Post by Deleted on May 12, 2020 1:12:46 GMT -5
(¯´•._.• pคR໐໓ฯ •._.•´¯)
...IN...
"Leave Your Husband at Home Day"
"Leave Your Husband at Home Day"
Cue Vanessa Carlton!
Just a day, just an.. Ordinary day!
RECORD SCRATCH!
PARODY
Hey, Ash?!
ASHLEIGH
What is it, Kyler?!
I notice my lovely wife sweeping up hair, whistling Dixie as it’s obvious that she’s enjoying her new… job? Yeah. I’m perplexed.
PARODY
I thought you said you cut hair for a living?!
ASHLEIGH
You wanna know why you thought that, Ky?
PARODY
Maybe beeeeeecause you work at a hair salon?!
ASHLEIGH
Wrong! Because you never freakin’ listen to me!
PARODY
I come up here to make your workday tolerable.. And this is how you treat me?! Like a dog?! Beaten by Michael Vick himself?!
ASHLEIGH
No.. I’ll leave the beatings for your opponents! Lord knows you’ve been on the receiving end of enough of those lately!
PARODY
Hence the temporary name change! I’m a Paradox!
ASHLEIGH
You’re something alright!
I had noticed several ladies walking into the salon, and after seeing me with a face full of red, black and white paint, turning around and walking right back out that door!
ASHLEIGH
And right now you’re messing with our business!
PARODY
Nonsense! Allow me to be part of the entertainment!
ASHLEIGH
What… are you about to do with that laptop?! Tyler, don’t you dare get on Facebook Live! You’re going to embarrass me and make me lose my damn job! Which, mind you, I applied for solely because you’ve been losing!
PARODY
How many times are you gonna rub that in my face?!
ASHLEIGH
I THINK I’ve got it all out of my system until next week!
YEP… Definitely about to embarrass my wife in front of her co-workers!
PARODY
Hey! Yeah, you! The young lady sitting under the hair dryer! Lookin’ like you’re about to be sent up into space!
ASHLEIGH
KYLER!!!!!!!
I take a seat beside the random customer and begin to show off my Youtube channel with all of my promos and funny moments with Ashleigh leading up to this point.
CUSTOMER
….What even are you?!
PARODY
Well! It’s PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that you haven’t been homeschooled properly during this whole COVID-19 thing! Ya can’t even read! Look at my faptop! I mean… My laptop!
ASHLEIGH
He means faptop…
CUSTOMER
I graduated a year ago..
PARODY
PHEW! I’m kind’ve relieved.
ASHLEIGH
Alright, Kyler. Get back over here!
PARODY
NO! Hey, you! Check out this video!
CUSTOMER
Uh… my name is Kelsey.
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!
PARODY
Cool story, sis. Alright, now watch the damn video!
CUSTOMER
It’s.. just you damn near burning your house down trying to cook. What’s the significance?!
PARODY
Oh, look at you graduatin’ class of 2019! You’re pulling out the big words now! I’ll tell you what the significance is - It’s entertaining!
CUSTOMER
Is it though?!
PARODY
You must be one of those squares..
A.K.A. an Ophelia Pain fan.
PARODY
I’ll come back to you later! Some fresh meat has just entered the building!
I approach an elderly lady walking into the hair salon with an N-99 mask on. Ashleigh reaches out for my arm in an attempt to pull me back but, y’know…
I BE’S STRONGER, BIATCH!
CUSTOMER #2
You ARE aware that a bunch of gawdy face paint isn’t a good substitute to a proper face mask?!
PARODY
Who pissed in YOUR corn flakes?! That’s how you greet somebody!
ASHLEIGH
KYLER! Shush! Ma’am, take a seat right over here! Heather will be with you shortly!
PARODY
But while you wait for her….
BAM! Networking FTW! Although I’m quite sure that this old geezer probably doesn’t even know what Youtube is! The way she is looking at my laptop with confusion written all across her face says it all.
CUSTOMER #2
….This isn’t social distancing.
PARODY
Neither is having someone rub their fingers all through your hair, occasionally snip-snapping away with scissors and stroking your ego by telling you you’re the greatest grandmother there is and what the pastor’s daughter at your local church has to say about you doesn’t matter!
BLINK. BLINK. BLINK.
ASHLEIGH
Ky, babe. What’s the point in all of this?!
PARODY
I want everyone to realize how amazing an entertainer and pro-wrestler I am!
ASHLEIGH
Are you sure these people are in your target demographic?!
PARODY
Well.. maybe the older ladies can tell their grandkids about Outlaw Pro Wrestling? But beyond that, ANYONE could appreciate the way I buried Ophelia Pain in my promo two weeks ago!
ASHLEIGH
You did. But you fumbled.
PARODY
ASH! You’re doin’ it again!
ASHLEIGH
Oh shit! Sorry!
PARODY
Heather just finished up a hair cut. You wanna sweep up that hair and mind your damn business?!
ASHLEIGH
I’m never bringing you to work with me again!
PARODY
That’s fine. Watching you sweep up hair isn’t very flattering. At least add a little finesse to it! Shake your tailfeather a little bit! And speaking of shaking ones’ tailfeather..
What the hell is up with this 80’s music?! Does Damon RIggs own this place?!
ASHLEIGH
If he did, he’d probably take care of you and put you out of your misery, ya pro-wrestling novice! You’re vulnerable at the moment anyway so it wouldn’t take much effort!
PARODY
Bitch, please! So I had a temporary meltdown. Big deal. My ‘fumbling’ as you referred to it as a sec ago was the result of Scotty Adams sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. I was so close to becoming the first ever OPW Pureblood Champion. But Ophelia Pain got assistance. She had help to beat me. That’s the only way that genital wart with legs and DSL’s could ever beat me - we all know that!
ASHLEIGH
Damn, someone was lookin’ mad close at her lips, no?!
PARODY
Well, someone has to! Jayson Violence sure as hell isn’t. Dude keeps leading her on, boosting his own ego in the process of pushing Ophelia off every time she tries to completely seal the deal with him. That’s good reason to have a Parody-style meltdown as well.
V.I.O.L.E.N.C.E, anyone?
PARODY
Poor Pheely. Because now she will NEVER get laid. Unless, that is, ya sneak it into her real quick like before Showcase. Your annoying ass is just the stepping stone I need to return back to THE PARODY.
But right now? I’m simply a fuckin’ paradox. Thanks to the actions of Jayson Violence and Scotty Adams.
PARODY
I’ll be redeeming myself in a triple threat against Scotty Adams and Jayson Violence and I’m realizing that this is my chance at retribution. I’m going to do everything in my power - even if I have to lose via disqualification for hitting both you guys with every weapon I can get my hands on. You’re both x-core division specialists, correct?! That’s the only thing ‘hardcore’ about Jayson Violence.
ALRIGHT. Enough about bashing Jayson’s sex life. Dodging Ophelia Pain is actually very wise.
PARODY
Ya can’t even lightly tap her on the shoulder without feeling a tingle in your groin region. And knowing these two idiots more than likely ran a train that probably consisted of ten other wrestlers, men AND women, this revenge fight of sorts is going to be the scariest thing I’ve done since this whole COVID-19 pandemic.
BUT IF IT MEANS KICKING BOTH THEIR ASSES AND PROVING THAT I’M THE BETTER MAN, SIGN ME UP TO GET THAT SHIT!
ASHLEIGH
Kyler! Don’t say that!
PARODY
Hey, Ash! Ya missed a few hairs! I see black on the light brown hardwood floor!
ASHLEIGH
Fuck off!
PARODY
Jayson Violence. Scotty Adams. I’m done wasting my breath on you tired jabronis! I’m going to rock both your socks off - steal your taunts, steal your moves, steal your fans AND steal a win! And before ya know it, I will have MY Pureblood Championship around MY waist! Where it would be right now if it weren’t for BOTH of you assholes!
Jayson, you’re simply guilty by puss-ociation.
JUST REMEMBER. ANYTHING Y’ALL CAN DO.. I CAN DO BETTER. I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!