair sat the proud War King of Dubai sporting a Royal Blue jumpsuit and cape combination very reminiscent of one Memphis born Ruler of Rock and Roll. In the rear of the vehicle slept none other than the duos best friend in life, the being known as GOAT.)
Dude, we are totally killin it we are like if they crossed Road Trip, all the Cannon Ball runs, and a fake shark away from Smokey and the Bandit part two.
Which is an extremely underrated Burt Reynolds film.
Abso fuckin lutely MC pee pants. I mean Gator, the Longest Yard, that deal where he was a master of edged weapons and kills a dude with a credit card. All classics but Smokey part two…….that is like cinematic heroin.
It weaves its way into your visual pores and grabs a hold of the windpipe of your soul and squeezes it until your eyes roll away, go white, and extrude from your skull.
Ummmmmm, yeah Peepers, somethin like that. By the way, have we talked about ummmm maybe working your way out of that dark place where your head lives. I mean you spent twenty minutes explaining how to torture and kill that truck driver who cut us in line at the roadside Arby’s. Then another twenty minutes on how to chop the dude up and spread him out across several Whole Foods dumpsters.
Well I tried to keep it simple based on your lack of experience in those matters.
Well thanks, I think. But maybe We can work on making that NOT your first instinct.
Asking a Zebra to wear spots generally proves to be unwise.
Peeps, I have less than zero idea what you are getting at but you should know….
A spotted Zebra would kick ten types of ass.
Thomas, you may be right. I will let you know after some tests.
What?
Oh nothing,
(The awkward silence in the Wanna Bang Ohhhhhh is almost deafening until The War King of Dubai realizes his faux pas and quickly changes the subject.)
So Thomas, do you plan on continuing to drive the whole way to Allentown without telling me why I am wearing a sequins jumpsuit complete with tassels and you are wearing a fur Coat and walking around with a giant sword.
Well don’t forget GOAT and his pressed dress shirt, tie, and red suspenders.
Surely I couldn’t possibly overlook that Thomas. Now again, can you be troubled so much to tell me why we are clad in these wardrobes?
(Suddenly and without warning, Kain brings the Wanna Bang Ohhhh to a complete stop and just stares at the stretch of highway in front of him. His eyes wide, his pupils dilated. Like a less cartoon version of Large Marge from the cinematic classic Pee Wee’s big Adventure.
Without ever averting his gaze from the road Kain begins to speak.)
Why? Why? WHY?!!!!
WHY ARE WE CLAAAAAD IN THESE WARDROBES!!!!
I mean what are we even doing here on in this beautiful representation of modern automotive machinery? You know P-Nut, you are the smartest man I have ever met. And keep it in your head that I met three Jeopardy runner ups and a dude that punched a guy for taking a second spin after getting 85 cents on that Price is Right wheel.
But how could this attire be anymore obvious?
You are obviously dressed up like the KING of Rock and Roll, the man who basically made January the 8th a global holiday, Elvis Aaron Presley. As for me, well I am most certainly dressed as none other than the Auntie bangin, Dragon Ridin, KING of the ever lovin’ North, Jon Sniggity Snow.
And GOAT, well GOAT had to pick last and he got what was left.
And who is he supposed to be Thomas?
Sheesh Pierre, really? The suspenders, the Tie, the nasally voice,…..
He is clearly the question askin, camera muggin, Icon of Interviewing…… Larry KING
(Pierre’s gaze quickly turned from puzzled to slightly, knowingly annoyed)
And since your opponent this week is a gentlemen who calls himself King Quari, you felt this was appropriate?
Well duhhhh, except I think you are pronouncing HILARIOUS wrong. I mean look at us. We could literally walk into any place in the world and people would definitely know exactly who we were. Old or young, smart or Tyler Knowles, entertaining or Roger Wright. Which is so much more than I can say for the guy on this week’s menu.
And by the way, before we take our journey onward, just know, that jumpsuit looks fantastic on you, royal blue is a killer color for you and that Keto diet you have been on is working wonders.
(Pierre gives himself a quick look in the passenger side rear view mirror and tries to hide a smirk.)
I have definitely worn garments that look worse than this. And Elvis was reasonably popular in Dubai. I once considered dabbling in popular music years ago, but I had a falling out with my representation.
Oh yeah, what happened?
He questioned my vision and creative expression.
So I questioned his necessity to breathe and have a head that was attached to the rest of his body.
Aaaaaanddd there it is again, the Peanut Butter that I know and love. But seriously, we need to get you into see somebody sooner than later little brother.
But any who, Pierre I need you to hold this camcorder. Because you, me, GOAT, and everybody we meet from now until….well for now, are going to be on our own version of MTV’s ROAD RULES.
And what might that mean Thomas.
Okay, honestly, I don’t remember. I know there were rules, and confessional videos, and some deal where you weren’t supposed to acknowledge the camera. I may have even been on an episode, I really don’t remember. But this is our deal now, so you hold the camera, I will comment on our adventures and then I will hold camera and you and GOAT can tell a cool story, hopefully about a time you didn’t maim an entire kitchen staff at a local five star restaurant.
Then we will send those videos to OPW and they will pay us. And we can use that money to get us back on our feet.
Easy to the peasy.
Now take this camera and start rollin, I am feeling a bit of a rant coming on concerning this week’s wrasslin gig.
OutLaw Professional Wrestling, Ladies and gentlemen, bastards and Tramps, bloodsuckers, motherfuckers, road trash and vamps, to the queer and the strange out there in television land and on the stage, to the violent and the malevolent, and those seeking a grave, welcome to THE MISFIT’S OF WRESTLING RULES OF THE ROAD!
Big ups to my boy Julian Slink for the intro, I have always wanted to say that and damn if this wasn’t the perfect time.
So this week in the Outlaw Professional Wrestling ring I have been asked to do a favor for one of the bosses of the OPW, the one and only leader of the Syndicate, Johnny Styles.
That favor is to put a hurting on a man who goes by the name of King Hippo.
King Quari
That’s what I said, King Kong. Anyway, King, before I verbally bust your guts open and watch you die, I want you to know that I have no intention of giving you the ol’ Valente special. Because you, well you are an actual fighter, you actually belong in a wrestling ring.
You don’t irritate me just by breathing air and sharing a planet with me so I have no intention of trying to maim you for Johnny, for the Wrasslin’ Gods, or for the fun of it.
But all that being said, I do intend to beat you like you stole something and tried to return it for twice the price. Because honestly, while I have already said you are good, I don’t think you are half as good as you have convinced yourself you are.
You see you show up on the camera and you smile with a grill full of confidence and two eyes shining like the world is your fucking oyster my friend. And a guy like you probably looks at me as some old, drunk, has been or never was who you will step over to get to some new summit, some new Olympus.
But the fact of the matter is you are just a boy who found some wax wings and decided to fly wayyyyyyy too close to the sun.
You came in and you decided that running your mouth to a guy like Johnny was a good idea. It got you some attention, showed the world that you didn’t respect anybody or anything.
Problem with that strategy Sunshine, is that I already wrote that book and it didn’t really need any new content.
But now you have a problem and I am gonna need you to focus up for a week. Not like last week. Last week you lost to a dude who you outclassed in every way. Real bush league move on your part.
You took your eyes off the ball and the ball overwhelmed you with it’s SMALL PACKAGE.
But this week, you take your eyes off the ball and the ball with blow your brains through the back of your overinflated skull.
See King Quarantine, If I am gonna spend a week in Pennsylvania breaking Social Distancing I have to make sure it is worth my while. So I am gonna put you down for the count or I am gonna twist you up in such a way that you will either tap out, pass out, or hand the referee a revolver and beg him to end your misery.
I am gonna beat ya King Queefi, but I am not gonna try and take food off your plate. I am not gonna try to put you on the shelf.
If Johnny wants you put out to pasture.
He’s gonna have to be a big boy and do that himself.
Dude, we are totally killin it we are like if they crossed Road Trip, all the Cannon Ball runs, and a fake shark away from Smokey and the Bandit part two.
Which is an extremely underrated Burt Reynolds film.
Abso fuckin lutely MC pee pants. I mean Gator, the Longest Yard, that deal where he was a master of edged weapons and kills a dude with a credit card. All classics but Smokey part two…….that is like cinematic heroin.
It weaves its way into your visual pores and grabs a hold of the windpipe of your soul and squeezes it until your eyes roll away, go white, and extrude from your skull.
Ummmmmm, yeah Peepers, somethin like that. By the way, have we talked about ummmm maybe working your way out of that dark place where your head lives. I mean you spent twenty minutes explaining how to torture and kill that truck driver who cut us in line at the roadside Arby’s. Then another twenty minutes on how to chop the dude up and spread him out across several Whole Foods dumpsters.
Well I tried to keep it simple based on your lack of experience in those matters.
Well thanks, I think. But maybe We can work on making that NOT your first instinct.
Asking a Zebra to wear spots generally proves to be unwise.
Peeps, I have less than zero idea what you are getting at but you should know….
A spotted Zebra would kick ten types of ass.
Thomas, you may be right. I will let you know after some tests.
What?
Oh nothing,
(The awkward silence in the Wanna Bang Ohhhhhh is almost deafening until The War King of Dubai realizes his faux pas and quickly changes the subject.)
So Thomas, do you plan on continuing to drive the whole way to Allentown without telling me why I am wearing a sequins jumpsuit complete with tassels and you are wearing a fur Coat and walking around with a giant sword.
Well don’t forget GOAT and his pressed dress shirt, tie, and red suspenders.
Surely I couldn’t possibly overlook that Thomas. Now again, can you be troubled so much to tell me why we are clad in these wardrobes?
(Suddenly and without warning, Kain brings the Wanna Bang Ohhhh to a complete stop and just stares at the stretch of highway in front of him. His eyes wide, his pupils dilated. Like a less cartoon version of Large Marge from the cinematic classic Pee Wee’s big Adventure.
Without ever averting his gaze from the road Kain begins to speak.)
Why? Why? WHY?!!!!
WHY ARE WE CLAAAAAD IN THESE WARDROBES!!!!
I mean what are we even doing here on in this beautiful representation of modern automotive machinery? You know P-Nut, you are the smartest man I have ever met. And keep it in your head that I met three Jeopardy runner ups and a dude that punched a guy for taking a second spin after getting 85 cents on that Price is Right wheel.
But how could this attire be anymore obvious?
You are obviously dressed up like the KING of Rock and Roll, the man who basically made January the 8th a global holiday, Elvis Aaron Presley. As for me, well I am most certainly dressed as none other than the Auntie bangin, Dragon Ridin, KING of the ever lovin’ North, Jon Sniggity Snow.
And GOAT, well GOAT had to pick last and he got what was left.
And who is he supposed to be Thomas?
Sheesh Pierre, really? The suspenders, the Tie, the nasally voice,…..
He is clearly the question askin, camera muggin, Icon of Interviewing…… Larry KING
(Pierre’s gaze quickly turned from puzzled to slightly, knowingly annoyed)
And since your opponent this week is a gentlemen who calls himself King Quari, you felt this was appropriate?
Well duhhhh, except I think you are pronouncing HILARIOUS wrong. I mean look at us. We could literally walk into any place in the world and people would definitely know exactly who we were. Old or young, smart or Tyler Knowles, entertaining or Roger Wright. Which is so much more than I can say for the guy on this week’s menu.
And by the way, before we take our journey onward, just know, that jumpsuit looks fantastic on you, royal blue is a killer color for you and that Keto diet you have been on is working wonders.
(Pierre gives himself a quick look in the passenger side rear view mirror and tries to hide a smirk.)
I have definitely worn garments that look worse than this. And Elvis was reasonably popular in Dubai. I once considered dabbling in popular music years ago, but I had a falling out with my representation.
Oh yeah, what happened?
He questioned my vision and creative expression.
So I questioned his necessity to breathe and have a head that was attached to the rest of his body.
Aaaaaanddd there it is again, the Peanut Butter that I know and love. But seriously, we need to get you into see somebody sooner than later little brother.
But any who, Pierre I need you to hold this camcorder. Because you, me, GOAT, and everybody we meet from now until….well for now, are going to be on our own version of MTV’s ROAD RULES.
And what might that mean Thomas.
Okay, honestly, I don’t remember. I know there were rules, and confessional videos, and some deal where you weren’t supposed to acknowledge the camera. I may have even been on an episode, I really don’t remember. But this is our deal now, so you hold the camera, I will comment on our adventures and then I will hold camera and you and GOAT can tell a cool story, hopefully about a time you didn’t maim an entire kitchen staff at a local five star restaurant.
Then we will send those videos to OPW and they will pay us. And we can use that money to get us back on our feet.
Easy to the peasy.
Now take this camera and start rollin, I am feeling a bit of a rant coming on concerning this week’s wrasslin gig.
OutLaw Professional Wrestling, Ladies and gentlemen, bastards and Tramps, bloodsuckers, motherfuckers, road trash and vamps, to the queer and the strange out there in television land and on the stage, to the violent and the malevolent, and those seeking a grave, welcome to THE MISFIT’S OF WRESTLING RULES OF THE ROAD!
Big ups to my boy Julian Slink for the intro, I have always wanted to say that and damn if this wasn’t the perfect time.
So this week in the Outlaw Professional Wrestling ring I have been asked to do a favor for one of the bosses of the OPW, the one and only leader of the Syndicate, Johnny Styles.
That favor is to put a hurting on a man who goes by the name of King Hippo.
King Quari
That’s what I said, King Kong. Anyway, King, before I verbally bust your guts open and watch you die, I want you to know that I have no intention of giving you the ol’ Valente special. Because you, well you are an actual fighter, you actually belong in a wrestling ring.
You don’t irritate me just by breathing air and sharing a planet with me so I have no intention of trying to maim you for Johnny, for the Wrasslin’ Gods, or for the fun of it.
But all that being said, I do intend to beat you like you stole something and tried to return it for twice the price. Because honestly, while I have already said you are good, I don’t think you are half as good as you have convinced yourself you are.
You see you show up on the camera and you smile with a grill full of confidence and two eyes shining like the world is your fucking oyster my friend. And a guy like you probably looks at me as some old, drunk, has been or never was who you will step over to get to some new summit, some new Olympus.
But the fact of the matter is you are just a boy who found some wax wings and decided to fly wayyyyyyy too close to the sun.
You came in and you decided that running your mouth to a guy like Johnny was a good idea. It got you some attention, showed the world that you didn’t respect anybody or anything.
Problem with that strategy Sunshine, is that I already wrote that book and it didn’t really need any new content.
But now you have a problem and I am gonna need you to focus up for a week. Not like last week. Last week you lost to a dude who you outclassed in every way. Real bush league move on your part.
You took your eyes off the ball and the ball overwhelmed you with it’s SMALL PACKAGE.
But this week, you take your eyes off the ball and the ball with blow your brains through the back of your overinflated skull.
See King Quarantine, If I am gonna spend a week in Pennsylvania breaking Social Distancing I have to make sure it is worth my while. So I am gonna put you down for the count or I am gonna twist you up in such a way that you will either tap out, pass out, or hand the referee a revolver and beg him to end your misery.
I am gonna beat ya King Queefi, but I am not gonna try and take food off your plate. I am not gonna try to put you on the shelf.
If Johnny wants you put out to pasture.
He’s gonna have to be a big boy and do that himself.