AWOKEN: Part 1 The Mental 2 Step
Jul 7, 2020 23:45:21 GMT -5
☠ VooDoo ☠ and Brandon♤Mooore like this
Post by Roger Wright on Jul 7, 2020 23:45:21 GMT -5
THREE DAYS AFTER HIGHWAY TO HELL
I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I'm not sure if I should say this, fuck, I'll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
I don't know if it's a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah
“It started that first night. Sleep eluded me, the memory, the image, it was all I could see everytime my eyes closed. In that moment when your brain starts to shut down and your heart rate slows, that first image of the dreams you are going to have, it’s that moment that it comes flooding in, my heart races and the sweat builds. Everytime my eyes close, it's that same thing, over and over, forced to relive a nightmare, relive the destruction of what I love at my own hands.” Roger’s voice floated into the darkness.
“How does that make you feel?” A second voice full of calm and soothing filled the air.
“Scared…” A long silence held the tension of the room. “Not like a kid is scared to do something for the first time. No, this is a fear of knowing what you have done, a fear of knowing what you will have to live with and understanding all of the possible consequences of it, but not having the realization of those consequences. A kind of fear that doesn’t cripple you, but makes you wish it did, the kind that makes you yearn to want something else to happen, for anything else to happen. A fear that keeps you awake at night, a fear that you can’t escape from.”
“I hear you saying that you feel smothered by this fear, is that correct?” The voice asked in response.
“Not smothered, not suffocated, more like trapped. Stuck in a room with no windows, no door, bare walls. Confined in a way that you have just enough movement to understand how little movement you have.” Again Roger paused, processing his words before continuing. “Try sitting at a table, watching everyone eat your favorite meal, but before you is that one thing you can’t stand. You have to watch them eat it, watch them enjoy it, and all you get is that one thing to eat that you despise. That is the feeling, that is the pain that is never ending that I feel all day, all night, all the time.”
“Why not just take the plate of food you like, push the food you don’t like away?” The voice asked.
“This feeling, this thing, it doesn’t work that way. I don’t have control over it, it controls me, the rules of it won’t let me take control.” Roger sighed. “Maybe that is the scary part, that I don’t actually have control of what is happening to me. It’s that unknown, that feeling of helplessness that has settled in.”
“So what are you going to do about it?” The voice asked.
“Nothing I can do about it.” Roger replied.
“Then you already lost.” Came the reply.
FIVE DAYS AFTER HIGHWAY TO HELL
I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressin' or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
Yeah, it's not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit everyday
And it's probably 'cause my demons simultaneously rage
“Two more days have passed, still no sleep. This thing, this feeling, it’s not going away. It seems to be morphing, becoming something different. I send texts, make phone calls, there is no answer, nothing, no response at all. The only outlet, the only thing that can save me from this hell, from this nightmare isn’t there. It isn’t there because of what I did, because I tried to be the good guy, tried to do the right thing, and ended up messing all of it up.” Roger’s voice sank as he finished, he sounded like a man defeated, a man beaten by life.
“Sounds like you are relying on someone else to clear your conscience, someone else to tell you it is all right. Do you need permission to be happy?” The voice asked.
“I don’t need approval to be happy, but it’s impossible to be happy without knowing what my actions have truly done. Don’t get me wrong it would hurt if what I did means it’s over, that all we have done together is now the past, memories of a better time, marred by the mistakes of a moment. But that I could live with, not knowing though is what hurts the most, that emptiness, that sinking feeling without knowing when it will end.” Sadness fully engulfed Roger’s voice as he spoke.
“What else have you done to take control?” The voice asked.
“There is nothing else to do, everything is dependent upon knowing the answer to that question.” Roger replied sharply.
“Maybe that is the problem, you are hung up on the question, but do you even know if you are asking the right question?” The voice subtly shot back.
“There is only one question to ask. There can’t be any other questions, it’s pretty straight forward, and until that question is asked there is nothing I can do, just sit back and take the pain that I have caused and brought upon myself.” Roger replied, his words lacking confidence.
“What I hear is a man punishing himself, a man who made a mistake but is not willing to accept the mistake he made, a man that has placed his own mind in purgatory. Seems you need to think beyond your own self pity, and find the real question that you need to ask.” The voice trailed off.
EIGHT DAYS AFTER HIGHWAY TO HELL
I think I'm going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I'm in a race against myself I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?
“Heard you were hiding out here.” Voo’s voice floated into the rooftop patio air. Even in the complete darkness, she could make out the outline of Roger, feet up on the small table, leaned back in the chair, bottles of beer all around him. “Quite the vanishing act you have managed to pull, rumors are abounding.”
“Figured no one really wanted to see me, kind of thought you all figured I went home.” Roger slurred back.
“You are home.” Voo said matter of factly.
“No disrespect, but I really don’t want company right now.” Roger shot back.
“None taken, just know I don’t want to be up here holding the hand of a grown ass man that looks like someone just kicked his dog in the balls.” Voo shot back with a twinge of venom in her voice.
“Point taken. Look, I’ll figure this out, find a way to win her back.” Roger sat up, leaned forward and the outline of him almost fell out of the chair.
“Maybe you should think about picking your balls up off the ground first. There’s a little girl that needs you, and a family you are part of now that NEED YOU.” Voo grabbed the half drunk bottle of beer on the arm of the chair off and poured it out. “Pity party of one for Roger is over, time to go to work.” With that she disappeared, leaving Roger alone on the rooftop patio.
NINE DAYS AFTER HIGHWAY TO HELL
Oh my God, I keep on stressin', every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won't take
But my therapist will tell me that I'm going through a stage
Yeah, it's not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay
“How are we today?” The voice asked.
“Ghandi said Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Today is the first day in a week that I finally understand what that means.” Roger’s voice had an edge, an almost cocky tone to it.
“Sounds like maybe you have pushed through that first stage of grief.” Replied the voice.
“Funny thing is that idea of stages of grief. I haven’t lost anything, there was nothing to grieve. That was my mistake from the very beginning. I was focused on the wrong thing, you said it yourself, I didn’t truly understand the question to ask. Because of that there was no answer that could solve the problem, no way to overcome the pain that had engulfed me. But today, today I know the question, and I have already worked out the solution.” One might call Roger’s voice cocky, others might say it was full of ego, but anyone who knew him understood what it really was, determination.
“That sounds promising, but I think you are misunderstanding what I meant. The pain you felt was justified, you had done something you felt terrible for. It is only natural to feel the kind of pain you had.” The voice replied but was cut off by Roger.
“No, the pain I felt was a manifestation of what someone else wanted. For the longest time I have tried to be a decent man in an indecent world. I have tried to play by rules that others were willing to bend, break, and even ignore. My anger, may pain, it wasn’t a manifestation of one simple action I had taken, of a mistake that I had made, it was the realization that what I wanted to do, what I wanted to say, it wasn’t aligned with what I was doing and what I was saying.” Roger let a small chuckle escape.
“I think you are misinterpreting…”
“The point is to interpret it yourself, not to have some overpaid ass tell you what to think. Two days with you and I didn’t have a god damn clue, 5 mins with Voo and it was all clear. I’m tired of being nothing more than a cog in the machine, it’s time to introduce a wrench.” Roger laughed as the only sound that came in response was the door shutting on his way out.
TEN DAYS AFTER HIGHWAY TO HELL
Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things 'cause something is missin'
And what if I were to lie, tell you everything is fine?
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave
Where I grew up there were only two rules, you don’t fuck with a man’s family, and you show some god damn respect when you step into someone elses house. Vincent told me what happened wasn’t my fault, Voo told me the same thing, I couldn’t bring myself to say the same thing, until now. It took me time to come to terms with the situation that we are in, to understand the meaning behind what is about to take place, but I got there, faster than you could have ever wanted. Johnny talks about respect, about how he never gets it, well mother fucker that shit is earned, and you haven’t done a damn thing in your life that warrants a single bit of respect from anyone in that locker room, let alone myself, Voo, or Vin.
The days of take, take, take are over. There is a reason the ratings soared while you were gone, because no one wants to see your ass on TV, no one wants to listen to you speak. They would much rather listen to someone who can string together a series of words that make god damn sense then try and figure out what a five year old with a mouthful of oatmeal is trying to say while throwing a temper tantrum. I can wait while you look it up on youtube, or you could just look in the mirror and talk to yourself Johnny, either way, take your time, I’ll be here when you get back.
Don’t think you are getting off easy here Blair, though I have gone out of my way to play nice with you, the true fact is you wanted the spotlight, wanted to be the number 1, and yet you have settled to being number 2 to a man who would blow number 1 if he thought it would get him the smallest of chances of being number 1. In essence you are where you should be, a pair of egomaniacs so deranged in thought that they can’t even see that they are competing for the same thing. You stroke his ego because you think it gives you a shot at something special, and all it has resulted in is the shell of a woman who once reached the pinnacle, but now couldn’t even locate it on a 3d map with an arrow pointing at it.
Do my words hurt, stir up a bit of anger in the pit of your belly? I’d say I’m sorry, but the time for apologies and feelings has long since passed. I mean we could both agree to say that we made mistakes...but then we know that isn’t true, the only fucked up person in the dance that was you and I Blair was...bum bum bum...YOU!!!!! Shit that felt good, finally get that shit off my chest, tell you how I really feel. I want to say that Marie needs her mother, but fuck that would be a lie, and I am better than that. She has never been better, she actually has friends now, she smiles all the time, and most importantly, she has a family that sees her as something more than a pet.
Before you go all being upset, take a breath and really just think about it for a second, hahahahaha, naw just fucking get all pissed and throw a tantrum, we all know that it is the one thing that you are good at in this life. YEAH THE ONE THING!!!!! You heard me right I didn’t stutter! Here I have some advice for you, run, just fucking run away, you are in way over your head. No, I don’t think you will take that advice, you have never wanted my advice and hence, why we are where we are, you standing across the ring from me, preparing to find out what Johnny already knows, when it matters the most, no one is better than ME!
Is that Ego? You bet your ass it is ego, well earned ego too. I didn’t have to step on anyone on my way to the top, I didn’t have to fuck them either. That’s the difference between me, you, and Johnny. No one else had to help me get there, I did that all on my own. Johnny has always needed someone in his corner, and well, we all know about your history, that sad history that you will never be able to escape. Yeah I am part of it, played a rather huge role in it, and for that one moment I fell victim to you, let you get the upper hand. Now I see you for who you are, and not the person you want everyone to think you are.
Which brings us full circle to Xavier. Mr. I don't want the title. Naw just like every other piece of shit I have had the pleasure of dealing with, you want something else, you want what you can’t have. It must have tore you up inside to know that she chose me. It probably still eats at you every second to this day knowing that even after all of this, she will still choose me, because that is how it is. While you will talk about doing what is in the best interest of someone else, you are just like that piece of shit Johnny, you only care about one thing, and that is YOU.
Please tell me I am wrong and justify yourself while explaining how you were held back by a family that has achieved success at every level of this sport. Naw seriously don’t, nobody wants to fall asleep while listening to you talk. Just run your mouth, maybe bounce around and wave your arms like some mid 40’s rapper that thinks his motions will make everyone around him think he is something special. Take your shirt off too, we all want to admire the body art, that way we have something worth looking at while trying to tune out your voice.
We're sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a God that you don't believe
We're searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is, oh, where the fuck is your god now?
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
You can take Ani, force her into being on your side, make her be part of the team. But you can’t offer her what she had, FAMILY. I’ll take one family member over all of you in the syndicate every day of the week, because you don’t have a damn thing to fight for. We have something to fight for, something worth sacrificing everything for. All you have is your own desires, your own wants, and they are not the same. We have a common goal this week, Voo, Vin and I are not coming to that ring to win, we are coming to take payment out of all three of your asses, and anyone else that feels the need to come down to the ring and help you. This isn’t about winning, it’s about making a statement, about changing the fucking rules.
All my life I have tried to play by the rules, tried to be the bigger man, put on the smile when the world tried to shit on me. I was living a lie, betraying who I was on the inside. Make no mistake I am not saying I am the bad guy, don’t get me wrong. There just isn’t going to be that inner struggle anymore, no more biting my tongue, no more trying to be the better man. I will say the things that need to be said, do the things that need to be done, and be true to what is in my heart. For better or worse, I am coming to that ring for a fight, not a wrestling match, but a fight, and I plan on walking away from that match with my head held high, while you watch from a stretcher being carted out of the arena.
TWELVE DAYS AFTER HIGHWAY TO HELL
“Daddy!!!!” Marie charged across the grass and leapt into his arms. “Where have you been? Where is Ani?”
“Working Peanut, Ani is still working, don’t worry though, she will be home soon.” Roger smiled as he kissed his daughter on her forehead. Roger took her hand as she rambled on about all the things she had done for the last week and half, and all Roger could do was admire her as his mind fixated on what they had taken from him, from his daughter, and what he was going to do about it.