Post by scottyadams on Jul 1, 2020 23:48:25 GMT -5
Date: 25/6/2020
Location: Auburn, Alabama
---
(There aren't many moments where I can look in a mirror and say that I have truly accomplished a misson. Stated a message in this industry any more. Some of that is owing to having been there and done that, but some of that is also owing to knowing that deep down, as much as I want to. As much as I wish it were so, I really *haven't* accomplished a true sense of nivarna.
Either inside or outside of the ring. Nor have I truly gotten to a point where I can say I can truly be *content* with what I have achieved. Although, that might be because I am never content with my in-ring performance.
To me, contentment will *always* lead to complanency - the worst state one can be in, which leads to me always finding something to nitpick.
Something that I can improve in. Both in terms of wrestling and my own psychology. No matter how miniscule that thing might be. Whether it's my approach or my execution.
If I make even the slightest of missteps, I zero in on it and ensure that it *doesn't* occur again - or at least, design it so that I don't put myself in positions where it could potentially happen again.
For even I understand there are components that even *I* cannot control. That even I cannot bend to my very whim, as much as I try. As much as I desire.
I am not onmipotent. I am not a divine entity; nor do I claim to be. I never have claimed to be a divine entity. That's just how people have precieved my statements. How they portray the canvas that I have laid before them. If that is what they believe, then it is on them.
For I am not here to attempt to change that. Or even to try and mold their beliefs to mirror my own - I am only here to do what is best for the industry. What the shining light of the temple requires of me. The desires of the purity embedded in wrestling's roots. Just as I always have.
Anyway, I sit atop my sofa, just looking blankly. Almost as if I am in some sort of trance-like stage at the pictures flickering across the Television currently, as Bianca sits next to me. Lucina on her lap. I don't know what exactly it is on the screen - much like I don't know the best manner in which to explain how the previous few months have been for me, in terms of my own failures.
My own missteps when it comes to having my head on a swivel; allowing people to blind me. To make me detour away from the end game. To impede, what is truly desired.
In the case of the Television, however, the ambient colour schemes and more 'light-hearted' atmosphere lend themselves to this program being more of a children's show. As does the fact that Bianca has it on whilst Lucina is awake, alert; on her lap. It's easy and gives Lucina something to do instead of just sitting in her chair or laying in her cot all day.
Keeps her entertained and engaged too - either the shows on TV or the 4 boxes of children's oriented DVDs that we have.
DVDs which would otherwise be collecting dust in the spare room. Neither of us wishing to sell them, but also knowing we would have no use for them if it weren't for Lucina.)
Bianca: Babe?
(I continue to stare at the screen, feeling myself almost hooked into the world portrayed through the screen. Or at least, the farmhouse that the 'host' - or at least, the person I'm assuming *is* the host, is standing in front of. Wearing overalls and jeans, so as to resemble a typical farmer.)
Bianca: Babeee?
(Elongating the 'e', she waves her hand in front of my face. Attempting to attain my attention as I continue to stare forward. Though I do slightly look across as her hand waves in front of my line of sight.)
"Yes?"
Bianca: Oh, you *are* alive.
(I slightly laugh.)
"Huh?"
(She slightly smiles at me, as Lucina lets out a small giggle. Clearly entertained by something on the screen.)
Bianca: Thought you were dead. You were just staring at the screen.
(I laugh.)
"Oh. Nah, I was just thinking about things."
(As soon as I finish saying 'things', Bianca interjects, slightly nudging me.)
Bianca: Wrestling?
(I simply nod.
She knew.
I've been trying to keep wrestling and personal life separate. Trying not to have the 2 intertwine, so as not to put her or Lucina in danger, or cause Millie or Chilli to relapse and fall back into the grasp of the abyss. As much as Jayson Violence's acts of a few months ago fractured that.
As much as Bianca knew that most of my time alone on the porch was not 'mere reflection' as I had claimed. But rather, was a means for me to discuss. To paint the canvas for whoever it was that I would be facing any particular week - much as Bianca had done at her own home when she competed in the ring.)
~~~Where do I do next? What do I do from here?~~~
(This thought floats into my head, as I somply stare at Bianca. Notcing her understanding yet knowing expression. As if she had known from the start that as much as I had told her.
As much as I had portrayed to even myself that the 2 realms would not merge - the walls were *always* gonna crumble. That at some point, it was going to be inevitable that they would merge.
At least to some extent. Denying that, was merely fooling myself. As I stated earlier, I'm no diety. I'm no god; nor have I ever been. Nor will I ever be.)
Bianca: I understand.
(I nod. Thankful.)
"Thanks. I know --- It's just, I know at the same time: this isn't your fight. I know this is a fight that I *willingly* brought upon myself, when I came back. When I resumed the quest of bringing the purity. The light back into the halls."
(Placing her right finger over her pursed lips, she cuts me off.)
Bianca: Babe, you know that your fights are my fights. That we're in this together.
"I know."
Bianca: Soo ---
(I slightly smile at her. I know the exact mind game she is playing. It's one that I taught her. She is attempting to lure me in, so that she can admit she is right. That I should *never* have tried to balance the 2 portions as seperate entity, but rather as part of one whole. Which is whar they *always* were. Yet she doesn't even need the trick.
For I have already confessed that to myself. That is why I was staring at the TV bkankly. Devoid of any sense of the world around me. It had gotten to me. It had worn me down to the point where I was asking myself 'was it worth it?'. Was the purity, worth the turmoil?)
"You're right. This is *our* battle. I should have never attempted to mask you from the realm. I should have never tried to keep the door shuttered."
(Bianca beams, slightly placing a kiss on my lips.)
Bianca: Good.
(She pauses, pondering whether to reveal to me that she had been keeping an eye on OPW. More specifically, on me. Behind my back - yet realising that I more than likely already - and do - knew. Or well, know. For as much as my mind has been scrambled in its thoughts.
As much as everything has been a haze, I still have my senses. I have still seen the history on her laptop when I have borrowed it to send my own emails. Seen her searches for OPW and Showcase. More specifically, my matches.
So that she can understand the current battleground. The current opposition that stands before me. I don't blame her for doing so. I would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. Much for the same reason she has done so.)
"It's okay. I figured you had."
(Surprised, Bianca slightly stammers.)
Bianca: How did you ---
"I've seen the internet history. It's fine babe - I would have done the same thing."
(She shakes her head.)
Bianca: No. I meant how did you know *that* is what I was thinking about.
(I softly laugh.)
"Sixth sense."
(She smiles. Gently placing her hand within my own, she shoots me a puppy dog sort of look. One, that is almost a request for me to tell her just what it is that is ailing me. That is causing my mind to clog up and feel hazy.)
~~~Where do I need to be; how do I get there?~~~
(Letting out a soft sigh, I simply shake my head. Not because I don't *want* to tell her. But because honestly - I don't know the best way to tell her. For right now, things are almost spinning like wheels stuck in the place. Moving neither forward or backward; no sense of how they are to free themselves.
Yes, some might say I'm facing Xavier Wolf this week.
The man who following his defeat or Anika Swan, holds power and control over the world champion. Much like the power he weilds as a syndicate member. As the person who brought them Anika in the first place.
Wouldn't that be progression? Wouldn't that be moving forward? Didn't I claim a semblance of revenge against one of the men who had diverted my path? Didn't I begin planting the seeds for a maelstrom that is arising?
The answer to both is yes, but is it moving forward, or merely a call for a directional sense? Xavier Wolf might hold power. He might be a man with nothing to lose. A man looking to burn the family that burnt him - yet I have no reason to fight him. There is nothing I gain from this bout.)
"Xavier. I understand. I know how much it hurts to be betrayed. I know how much it hurts to have the dagger driven through your heart; those who you thoughts you would die for, become the very ones to lead you into the passage of the abyss."
(The words floating from my mouth, Bianca slightly looks at me, her eyes telling the story. She knows *exactly* what I'm talking about. The story I am referring to. A story that maybe one day, I shall reveal to the world. Yet now is not that time. Tilting her head back downwards, she cradles a now sleeping Lucina in her arms.)
"I've been there before. Just as I know what it is like, to feel love. To know that there is a supporting system, no matter what your supposed 'family'. Your supposed brotherhood wishes to believe of said person."
(Hearing those words, Bianca queries.)
Bianca: Do you mean me? Did your family not approve of me or something?
(I shake my head.)
"No. You know this. The person I am referring to is a story I have never told. A chapter, I have never laid before the world. Yet it is one that holds my fabric. Much as Le'Andra holds the fabric of Xavier together."
(Letting out a soft breath, I continue.)
"I know what it's like to hold power. To hold control and use it as a blanket. As a means to supposedly suffocate; consume the feelings of doubt. The feelings of fragility that lay within. To believe that all is how it must be, even as my realm burns around me. Even as I question my own very core. Much like you."
(I smirk slightly. As much as Xavier may not see it. As much as he might have lulled himself into a false sense of security - I can see his fractures. I can see the turmoil within him. The desire to just feel comfortable within his own skin.)
"I cannot free you, Xavier. That is something you must do yourself. Yet I can ensure that those chains. Those bounds you feel surrounding you. Breaking you from within, bringing you to your knees - I can ensure that they are not the ones to end you. That they are not the ones that sing your final song as you crumble."
(Pausing, a soft yet omnious chill begins to float through the air.)
"For I feel it. I see it within you. As much as you enable your own eyes to be covered. As much as you attempt to convince yourself this is how it bad to be - it isn't. Deep down, you know this."
(Another breath, as I allow the sense of family between Bianca, Lucina and I to resonate throughout the room. For those, to understand the message hidden beneath the words.)
"This is what you desire. You just want the sense of family. The sense of fulfillment. Of being whole once again. Yet you cannot admit that to yourself. You just do not know how to control it."
(I softly laugh.)
"It's why you sought Anika. She holds the familiaral sense you crave. To you, she is what you desire to be. She is a reflection of where you had once been; what you wish for once again. A sense that I also hold."
(I glance across at Bianca and Lucina at this point.)
"That is what drives you this week, isn't it? The sense of making me feel the emptiness. The agony that you do --- yet I already have. I've already wandered that road, Xavier. It is a road that isn't foreign. Nor is agony a feeling I do not know."
(My mind begins to flicker between imagines of my past within me, as a sombre expression crosses my face.)
"There is nothing you can do, that I haven't faced before. There is nothing you provide, that I haven't held before. Yet there is one thing I hold that can save you. That can lead you into the flames; reborn your essance. Bring about the senses you wish to feel once again."
(I wishper.)
"That can cure you."
(Smiling, I allow that statement to float through the air, before leaning back.)
"See you at Showcase."
(End)
Location: Auburn, Alabama
---
(There aren't many moments where I can look in a mirror and say that I have truly accomplished a misson. Stated a message in this industry any more. Some of that is owing to having been there and done that, but some of that is also owing to knowing that deep down, as much as I want to. As much as I wish it were so, I really *haven't* accomplished a true sense of nivarna.
Either inside or outside of the ring. Nor have I truly gotten to a point where I can say I can truly be *content* with what I have achieved. Although, that might be because I am never content with my in-ring performance.
To me, contentment will *always* lead to complanency - the worst state one can be in, which leads to me always finding something to nitpick.
Something that I can improve in. Both in terms of wrestling and my own psychology. No matter how miniscule that thing might be. Whether it's my approach or my execution.
If I make even the slightest of missteps, I zero in on it and ensure that it *doesn't* occur again - or at least, design it so that I don't put myself in positions where it could potentially happen again.
For even I understand there are components that even *I* cannot control. That even I cannot bend to my very whim, as much as I try. As much as I desire.
I am not onmipotent. I am not a divine entity; nor do I claim to be. I never have claimed to be a divine entity. That's just how people have precieved my statements. How they portray the canvas that I have laid before them. If that is what they believe, then it is on them.
For I am not here to attempt to change that. Or even to try and mold their beliefs to mirror my own - I am only here to do what is best for the industry. What the shining light of the temple requires of me. The desires of the purity embedded in wrestling's roots. Just as I always have.
Anyway, I sit atop my sofa, just looking blankly. Almost as if I am in some sort of trance-like stage at the pictures flickering across the Television currently, as Bianca sits next to me. Lucina on her lap. I don't know what exactly it is on the screen - much like I don't know the best manner in which to explain how the previous few months have been for me, in terms of my own failures.
My own missteps when it comes to having my head on a swivel; allowing people to blind me. To make me detour away from the end game. To impede, what is truly desired.
In the case of the Television, however, the ambient colour schemes and more 'light-hearted' atmosphere lend themselves to this program being more of a children's show. As does the fact that Bianca has it on whilst Lucina is awake, alert; on her lap. It's easy and gives Lucina something to do instead of just sitting in her chair or laying in her cot all day.
Keeps her entertained and engaged too - either the shows on TV or the 4 boxes of children's oriented DVDs that we have.
DVDs which would otherwise be collecting dust in the spare room. Neither of us wishing to sell them, but also knowing we would have no use for them if it weren't for Lucina.)
Bianca: Babe?
(I continue to stare at the screen, feeling myself almost hooked into the world portrayed through the screen. Or at least, the farmhouse that the 'host' - or at least, the person I'm assuming *is* the host, is standing in front of. Wearing overalls and jeans, so as to resemble a typical farmer.)
Bianca: Babeee?
(Elongating the 'e', she waves her hand in front of my face. Attempting to attain my attention as I continue to stare forward. Though I do slightly look across as her hand waves in front of my line of sight.)
"Yes?"
Bianca: Oh, you *are* alive.
(I slightly laugh.)
"Huh?"
(She slightly smiles at me, as Lucina lets out a small giggle. Clearly entertained by something on the screen.)
Bianca: Thought you were dead. You were just staring at the screen.
(I laugh.)
"Oh. Nah, I was just thinking about things."
(As soon as I finish saying 'things', Bianca interjects, slightly nudging me.)
Bianca: Wrestling?
(I simply nod.
She knew.
I've been trying to keep wrestling and personal life separate. Trying not to have the 2 intertwine, so as not to put her or Lucina in danger, or cause Millie or Chilli to relapse and fall back into the grasp of the abyss. As much as Jayson Violence's acts of a few months ago fractured that.
As much as Bianca knew that most of my time alone on the porch was not 'mere reflection' as I had claimed. But rather, was a means for me to discuss. To paint the canvas for whoever it was that I would be facing any particular week - much as Bianca had done at her own home when she competed in the ring.)
~~~Where do I do next? What do I do from here?~~~
(This thought floats into my head, as I somply stare at Bianca. Notcing her understanding yet knowing expression. As if she had known from the start that as much as I had told her.
As much as I had portrayed to even myself that the 2 realms would not merge - the walls were *always* gonna crumble. That at some point, it was going to be inevitable that they would merge.
At least to some extent. Denying that, was merely fooling myself. As I stated earlier, I'm no diety. I'm no god; nor have I ever been. Nor will I ever be.)
Bianca: I understand.
(I nod. Thankful.)
"Thanks. I know --- It's just, I know at the same time: this isn't your fight. I know this is a fight that I *willingly* brought upon myself, when I came back. When I resumed the quest of bringing the purity. The light back into the halls."
(Placing her right finger over her pursed lips, she cuts me off.)
Bianca: Babe, you know that your fights are my fights. That we're in this together.
"I know."
Bianca: Soo ---
(I slightly smile at her. I know the exact mind game she is playing. It's one that I taught her. She is attempting to lure me in, so that she can admit she is right. That I should *never* have tried to balance the 2 portions as seperate entity, but rather as part of one whole. Which is whar they *always* were. Yet she doesn't even need the trick.
For I have already confessed that to myself. That is why I was staring at the TV bkankly. Devoid of any sense of the world around me. It had gotten to me. It had worn me down to the point where I was asking myself 'was it worth it?'. Was the purity, worth the turmoil?)
"You're right. This is *our* battle. I should have never attempted to mask you from the realm. I should have never tried to keep the door shuttered."
(Bianca beams, slightly placing a kiss on my lips.)
Bianca: Good.
(She pauses, pondering whether to reveal to me that she had been keeping an eye on OPW. More specifically, on me. Behind my back - yet realising that I more than likely already - and do - knew. Or well, know. For as much as my mind has been scrambled in its thoughts.
As much as everything has been a haze, I still have my senses. I have still seen the history on her laptop when I have borrowed it to send my own emails. Seen her searches for OPW and Showcase. More specifically, my matches.
So that she can understand the current battleground. The current opposition that stands before me. I don't blame her for doing so. I would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. Much for the same reason she has done so.)
"It's okay. I figured you had."
(Surprised, Bianca slightly stammers.)
Bianca: How did you ---
"I've seen the internet history. It's fine babe - I would have done the same thing."
(She shakes her head.)
Bianca: No. I meant how did you know *that* is what I was thinking about.
(I softly laugh.)
"Sixth sense."
(She smiles. Gently placing her hand within my own, she shoots me a puppy dog sort of look. One, that is almost a request for me to tell her just what it is that is ailing me. That is causing my mind to clog up and feel hazy.)
~~~Where do I need to be; how do I get there?~~~
(Letting out a soft sigh, I simply shake my head. Not because I don't *want* to tell her. But because honestly - I don't know the best way to tell her. For right now, things are almost spinning like wheels stuck in the place. Moving neither forward or backward; no sense of how they are to free themselves.
Yes, some might say I'm facing Xavier Wolf this week.
The man who following his defeat or Anika Swan, holds power and control over the world champion. Much like the power he weilds as a syndicate member. As the person who brought them Anika in the first place.
Wouldn't that be progression? Wouldn't that be moving forward? Didn't I claim a semblance of revenge against one of the men who had diverted my path? Didn't I begin planting the seeds for a maelstrom that is arising?
The answer to both is yes, but is it moving forward, or merely a call for a directional sense? Xavier Wolf might hold power. He might be a man with nothing to lose. A man looking to burn the family that burnt him - yet I have no reason to fight him. There is nothing I gain from this bout.)
"Xavier. I understand. I know how much it hurts to be betrayed. I know how much it hurts to have the dagger driven through your heart; those who you thoughts you would die for, become the very ones to lead you into the passage of the abyss."
(The words floating from my mouth, Bianca slightly looks at me, her eyes telling the story. She knows *exactly* what I'm talking about. The story I am referring to. A story that maybe one day, I shall reveal to the world. Yet now is not that time. Tilting her head back downwards, she cradles a now sleeping Lucina in her arms.)
"I've been there before. Just as I know what it is like, to feel love. To know that there is a supporting system, no matter what your supposed 'family'. Your supposed brotherhood wishes to believe of said person."
(Hearing those words, Bianca queries.)
Bianca: Do you mean me? Did your family not approve of me or something?
(I shake my head.)
"No. You know this. The person I am referring to is a story I have never told. A chapter, I have never laid before the world. Yet it is one that holds my fabric. Much as Le'Andra holds the fabric of Xavier together."
(Letting out a soft breath, I continue.)
"I know what it's like to hold power. To hold control and use it as a blanket. As a means to supposedly suffocate; consume the feelings of doubt. The feelings of fragility that lay within. To believe that all is how it must be, even as my realm burns around me. Even as I question my own very core. Much like you."
(I smirk slightly. As much as Xavier may not see it. As much as he might have lulled himself into a false sense of security - I can see his fractures. I can see the turmoil within him. The desire to just feel comfortable within his own skin.)
"I cannot free you, Xavier. That is something you must do yourself. Yet I can ensure that those chains. Those bounds you feel surrounding you. Breaking you from within, bringing you to your knees - I can ensure that they are not the ones to end you. That they are not the ones that sing your final song as you crumble."
(Pausing, a soft yet omnious chill begins to float through the air.)
"For I feel it. I see it within you. As much as you enable your own eyes to be covered. As much as you attempt to convince yourself this is how it bad to be - it isn't. Deep down, you know this."
(Another breath, as I allow the sense of family between Bianca, Lucina and I to resonate throughout the room. For those, to understand the message hidden beneath the words.)
"This is what you desire. You just want the sense of family. The sense of fulfillment. Of being whole once again. Yet you cannot admit that to yourself. You just do not know how to control it."
(I softly laugh.)
"It's why you sought Anika. She holds the familiaral sense you crave. To you, she is what you desire to be. She is a reflection of where you had once been; what you wish for once again. A sense that I also hold."
(I glance across at Bianca and Lucina at this point.)
"That is what drives you this week, isn't it? The sense of making me feel the emptiness. The agony that you do --- yet I already have. I've already wandered that road, Xavier. It is a road that isn't foreign. Nor is agony a feeling I do not know."
(My mind begins to flicker between imagines of my past within me, as a sombre expression crosses my face.)
"There is nothing you can do, that I haven't faced before. There is nothing you provide, that I haven't held before. Yet there is one thing I hold that can save you. That can lead you into the flames; reborn your essance. Bring about the senses you wish to feel once again."
(I wishper.)
"That can cure you."
(Smiling, I allow that statement to float through the air, before leaning back.)
"See you at Showcase."
(End)